Do your grandparents live in Florida? Are they doped-up, degenerate Republicans? (Is there any other kind? Kidding, of course.) In all seriousness, people, we need Mitt Romney to win this primary today. If he doesn't, count on a good 4 to 16 more years of Republicans occupying the White House. Because if McCain wins the Sunshine State, it's all over. Mark my words, this year's election is being decided today, in one state.
Talk to your grandparents and other people susceptible to your charms and tell them how important, how crucial it is for you, for the country, that a wonderful, caring, beautiful man named Mitt Romney is given the nod. Don't tell them that he's a crazy Mormon and the only candidate Hillary Clinton can beat.
Don't tell them he's turned his back on every issue he ever supported as Governor of super-liberal Druggachussetts. And for God's sake (try to mention God every other word), don't tell them a McCain victory today virtually guarantees him a Super Tuesday sweep and a straight run all year as the nominee, while the Democrats fight bitterly on, possibly right up through the convention, leaving them weakened and likely fatally damaging their party's nominee.
Okay, all kidding aside, the race is a virtual tie, with Giuliani doomed to a distant third place. Apparently, he's been seen giving away his belongings (I'm not kidding) and thanking staffers and media reps for their time and commitment. Holy God, is Rudy Giuliani going to plunge himself into the Hudson River if he isn't elected President?! My God, at least give him a close second, people. Who are we going to make fun of when it's just McCain and Romney all the way to November?
In other news, Ron Paul is completely insane. Please send us any news you have to back this up, as we haven't done any stories on that nut and it'd be a good start if we could get a flame war going in the comments section. Thank you.
[Photo of Governor Romney: Cheryl Senter, New York Times]