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5. Out of the Closet and into the Stall Wouldn't it be weird if a Republican Senator from a conservative state pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, after having been arrested for lewd conduct, i.e. allegedly propositioning an undercover officer in an airport bathroom? And wouldn't it be even weirder if he resigned his Senate seat, then unresigned. And if numerous men kept saying they'd had sex with him? Wouldn't that be weird? |
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4. The Jesus and Meth Chain As President of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard used to have weekly teleconferences with the man he helped elect in 2004, George W. Bush. The two discussed areas of mutual interest, such as the wonderfulness of Jesus and how to char-grill sodomites properly. These tete-a-tetes ended in 2006, when the lizardy pastor confessed to "sexual immorality." What he actually meant was, "going on crystal meth binges and cornholing my male prostitute/supplier." At last count, Haggard had received counseling and was no longer gay. |
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3. All Men Are Created Horny Did Thomas Jefferson, primary author of the Declaration of Independence, two-term president (1801-1809), purchaser of Louisiana and other territories, and the guy on the nickel, actually live with one of his female slaves and father her children? I have no idea, but I'll bet you Strom Thurmond knows. There is no question that Sally Hemings was one of his slaves, and that she came to Paris to care for Jefferson's nine-year-old daughter, Isabel. She appears to have spent the rest of her years at Monticello, Jefferson's blingy Virginia crib. She also had six kids. Genetic testing and genealogical study have established a clear link between Jefferson and the Hemings brood. But not enough to qualify Jefferson for a special posthumous presidential edition of The Jerry Springer Show. Where is Matt Drudge when you really need him? |
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2. "Get a Ruler and Measure It For Me" Those are the exact words of an instant message sent by Mark Foley (R-Florida) to a sixteen-year-old male congressional page. Foley also sent these messages: how my favorite young stud doing I know what you're thinking: the guy needs to work on his IM grammar chops. But here's something else kind of shady about Foley: As chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, he introduced legislation targeting online sexual predators. As he explained to an NPR interviewer in 2002, "Where I have to draw the line is using children for the excitement of those more mature people who should know the difference and know better." Right. The touching thing about the Foley scandal wasn't just that he was a skeeve, but that the entire House Leadership knew he was a skeeve and covered his ass for more than a year. That, my friends, is party unity. |
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1. Oral in the Oval It's Clinton and Lewinsky at the top of the ticket! Could there really be any doubt? After all, this is the scandal that once and for all rid the press corps of any inconvenient impulse to, for instance, exercise a conscience. To review the basics: on nine occasions Bill Clinton engaged in various forms of sexual behavior — up to but not including genital penetration — with Monica Lewinsky, then a 22-year-old intern, in and around the Oval Office. The exact details were eventually compiled by attorney/amateur pornographer Kenneth Starr, who served as Special Independent Counsel in Charge of Finding Some Kind of Shit on the Clintons for many many years. The Republican dominated House of Representatives — led by confessed adulterers Henry Hyde and Bob Livingston — impeached Clinton in 1998. He was acquitted of perjury and obstruction of justice after a twenty-one-day Senate trial. He emerged from the proceedings more popular with the American people than he had been before them. Why? Because the American people are more mature than the press that panders to them. In the end, we'd prefer cold, hard leadership to hot sex. Imagine that. |
Steve Almond's new essay collection is (Not that You Asked). It is, like much of his work, filthy.
©2008 Steve Almond and hooksexup.com
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