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Help Us, Mitt Romney, You're Our Only Hope

Posted by Brian Fairbanks

Do your grandparents live in Florida? Are they doped-up, degenerate Republicans? (Is there any other kind? Kidding, of course.) In all seriousness, people, we need Mitt Romney to win this primary today. If he doesn't, count on a good 4 to 16 more years of Republicans occupying the White House. Because if McCain wins the Sunshine State, it's all over. Mark my words, this year's election is being decided today, in one state.

Talk to your grandparents and other people susceptible to your charms and tell them how important, how crucial it is for you, for the country, that a wonderful, caring, beautiful man named Mitt Romney is given the nod. Don't tell them that he's a crazy Mormon and the only candidate Hillary Clinton can beat.

Don't tell them he's turned his back on every issue he ever supported as Governor of super-liberal Druggachussetts. And for God's sake (try to mention God every other word), don't tell them a McCain victory today virtually guarantees him a Super Tuesday sweep and a straight run all year as the nominee, while the Democrats fight bitterly on, possibly right up through the convention, leaving them weakened and likely fatally damaging their party's nominee.

Okay, all kidding aside, the race is a virtual tie, with Giuliani doomed to a distant third place. Apparently, he's been seen giving away his belongings (I'm not kidding) and thanking staffers and media reps for their time and commitment. Holy God, is Rudy Giuliani going to plunge himself into the Hudson River if he isn't elected President?! My God, at least give him a close second, people. Who are we going to make fun of when it's just McCain and Romney all the way to November?

In other news, Ron Paul is completely insane. Please send us any news you have to back this up, as we haven't done any stories on that nut and it'd be a good start if we could get a flame war going in the comments section. Thank you. 

[Photo of Governor Romney: Cheryl Senter, New York Times] 


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Comments

Ron Paul » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope said:

Pingback from  Ron Paul » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope

January 29, 2008 9:44 AM

Ron Paul » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope said:

Pingback from  Ron Paul » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope

January 29, 2008 9:48 AM

Rudy Giuliani » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope said:

Pingback from  Rudy Giuliani » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope

January 29, 2008 9:54 AM

Hillary Clinton » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope said:

Pingback from  Hillary Clinton » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope

January 29, 2008 9:58 AM

Romney » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope said:

Pingback from  Romney » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope

January 29, 2008 10:04 AM

Ron Paul » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope said:

Pingback from  Ron Paul » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope

January 29, 2008 10:09 AM

Mitt Romney » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope said:

Pingback from  Mitt Romney » Help Us, Mitt Romney, You’re Our Only Hope

January 29, 2008 10:20 AM

wundersmack said:

Disagree.  Obama can beat either of these guys.  I'm just sayin.

January 29, 2008 11:57 AM

Brian Fairbanks said:

Yes, but Obama isn't likely to be the nominee. And he's certainly going to have a really tough fight ahead if he does come out of the convention the victor.

Like I said, though, Romney's the Democrat's best chance to take back the White House.

January 29, 2008 1:13 PM

profrobert said:

Actually, www.presidentialpolls.com is currently showing a 10 electoral college vote lead for Clinton over McCain and a 9 vote lead for Edwards over McCain.  Obama is 138 votes behind McCain.  (All three Democrats beat Romney handily, though.)

January 29, 2008 4:30 PM

LydiaSarah said:

Yes, McCain will absolutely be the toughest republican to beat. That's why nominating Hillary Clinton is suicide for the Democrats. Why don't more people realize this? If anything is a "fairy tale", it is Hillary Clinton's alleged electability. She is one of the most divisive American politicians there is--plenty of Democratic voters don't like her (me!) so how can she be expected to attract the independents that candidates need to win a general election--and that McCain has proven himself good at attracting. If it's a McCain vs. Clinton race, McCain will trounce her.

  So vote Obama. He can beat McCain. McCain has real flaws too. He's really old and looks every bit his age, and he wants to stay in Iraq for, like, 2 billion years, which the rest of the country doesn't want. Obama could beat him and he has a shot at being the nominee--it's not in the bag, but there's a shot, more of one of people who want him stop saying that he can't win. So come Super Tuesday folks--vote Obama!

January 29, 2008 5:49 PM

EddieTwoShoes said:

You guys are killing me with all this McCain-is-unstoppable, Clinton-is-unelectable stuff.  Where are you getting this info?  Poll after poll after poll show that not only does Clinton have a GREAT chance of beating McCain, but that she has a far BETTER chance than does Obama.  I'm very literally convinced that this everyone-hates-Clinton stuff is right-wing propaganda, and it's DANGEROUS, because the more you keep repeating it, the more people will start to believe it, and THEN she becomes harder to elect.

Clinton for the win!  

January 30, 2008 8:20 AM

Brian Fairbanks said:

Hillary Clinton has the highest negatives in the country. It would make no sense to nominate the candidate who has the least appeal to conservatives, far-lefties, and independents. Obama was not as strong as Edwards, but he has shown the ability to appeal to all three of the above.

And by the way, where do we get this info? It's called talking to the electorate. And whether you care about polls are not, statistically they are almost always right. (Yesterday, for example, they were exact.) McCain leads Hillary by a whopping 8 points already.

January 30, 2008 11:42 AM

EddieTwoShoesIsDelusional said:

Eddie,

Are you serious? What bubble do you live in? Forget the polls.  

We all know the democrats have a long, sad history of nominating the WORST candidates for president.  Let's call them the Dukaki of the world.  Hillary would be on this list and she will either lose or drag the nation through another divisive election.  Mind you, I don't think that she is unqualified or lacking the intelligence to lead, but there is simply more at stake than either her ambition or what she assumes is rightfully hers.  

Look, I travel a lot - Many of my closest friends span the ideological divide from working class, right-leaning moderates, to liberal rich, to GOP legislators to left-wing "intelligencia" friends.  I even have die-hard NASCAR friends.  All of them either support or are interested and intrigued by Obama.  NONE of them will support Hillary.  The best HIllary gets from my liberal friends is a "hold your nose and vote" vote.

But forget all that - here are my few simple, obvious reasons for supporting Obama for President (in no particular order)

1. A tired electorate: There is no other politician IN THE COUNTRY, not one, as polarizing as Hillary Clinton.  Think about that for a second.  Her poll numbers reflect name recognition but should not be read as either a) fondness or b) electability.  Clinton's own campaign cites her "ability to fight the right-wing attack machine" as an asset.  As if the last eight years didn't leave the electorate beat up enough as it is.  Who wants to spend the next 9 months trudging through the mountains of Clinton-family dirty laundry.  

2. She's definitely a uniter: Right now the GOP is fractured and soul-searching - Hillary will instantly unite the Right against her.  After fiercely polarized eight years, the American people are tired of all the hate, especially of the "whatever it takes to win" and "if it works it's right" snakes who think the presidency is some kind of rightful inheritance.    At least this citizen is.

3. An electorate nostalgic for democracy:  win or lose the nomination or the White House, the fact that a Billary Administration is even considered a strong possibility tears at the very fabric of our Democracy.  As if among 300+ million Americans only two families are qualified enough to run the country for the last 25+ years.   Make no mistake, history will judge this time of our Democracy poorly.

4. America wants real change.  Hillary Clinton will be more status quo than even John McCain.  Look at her donors - big business, big pharma, big money.  But for one or two initiatives (like, maybe, healthcare) Hillary Clinton is  the safe bet for all things staying the course in this race.  Follow the big money and you will see for yourself.

But finally and most importantly, this country needs more than just a new direction in Washington, it needs a shot of hope and inspiration not more divisiveness and distracting drama.   Just imagine the further splintering of our government should she win the White House.  What will get done? Nothing. Whereas the Democrats are too weak to actually impeach a criminal president, the Right will stop at nothing to find a way to drag her Administration into a state of paralysis every chance they get.  

Obama represents not just change, but the chance to heal our nation's damaged psychosis and withering self esteem.  The People want to believe in their president again, and that simply will not be with Hillary Clinton in the White House.

January 30, 2008 12:25 PM

Bryan Christian said:

Yeah, I gotta say, I know I work here too and all but actually I disagree on any number of points here. Like, how exactly are Democrats supposed to be powerful enough to maneuver whoever they want into the Republican nomination but also weak enough to lose the general election?

Oh, and full disclosure, I'm exactly twice as excited about Obama as I am about Clinton (seriously, you can check my monthly credit card statement).

January 30, 2008 12:53 PM

LydiaSarah said:

Great points, EddieTwoShoesIsDelusional. I love how Hillary touts her ability to "beat the right-wing attack machine". She has done nothing of the sort. She has stayed around because she has JOINED the right! Why do you think she voted for the Iraq war? Re-election time was a-coming. Selling out is one way to avoid getting taken out by the right but not the way I want my commander-in-chief to employ. Obama has managed to achieve his level of success while maintaining his positions because he has genuine respect for other points of view, and so people who hold those points of view have respect for him. People listen when they feel they are being listened to. Many people I know who support Obama are more conservative than him and disagree with him on several issues, but they support him because they believe he has integrity and vision. Clinton has neither.

I mean, come on, my mother didn't even vote for Clinton in the last midterm election. My mother is a middle-aged life-long, straight-line, self-described "moderate" democrat (although in today's political climate, she looks like a pink-o commie...) who has stuck with her party through thick and thin (very, very thin). And she voted for the green party candidate. Because she wanted to "use her vote to send the message to Hillary that if she continues to sell out or not speak up on serious moral issues like torture and the war, than she will start to lose her base."

I'm not talking about college-age radicals in Cambridge and Manhattan here, folks. I'm talking about 50-something ladies from Buffalo, NY. Voting for Nader's party because Clinton is too much of a hack. Not exactly inspiring. Hillary doesn't "fight" the republican attack machine--she kisses its ass. And after all that, they still hate her so much that her nomination will be the magic antidote they need to heal their ideologically fractured party.

I'm ready for a president that neither demonizes their opponents nor kowtows to them. I'm tired of divisiveness that only weakens the chance of real progressive reform. I'm ready for real political discourse again. Obama can get us there.

January 30, 2008 5:25 PM

About Brian Fairbanks

Brian Fairbanks, the Senior National Political Correspondent for Hooksexup, is a filmmaker living in the wilds of Brooklyn. He previously wrote for the Hartford Courant and Gawker/The Consumerist. He will be first against the wall, come the revolution.

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about the blogger

Emily Farris writes about culture and food for numerous publications and websites you've probably never heard of, including her own blog eefers. Her first cookbook will be published in fall 2008. Emily lives in Greenpoint, Brooklyn with her cat, but just one . . . so far.

Brian Fairbanks is a filmmaker living in the wilds of Brooklyn. He previously wrote for the Hartford Courant and Gawker. He won the Williamsburg Spelling Bee once. He loves cats, women with guns, and burning books.

Nicole Pasulka is a Brooklyn writer and editor who's always on the lookout for the dirty. Her other virtual home is at The Morning News, where things are squeaky clean most of the time.

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