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Sometimes, when I’m bored, I play a game called "SuperDictator," wherein I draft legislation regulating the things that get my panties in a twist. Use of the word "panties?" That’s five years in jail and a fine of whatever my credit card balance is at the time. Ask me "Come here often?" — either seriously or with cheap irony — and you’re facing the firing squad, Disco Stu. Know why it’s okay for me to do this? Because in reality, I have no political authority whatsoever, and pet peeves aren’t crimes. Say what you will about the voting public and there’s a lot to say but I trust they’d never elect someone whose platform was defenestrating people who beat them at Soul Calibur 2 using moves they looked up on the internet.
promotion
Or rather, I trusted that until last night, when I got a call on the red phone notifying me that Louisiana State Representative Derrick Shepard is trying to ban low-rise jeans. The reason? He’s "sick" of looking at teenage asscrack. I’d suggest that it’s not so much actual sickness as a "funny feeling" down there that our Representative doesn’t entirely want to come to terms with.
"If we pull up their pants, we can lift their minds as well." I fail to see the causal relationship.
(But I don’t need to suggest that, because I’m sure you’ve all come to that conclusion on your own. You’re sharp.) Shepard says that he wants to improve teenagers' sense of self: "Hopefully, if we pull up their pants, we can lift their minds as well." I fail to see the causal relationship there, having never particularly associated pants and the mind, but that explains why I’m a sex writer and he’s a state Representative.
Just a thought: even if it were cool to regulate exposed flesh with the law, aren’t low-rise jeans a counterintuitive place to start in a state whose main export is titty-flashing? Anyway, the proposed bill would be tacked onto existing Louisiana obscenity law, which restricts sexual activity in public places and the sale of sexually explicit items. No one really expects it to pass because this guy is obviously a complete douchemonkey, and because it doesn't meet the U.S. Supreme Court standard for obscenity. But a little thing called legal precedent hasn't stopped other representatives from signing on in support. America's tax dollars at work.
Full disclosure: this is not objective journalism. The writer’s favorite pair of jeans are a pair of Levi’s Too Superlow stretch in vintage wash. They are obscene, and obscenely comfortable. So love her, love unsolicited glimpses of her underwear. Any opinions expressed above are entirely her own, though. Carrie Hill Wilnern°
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