Five Celebrity Sex Tapes That Will Never Be

Last week after Eric Dane and his wife sued Gawker Media over their leaked sex tape, publisher Nick Denton Tweeted, "...if you don’t want a sex tape on the internet, ‘don’t make one!”

While it seems like nearly everyone in Hollywood has made a sex tape, here are five celebrity sex tapes we'll never see, because they'll never be.

5. Nick Jonas

Hey, sex with yourself is still sex, right? (Or does wearing a purity ring prohibit that, too?) This one would most likely be of Jonas jerking off to pictures of Miley Cyrus. It would be filmed, of course, with his cell phone.

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4. Michelle Williams and Spike Jonze


A Michelle Williams-Spike Jonze sex tape just wasn't meant to me. Mainly because media-shy Michelle is certainly not the kind of woman who'd make a sex tape. Plus, she already broke up with her filmmaker boyfriend. But—like in our wildest dreams—if they ever did make one, it would be full of all kinds of sexy hipster imagery. So much so that our, um, minds would explode.

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3. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest

There would be lots of leather in this video, Clay Aiken would be playing in the background and Cowell (the top, of course) would whip Seacrest into sexual submission. Dialogue would include, "Keep your bloody fucking mouth shut," and "Now open your fucking mouth and put it on my cock!" In the end though, Cowell just wouldn't be satisfied. He'd tell Seacrest he was "horrendous" and storm over to the tripod to shut off the camera.

2. Jon and Kate Gosselin


This one would take the cake for least climactic sex tape ever, because every time Jon and Kate would be on the verge of doing something exciting, one of their eight kids would barge into the room. Eventually one of the kids would wake up after hearing Kate yell at Jon for taking so long to come, and in a crying haze knock over the camera. That's when the screen would go black and fuzzy.

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1. Michelle and Barack Obama

Set in the Lincoln Bedroom, the sex between Michelle and Barack Obama would certainly be aerobic (look at those fit bodies!), yet the two would be completely respectful of one another. While Barack may be somewhat more dominant than Michelle (in a very gentlemanly way), she would silently lead him to do the things she loves so much. They'd stare longingly into each other's eyes the entire time and have simultaneous orgasms. Afterward, they'd cuddle and Barack would smoke a cigarette. They'd fall asleep and forget to turn off the camera and America would be content watching our first couple peacefully spoon (neither one of them snoring, of course) until the tape ran out.

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