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1. Let’s just start this by saying that the allegations against Michael Jackson are very serious and that we should all be aware of that when we’re cracking jokes about the trial. 2. Phew. I haven’t written something so earnest since I reviewed The Joshua Tree for my school newspaper. 3. And Thought No. 1 is kind of having your cake and eating it, too, isn’t it? 4. But you can’t get too excited about this trial. It’s just sad. Sad about the alleged crime, sad about the alleged victim, sad about all the innocent people being dragged into this, and sad that it’s detracted from the national mania over Latoya’s new album. 5. Let me be the 1,000,000th person to say that prior to his big physical/mental/allegedly criminal breakdown, I was a big Michael Jackson fan. There are a lot of us walking around, publicly saying "Michael Jackson is a freak"as "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough" is secretly playing on our iPods. 6. By the way, I can’t take the people who like dissing iPods. What’s next, guys? Sun? Oxygen? 7. I really hung on to Michael Jackson for a while. I was with him through Bad, and even up until Dangerous. But that video with Macaulay Culkin kind of did it for me. It wasn’t that it was creepy to see Mac hanging out with Michael. It was that the video seemed to be made for eight year olds. Which, come to think of it, is creepy, too. 8. But if you watch those old Jackson Five tapes, oh man. To think people call Conor Oberst a prodigy. If you see Conor singing his guts out while bouncing around in three-piece polyester suit like a miniature James Brown, give me call. 9. I caught myself biting my lip and dancing crazily to Talking Heads the other day. I should have turned myself into a police station. 10. I’ve heard the argument about iPods being imperfect sounding because MP3s compress music, and therefore what you hear isn't the complete song. That’s interesting. When you figure out a way for me to carry around your super duper Hi-Fi and 34,000-vinyl-album collection in my jacket pocket, let me know. 11. Do you know anyone who's been following the Michael Jackson trial on TV? Seriously. Do you think he's kind of bummed that no one really cares? Like, as celebrity trials go, this one has gotten the reception of, say, Invincible? 12. "Butterflies" on Invincible is a great song, though. If Justin Timberlake had sung that song, the kids on TRL would have lost their trucker-capped minds. 13. I remember reading an interview once with George Clinton. He was asked: if you could produce a record by anyone in the world, who would it be? That’s right. He said Michael Jackson. 14. Man, who would have thought that between George Clinton and Michael Jackson, Michael would turn out to be the crazy one? Rare is the human who out-crazies George Clinton. 15. If you went to a good law school, spent a couple years in the D.A.'s office and now find yourself standing outside a courthouse in Santa Maria, California, doing Michael Jackson trial stand-ups for cable TV, I bet it takes at least a couple of drinks to fall asleep at night. 16. Because you can make some flimsy argument that Americans are really fascinated by celebrity, and that California v. Michael Jackson is a case with all the ingredients of a great trial — fame, duplicity, fancy lawyers, a prosecutor hellbent on conviction — but the fact is, it’s just a depressing, icky semi-spectacle that that barely warrants coverage in the newspaper, much less round-the-clock television coverage, or twenty-nine thoughts from your local internet moron. 17. I like that Michael Jackson’s lawyers subpoenaed Liz Taylor, Kobe Bryant and Jay Leno. Do you think that Michael also wanted to subpoena Cap'n Crunch, Winnie the Pooh and Flipper, and they had to talk him out of it? 18. I bet if you talk him out of it, you have to be gentle, like, you can’t tell him that Flipper and Cap'n Crunch don’t really exist. You have to tell him that Flipper has a prior commitment and Cap'n Crunch is sailing the Southern Sea until August. 19. “Oh, Cap'n Crunch is at sail? Oh, okay.” 20. Hey, here’s a music question for all the tough guys and girls out there: how many members of Maroon 5 do you think you could beat up at once? One? Three? The whole band, Karate Kid-style? 21. If you're over thirty, know that everyone had a kid in his or her school who wore the red Michael Jackson jacket. It’s a boring story: stop telling it. 22. Unless it was the "Thriller" jacket. It was relatively acceptable to bust out the "Beat It" Jacket. But that crazy "Thriller" jacket — it took some panache. 23. The next time you’re at the video store or on Netflix or whatever, and you can’t figure out what to get, and you’re thinking of renting some crap Kevin Spacey thing, get Listen Up! The Lives of Quincy Jones instead. You can thank me later. 24. I was sad when everyone got mad at Michael Jackson for wearing pajamas to the courthouse. I’ve been pushing pajamas as acceptable public clothing for years, and now I’m worried it’s not going to happen in my lifetime. 25. Those were some pajamas, though. 26. I also know where Michael Jackson was coming from with the giraffe. Who wouldn’t want a giraffe? I mean, just for a week or so, it would be awesome. I totally promise after one week I’d return it to a very natural, very happy environment, and it would have plenty of food, have lots of babies and would never die. 27. Don’t you think every time Justin or Usher dances they should pay Michael Jackson $1.50 or something? 28. "Hey, what's up with you, Adam?" "Oh, nothing. Just playin' with my giraffe." 29. I would likely be clobbered by Maroon 5. n°
©2005 Adam Boyle & hooksexup.com. |
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