Tuesday, April 5

11 a.m. — The one thing I will miss as TV moves away from cable and towards instant-streaming whatevers is the chance to stumble upon entertaining garbage, like Ancients Behaving Badly (History Channel). This installment is about Caligula, and features many exciting variations on the phrase, “There's no proof, but... ”

3 p.m. — What is it about Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (USA) that appeals to me so? My current theory is that the conflict between keeping things fresh and justifying the SVU detectives' involvement leads to particularly unpredictable and absurd plot lines. Tell me again, Elliot Stabler, how did the dead woman in S&M gear lead you to a diamond smuggling ring?

This particular episode features the neglected children of two rock stars; a hopelessly dated plot, as we now know that famous people work their children like precious little organ monkeys until they burn out, fez in tatters, blow everywhere.

Wednesday, April 6

8:30 p.m. — I think about watching a show called Extreme Couponing (TLC). But then I realize I will never be as ingenious or as committed as a woman named J'aime who stockpiles jars of peanuts. I get sad.

9:00 p.m. — But then I get wine! A lovely magnum of red wine, which is completely appropriate as I — completely by accident — come upon the MythBusters season premier (Discovery). I watch this show for two reasons: one, I like to watch things explode, again and again, in slow motion. Two, I have a strong if strange attraction to three of the five MythBusters. (Can you guess which ones? Helpful hint: I like guys.)

But there are no explosions this time around. Instead I find the “build team” trying to spin a merry-go-round using guns, a “myth” which comes from a movie released in 2007. I think this should disqualify it from contention. Red wine agrees, and signals its displeasure by disappearing into my stomach. Adam and Jamie, meanwhile, wear terrifying Jamie and Adam masks inspired by Mission: Impossible. I've never seen the movie Trash Humpers, because I severely don't want to, but the whole thing reminds me of the movie Trash Humpers.

Thursday, April 7

10 p.m. — Thursday becomes a surprisingly quiet night on TV when the NBC comedies are M.I.A. This would probably be different if I were more interested in the overwrought dramatics of banal monsters who prey on the innocent while lusting after eternal youth, but I just can't get in to either The Vampire Diaries (CW) or The Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo).

Thankfully FX's Archer comes through in a clutch, with an amusing if not stellar entry about stolen 401k money that's then gambled away but actually stolen but then... whatever, that's not the point. The point is Mallory Archer in an Elvira costume. That's truly the point of it all.