This Week in Sex
by Grant Stoddard

Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, Barenaked Ladies, Rush. Hot damn! Canadian music has always been hella sexy. But a musician from Winnipeg, Canada, has fused song and sweet, sweet lovemaking like never before — with an album of his sex noises. The appropriately named Aaron Funk, a musician who records under the moniker Venetian Snares, sampled boot-knocking sessions with his girlfriend and turned them into music. Taking a leaf out of the Police's big book of silly names to call your album, the raunchy platter has been dubbed Nymphomatriarch, and is due to be released next year. "People I've played it for don't believe it," Funk told reporters. "It's weird to deconstruct the sounds of sex. It makes you conscious of a lot of stuff you'd normally ignore. I remember thinking, like, 'Oh, that slap will make a good snare drum.' Or, 'Wow, that was a freakish set of grunts and moans — I want to make that into a choir later.'" Completed tracks include "Hymen Tramp Choir," "Pervs" and the soon-to-be-classic "Blood on the Rope." Funk's next project is to produce a track out of sounds sampled from the bathroom at a Loverboy gig.