Some friends of mine set up a pirate radio station in the summer of 2002 and broadcast for six weeks. They also set up a related internet chat site, inviting listeners to log on to air their very worst and best. The results were often explosive with chatters indulging in anything from insane no-holds-barred tirades to sexual role-play. The following is a transcription of one of the chat-room scripts, a role play instigated by a character who called herself (or himself) The Most Beautiful Girl You Losers Have Ever Seen, in which she's chauffeur driven around London by James Dean, accompanied by guests, Chubby Bunny Boy, Joan Of Arc, and Barbarella.
Beautiful Girl: *We head down Oxford Street, Marble Arch receding in the rear-view. Sky is gold: London's perpetual twilight. Red, white and blue stars glitter between layers of flat, coppery cloud reminiscent of 17th Century theatre scenery. The buses are all gold. All open-top. People on board are partying. Cable cars decorated with swan wings glide overhead. The Thunderbird, the buses and the cable cars are the only traffic. We pass Selfridges, a palace now, with ivory towers and pillars wreathed in creepers. As its clock strikes the hour, its angel statue wakes, flexes its wings and showers flowers, money and keys to wondrous West End apartments on the homeless down below. The angel takes flight, leads us on. The mermaids that had been at the angel's side slop onto the pavements, slither towards Gap and Debenhams (both of which are rocky waterfalls) and dive into the huge pools, where they dart amongst high rollers at floating crap games. Kids ride on the back of a giant turtle. Off-duty police lounge on waterbeds. Swimmers in pastel skullcaps sip margaritas. Beautiful multi-racial heads on a Benetton billboard between Starbucks and Books etc sing The Smiths' "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out." Logo letters in the fcuk window dance in time. Tired of being turned inside out, they come to a satisfying rest in the formation: "fuck." A Salvation Army Band strikes up "When The Saints Go Marching In." Giraffes canter down Duke Street stopping to graze on the trees outside the American Embassy at Grosvenor Square… *
Barbarella: jesus fuck…
Bunny Boy*aghast* Think of me baby…I'm from Iowa.
Barbarella: if only London was like this all the time.
James Deansmiles over his shoulder atBarbarella: Maybe you just gotta look harder…
Beautiful Girl: *At Oxford Circus we find Niketown has been turned into a shrine. Hundreds queue around the block. Inside, the afflicted are fitted with free summer range sneakers and the miracles come thick and fast. The dumb talk, the comatose wake, the brain-damaged and drug-addled become cognisant,
Forgive me, Bunny Boy…but are you a sodomite?
the spent and abused shrug off the chains of their emasculation and brim with divine determination. Disabled people up and dash out the front doors in their brand new Nikes, while on Argyll Street, a Perspex car crusher chews up their unwanted wheelchairs.
Our angel carries a sceptre: an orb topped by a tiny cherub. As we turn down a darkened Regent Street, hemmed by hills bristling with woodland, this cherub, shining brightly as molten magnesium, breaks free and lights the way. We follow the angel and the angel follows the cherub whose holy halo keeps a forestful of demons at bay*
Joan of Arc*draws her sword and stands in the stirrups, peering into the trees*
James Dean*kinda spooked, puts the pedal to the metal, outstrips the angel the cherub and the devils in the wood*
Barbarella*nudges the back ofJames Dean'sseat* hey jimmy, slow down a little will u?
James Dean: I just wanna see how fast this baby can go…
Joan of Arc *sits down*
Beautiful Girl: *We pass Piccadilly Circus, a riot of fire, food and music. A free banquet sponsored by Burger King, Lillywhite's, Boots and The Trocadero is in full swing around the Statue of Eros. The Tower Records building, a four-story '50s-style jukebox, blasts out Dinah Washington, "Mad About The Boy" ringing in our ears as we race past dancers waltzing on towering podiums and thunder down Haymarket *
Bunny Boy: *looking back at Tower Records where boys in white tracksuits are giving away CDs* I must remember to go back there…
Beautiful Girl: *Trafalgar Square is teeming with skinheads on some kind of candlelit vigil. Eyes raised to Nelson's Column, they murmur half-remembered hymns, throw half-hearted Nazi Salutes, but they're all wearing eyeshadow and lipstick and earrings and many of them are Black and Asian. They giggle, playfully push and shove one another. Some of them are kissing. Lambs and kittens walk amongst them. The hymn singing morphs into a chant Love Love Love *
James Dean *sighs* Looks like my kinda parade…
Beautiful Girl: Ice-cream anyone?
All: Sure!
Beautiful Girl: There, the van by the National Gallery. Vanilla Ice. Pull over, Jimmy.
James Dean*reins the Thunderbird in beside the ice-cream van*
Beautiful Girl: I'm buying, what do you want?
Barbarella: White chocolate magnum.
Bunny Boy: Lemon Popsicle.
Joan of Arc: 99
James Dean: One of them spaceship things with all the different colours.
Beautiful Girl*hops out of the Thunderbird* I'll see what I can do.
Bunny Boy*looking at the unequivocally camp Nazi parade in Trafalgar Square* Sure feels weird sitting here with that get-together going on down there.
Barbarella: they look harmless e-nuff…
Bunny Boy: We got one decent gay bar in Cedar Rapids, which is where I come from: Club Basix. They have a Night of Leather on Saturdays… male strippers and stuff… Two Saturdays past, and this has happened before, the party got broke up by neo Nazis. Nebraska's next door and the anti-Jew-run-Federal-Govt-Neo-Nazi-New-World-Order shit is full-blown out there. Anyway they had baseball bats, some of them had guns — Stonewall it was not…Just watching those guys down there with the lambs and everything…I just…well I never ever thought something like that could be possible.
Joan of Arc: Forgive me, Bunny Boy…but are you a sodomite?
Bunny Boy*smiling somewhat sadly*…I've been called worse, I guess.
Joan of Arc: Then I cannot share this chariot with you.
Barbarella *rolling my eyes* sheesh…whatever happened to love the sinner, hate the sin?
Joan of Arc: Before my time.
Barbarella: i don't believe it…u! the original all-conquering cross-dressing, continental heroine and u take the high-ground with a gay bunny from rural iowa?
Joan of Arc *is gone to Heaven*
Barbarellasmiles atBunny Boy: was a little crowded back here anyway
Beautiful Girl*returns with the ices and hands them out* Where's Joan?
Bunny Boy*on the verge of tears* She had to go…didn't like the company.
Beautiful Girl: I thought she might be a little old-fashioned
Barbarella: i'll have her 99.
James Dean*winks at Barbarella* Split it with you.
Barbarella: down the middle?
James Dean: Read my mind…
Barbarella*takes the 99 from beautiful girl, breaks it apart and hands half 2 jd*
James Dean 2 Barbarella: *Turning in my seat, kneeling, eating the ice-cream out of your hand, slowly sucking it from your fingers*
Barbarella 2 James Dean: *loving it…i lie back against the cuddly down of bunny boy's belly and squirming with delight, push my fingers into yr mouth, my spaceskirt riding up to reveal very firm thighs and pink panties…*
It's difficult, but as Bunny Boy blows James Dean, I whip your pink panties off.
Bunny Boy*stares atJames Dean'scrotch and mutters with longing* Jeeeeesus…I think he's got a hardon
James Dean 2 Barbarella:*My fingers slide back and forth between your luscious lips, long slow strokes sticky with spit, ice-cream and chocolate*
Beautiful Girl 2 James Dean: *I hop into the front passenger seat and unbutton your bulging Levis. Your generous prick springs free, stands to attention. I pull the jeans down to the backs of your knees exposing very beautiful balls.*
Bunny Boy 2 James Dean: *I lean forward, gently take the head of your cock in my mouth. Tickle your cockhole with the tip of my tongue, trace the rim of the helmet*
James Dean 2 Bunny Boy:*Fondling your big fluffy ears*
Bunny Boy 2 James Dean: *I take the whole of your engorged cock in my mouth, suck long and slow, jack you off at the same time*
Beautiful Girl 2 James Dean: *Massaging your beautiful balls with my beautiful hand…sliding a wet finger round to your arsehole… finger-fucking you as I watch Bunny Boy suck your sap.*
James Dean 2 Beautiful Girl: Oh baaaaby…
Beautiful Girl 2 Barbarella: *It's difficult, but as Bunny Boy blows James Dean, while I simultaneously probe his prostate, I reach out, push you back, and whip your pink panties/knickers off*
James Dean 2 Barbarella: *You spread your legs there on the back seat. I dive for your muff with Bunny Boy somehow still sucking my cock and Beautiful Girl pumping my ass. I'm licking your clit, baby. Lapping at you like a dog.*
Beautiful Girl 2 Barbarella: *I reach over James' shoulder, unbutton your top, swoon at your full firm bosom, pinch your big cherry nipples*
James Dean 2 Barbarella: Your clit's so full of blood it's like a thimble
Barbarellagasps atJames Dean: feels like a motherfucking landslide…
James Dean 2 Barbarella: *Your muff tastes of Jolly Ranchers™. Fucking you with my tongue, baby doll, my hands cupping your ass.*
Bunny Boy 2 James Dean: *I stop blowing you, unzip my fluffy bunny-fly, pull out my throbbing bunny dick, jump around behind you and leaning against the dash, fuck you in the ass.*
James Dean 2 Bunny Boy: RIGHT ON!
Beautiful Girl*eyes the army of skins peering over the walls of Trafalgar Square* Looks like we're attracting attention.
Bunny Boy*fucking James Dean very hard in the ass* I think they approve. They're cheering!
Beautiful Girl 2 Barbarella: *Spurred on by the cheering neo Nazis, I get into the back seat alongside you. As James Dean goes down on you and Bunny boy fucks him, I strip off and suck on your big cherry nipples. Sandwich my head between your tits. Breathe you in.*
James Dean 2 Beautiful Girl: *Spreading your legs so they overlap with Barb's. Both muffs open wide. I lap each one in turn like the fucking dog I am. Yours tastes of apricot. Fisting Barbarella as your apricot juice spills over my chin.*
Beautiful Girl'seyes roll to the sky: *Feels like fields full of flowers sprouting in the core of me. Like I'm going to break into blossom*
Barbarella 2 Beautiful Girl: *kissing u hard, nibbling yr nipples, sucking yr nipples, diddling yr clit as jd's fist invades me.*
Beautiful Girl 2 James Dean: *Every stroke of your tongue, something folds up in my gut. Rollercoaster kind of folding. Waves of fucking sweetness rocketing round my hips. Thunder in my joints. Lightening in my veins. Storms that sweep down into my thighs…* FUCK ME!
Bunny Boy 2 James Dean: *Still fucking you, I reach round, grab your hot stiff cock and slowly jack you off*
James Deangroans: Ah fuck…sorry…
Barbarella, Beautiful Girl, Bunny Boy 2 James Dean: What?!
James Dean: This shit's embarrassing … ah … I came already … Problem sometimes…I get all heat up…pictures of jet engines, big silver cars fast as rockets flashing through my brain-pan and … Jesus … Listen it's been fun, but I gotta go…
Bunny Boy*withdraws, doesn't know where to look*
Barbarella: we were just getting started…
Bunny Boy: *!*
Beautiful Girlsays toJames Dean: It's no big deal, James…some other time. But let's keep driving.
James Dean:*pulls up his trousers* No…sorry. See ya.
James Dean*runs away, cowed by the jeers of a thousand dolled-up skinheads*
Bunny Boy: *Kinda shell-shocked* (*!*)
Barbarellasays toBunny Boy: What's up w/u?
Bunny Boyzips up and hops off…
Barbarella*hands on hips* sheesh
Beautiful Girl: For real… n°
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Luke Sutherland grew up in the Orkney Islands. He is most recently the author of Sweetmeat, and his first novel, Jelly Roll, was shortlisted for the 1999 Whitbread First Novel Award. He has never before been published in the U.S. He is also known for his musical collaborations with bands such as Mogwai and Long Fin Killie, and for his personal music project, Bows.
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