"She'll definitely be hit on. She'll have her pick of the litter." — Heidi Fleiss speculates on Martha Stewart's potential to entertain in prison
"I kiss people with my soul. I don't kiss them with my mouth." — Yes, Justin Timberlake
"It's harder for me to wear this than it would be for me to have sex with a man." — Red Sox fan Ben Affleck on wearing a Yankees T-shirt after losing a bet
Image of the Week
Courtney Love takes Manhattan.
And In Other News, the Earth Is Round
Some people continue to believe that being gay is a choice. We've never met those people, so we're not sure what the thought process is there. (Although we imagine it's something like, "Oh, gays? They're in it for the childhood ridicule, and they totally get off on being denied spousal healthcare.") As if any further freakin' confirmation were necessary, last week researchers in Oregon announced that the brains of gay rams were anatomically different from the brains of straight rams. Scientists found that the hypothalamus, a region of the brain that controls bodily functions such as appetite, water balance and temperature, also controls sexuality. The hypothalamus is shaped differently in rams and ewes; in gay sheep, the part that controls sexuality is smaller than in straight sheep. Of course, rams are not human (excepting, of course, members of the St. Louis Rams, who may or may not be gay), but as one scientist explained, the study "along with others, strongly suggests that sexual preference is biologically determined in animals, and possibly in humans." The findings will be published in the April issue of the scientific journal Duh. — Sarah G. Harrison
Misguided Attempts at Speaking to the Youths, Potentially the First in a Long Series
Every month or so, there's a new story about high-schoolers dancing scandalously. Nothing new; it's not even new enough for us to report anymore. Except this time. In Bend, Oregon, two students were sent home from a school dance for being all up on each other. Had this happened anywhere else, the youthful miscreants would have mumbled something inarticulate to the AP about injustice, and we’d honestly feel worse for the poor, scandalized administrators who had to deal with the slack-jawed dry-humpers. Oh, but not in Bend. In Bend, the wily teenagers have harnessed logic to their cause, making themselves noble and informed warriors of freedom. Dig: one student is quoted as saying, “There’s no other way to dance besides being up against the other person. That’s just how people dance.”
You know, that’s true. That really is how people dance.
Mary McDermott, a teacher at the school, stated the administration’s position: “Quite honestly, it’s like having sex with your clothes on.” In our limited but representative experience, that’s, ahem, not sex. Of course, the kids should have known better. Earlier in the week, PA announcements had warned them that “freak dancing” and “grinding” would not be permitted. Again: PA announcements about “freak dancing.” Students apparently didn't hear the warnings because they were too busy "doing the Cabbage Patch" and engaging in "rumbles." — Carrie Hill Wilner
Ugly and in Poor Taste, in at Least Three Ways
So we read the first issue of Cargo, the men's shopping magazine, because they had it at the place where we get our coffee. It was just as gauche as we could have hoped. Nestled between discussions of cars and mandals, there was an article on Brazilian waxing pour hommes. Urgh. This has firmly convinced us that “Brazilian,” when used an adjective, does not mean sexy, sultry, or even hairless. It just means “perplexing and disturbing.”
Our position is buttressed by a report from Rio. This week, a sand sculptor who’d been, um, sand-sculpting nude women on the Copacabana was censored by the relevant authorities. We don’t know how many of you have been to Copacabana, but sand sculptures are really not the foremost obstacle posed to someone trying to avoid the sight of bare ass. Sculptor Robinson Bahia sees it our way, explaining, “If the problem is nudity, the police should feel ashamed of the men and women prostitutes along Atlantica Avenue.”
True, if the problem is nudity. Police official Cony dos Santos creates a different impression, though. He called the sculptures “ugly and in poor taste.” We doubt this is the case, but if the Brazilian authorities reallyare policing bad taste in public art, do you think we could get them on the “Poetry in Motion” committee in New York? — Carrie Hill Wilner
Caged Heat
It’s been a crap couple of weeks: explosions in Baghdad, bombs in Madrid, Dubya's still being Dubya, and the weather in NYC has been dour enough to inspire drinking before 3 p.m. So we’d like to take a minute to think about panda bears watching porn.
Isn't that the cutest thing you ever heard? Call Grandma in here! Veterinarians in Beijing have begun showing Hua Mei, a four-year-old, American-born panda, videos featuring pandas mating. The four-year-old arrived in China from San Diego in February; now that her month of quarantine is over, vets want her to start procreating. Problem: Hua Mei was raised in captivity and has never seen her species fornicate. So officials hauled out the VCR to prepare her for “blind dates” with four prospective lovers. Will Hua Mei pick fifteen-year-old Zhuang Zhuang, eleven-year-old Xi Meng, twelve-year-old Da Di or ten-year-old Di Di? TWR hopes she tries them all out. Until then, we hope she sits back and enjoys the movie. If it keeps snowing in New York, we might follow suit. — Tobin Levy
Newswire
Porn director films Christian anti-porn movie.
Women may soon be able to get pregnant at age sixty.
Coming soon: cellphone dating.
R. Kelly child-porn charges dropped.
Prince turns chaste.
Forty percent of mothers become pregnant by accident.
