That red smoke from the Vatican chimney can mean only one thing: We have a winner — winners, actually — in our Hottest Performance in Worst Movie contest. As Scanner Sarah noted earlier today, Milla Jovovich was an early favorite for her work in the Resident Evil series, where she manages to look smashing in nearly every zombie-slash-exposition-laden scene. But we couldn't pull the trigger on Milla because, let's face it, Resident Evil ain't all that bad. You got guns, guts, ghouls... Plenty of stuff other than Milla to distract you from the shabby filmmaking. And we're not looking for someone who simply looks great in the middle of TBS-level mediocrity here; we're looking for performances of such boner-inducing appeal that they make us sit through two hours of pure, uncut awfulness.
Which means that the winners, by some distance, are Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas in the 2001 erotic period piece (yeesh!) Original Sin.
This movie’s pretty much a perfect shit storm: Its hotness is egalitarian and historic, as it features Skinemax action between both Antonio at the end of what might be called his Desperado years, and Angie before she got classy and baby-hungry. It's almost universally recognized as badbadbad, receiving a 12% on rottentomatoes.com. And the humorless, gauzy filmmaking and laughable attempts at suspense are excruciating when there aren’t boobs and butts a-heavin’. Plus, with its colonial setting, it has aims at historic relevance that make Mandingo look like Amistad. So bravo to reader Sandra Miller for ever sitting through such a wretched film and living to tell the tale. Sandra, be sure to drop us a line with your address, and alert Homeland Security that the apparatus we'll be sending you is a massage device for your bursitis, and not, in fact, something nice for your cha-cha.
Oh, and thaler — good call on Resident Evil 2. Is that the hottest gay subtext in a movie ever or what? Hmmm... Does anyone smell another contest? — Bryan Christian