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37

Seven Lady Mensches I'd Like to Schtup

In honor of the High Holidays, the choicest of the chosen people.

By Ray Rahman
Yesterday, a Hooksexup writer brought you this list of the seven sexiest mensches she'd like to schtup. But, while often thought of as a male descriptor, the Yiddish term "mensch" can apply to either gender. And so, in honor of Friday's Yom Kippur, here are the upstanding Jewish women I'd bring home to Bubbe.

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman is a lady mensch for every man. Along with her busy acting career, which has been thriving since she was a teenager, she's managed to go to Harvard, publish several academic papers, and become an outspoken activist -- for everything from Zionism to microfinance to vegan footwear. Whether or not you agree with her causes, you can't deny that she's as smart as she is passionate. And, of course, that's she's sexy as hell.

Alison Brie

Alison Brie

This Mad Mensch started out acting in Jewish Community Centers, long before she took her beauty to television shows like, well, Community. She’s cute enough to have worked as a clown at birthday parties, but also hot enough to brag about the sexual misadventures of her youth on Hooksexup. (Said story, about trying to help a closeted gay friend lose his virginity, also makes a strong argument for her generous spirit.)

Jenny Lewis

For more than ten years, songstress/actress/Jewess Jenny Lewis released sweet lullabies with her band, Rilo Kiley, and lately has been working on her own solo material. Lewis is also the perfect lady mensch, both seductive and down-to-earth: “I like watching you undress,” she coos on Rabbit Fur Coat’s “Happy,” before adding “And, I think we’re at our best by the flicker of the light of the TV set.”

Rashida Jones

Rashida Jones

A literal mix of the suave Quincy Jones and The Mod Squad’s Peggy Lipton, Rashida Jones is obviously extremely cool. She sang TuPac poetry, played David Foster Wallace characters, and sexed up two of NBC’s finest sitcoms. Yet she still finds time to be one of the world’s sexiest philanthropists, giving her time and money to Housing Works, St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, and the ONE Campaign.

Elizabeth Banks

Elizabeth Banks

The unrepentantly blond Banks is not only beautiful but also hilarious, as her turns in Wet Hot American Summer -- a Jewcentric send-up of ‘80s summer camp movies -- and 30 Rock have proven. A former shiksa, she met the menschy Max Handelman on her first day of college and joined the tribe upon marrying him.

Emmy Rossum

Emmy Rossum

Emmanuelle Rossum might be the most glamorous mensch on this list: she sang opera for the Met at the age of seven, she once played Audrey Hepburn, and she can claim Vera Wang as her aunt. She's nearly as accomplished a do-gooder: her efforts have advanced breast cancer awareness, AIDs prevention, environmental conservation, gay rights, and, of course, her own sexiness.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal’s striking beauty is matched by her lightning-rod activism. She spoke out against the impending Iraq War at the Independent Spirit Awards in 2002, well before it was fashionable to do so, and she’s a longtime supporter of Witness, a non-profit that uses video to expose human rights violations. Of course, my favorite part of her career is Secretary, a film in which Gyllenhaal exposes something else entirely.

Comments ( 37 )

Maggie Gyllenhaal, really?

mrow commented on Sep 15 10 at 7:27 am

Yes, really.

Photo gal commented on Sep 15 10 at 8:36 am

Hooray Maggie.

Matt commented on Sep 15 10 at 8:43 am

Rashida Jones and Elizabeth Banks are really good choices.

Jake A commented on Sep 15 10 at 8:50 am

I want more on Jenny Lewis's menschiness.

Sudsy commented on Sep 15 10 at 8:51 am

Well, she once helped a sad little kid find a Warp Whistle in Super Mario Bros. 3. Gotta count for something.

@Sudsy commented on Sep 15 10 at 9:34 am

I had no idea half these gals were Jewish. Nice list!

volumeknob commented on Sep 15 10 at 9:42 am

Too bad Emmy Rossum doesn't have any actual talent to go along with those looks. She's been beyond awful in everything I've ever seen her in.

FT commented on Sep 15 10 at 10:37 am

What about Emanuelle Chiquiri? The hottest Jewess on TV right now?

jj commented on Sep 15 10 at 11:02 am

Second that, jj

Hooksexupsystem commented on Sep 15 10 at 12:42 pm

Look, I know Sarah Silverman would be a non-hip answer here. But.

Sunbury commented on Sep 15 10 at 12:45 pm

Sarah Silverman is no mensch.

@Sunbury commented on Sep 15 10 at 1:32 pm

Secretary was an AWESOME movie....kinda makes you say.....Sadomasochists are real people too....

PeteAK commented on Sep 15 10 at 6:25 pm

I'd break my dick off in Rashida. Seriously.

Amber Lamps commented on Sep 15 10 at 9:29 pm

@Amber Lamps: Is that the douchebag version of circumcision?

noodlez commented on Sep 15 10 at 9:51 pm

@mrow - Have you _seen_ Secretary?

mb commented on Sep 15 10 at 10:39 pm

Jewish lineage is passed down matrilinearly. Banks doesnt count. Still as shiksa as my goyim ass. You guys/gals are allegedly smarter than this. Dumb column in many aspects.

sorry_correction commented on Sep 15 10 at 10:58 pm

My mom upon seeing The Dark Knight: "Why did they cast an ugly girl?"

Keith commented on Sep 16 10 at 12:08 am

Wow, way to offend the thousands of converted (like Banks) and patrilineal Jews that are accepted by Reform Judaism, which is by far the largest denomination in America. Prick.

@sorrycorrection commented on Sep 16 10 at 1:12 am

The last one is a joke ?

LC commented on Sep 16 10 at 5:44 am

Is not cute at all, she looks like a mastiff or bassett hound.

Maggie G commented on Sep 16 10 at 7:12 am

...we all shriek for Emanuelle Chriqui

I shriek, you shriek commented on Sep 16 10 at 7:58 am

Maggie Gyllenhaal? What the hell were you thinking? She looks like Droopy Dog.

Curtis Lower commented on Sep 16 10 at 9:18 am

I think Elizabeth Banks is HOT.

www.privacy-web.cz.tc

Jo Dean commented on Sep 16 10 at 9:21 am

Yawn !

Goy commented on Sep 16 10 at 9:29 am

Too bad their jewish...

John commented on Sep 16 10 at 9:47 am

Maggie Gyllenhaal? - nah

garm commented on Sep 16 10 at 9:55 am

Wow, this list is so fail. Maggie?...your a nut job buddy. No Bar Rafaeli? No Mila Kunis? No Brooke Burke? but MAGGIE??? You Sir, are FAIL.

jd commented on Sep 16 10 at 1:32 pm

belong on this list.

Lizzy Caplan commented on Sep 16 10 at 1:41 pm

Which one would Hitler do?

Jew Lover commented on Sep 16 10 at 3:01 pm

Any male author who would leave Sara Silverman off of a to-do list like this must be simply POSING as a straight guy. Ha ha, you had me goin there right up until I landed on Maggie Gyllenhaal. Which by the way, and for the record, is like stepping on an Asian land mine while walking to your own bathroom. In your own house. On a trail you have known to be safe from Asian land mines for as long as you have owned the place.
Seriously. Two things: Family commenters here should really read more into these selections. There is much more going on here than is obvious at the surface. Secondly, Sara call me! I'll show you a real list ;)

lucid doubletake commented on Sep 16 10 at 3:03 pm

It's SaraH Silverman. With an H. And she might be hot and funny but she's not very menschy.

And Maggie Gyllenhaal is a babe:

https://topnews.in/usa/files/Maggie-Gyllenhaal.jpg

silverman commented on Sep 16 10 at 6:39 pm

Have you guys seen maggie gyllenhaal in 1080p She's the reason I can't watch Dark Knight in HD.

What????? commented on Sep 16 10 at 7:17 pm

Lizzy Kaplan no doubt should be on the list. Regina Spektor as well. Natalie Portman is a bit overdone these days. Sure she's gorgeous but come on get a little creative. Alison Brie by gets my vote for Jewess of the year. She truly is Hashem's gift to man.

I love you Alison commented on Sep 17 10 at 2:23 am

alona tal...

wakka commented on Sep 17 10 at 6:28 am

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amie commented on Sep 17 10 at 11:33 pm

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amie commented on Sep 17 10 at 11:33 pm

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