Lately, Scanner has been showing love to a lot of hateful people and things (ahem--Hayden Panty-Lines?? Serious?). But it's time to get the Haterade out of the fridge and take a long drink. See, we've forgotten what we're really here for: to shit on things that other people mistakenly tolerate or enjoy. Today, that thing is outer space and, strangely enough, conception in outer space.
This article (which is probably one of the best articles we've ever read, by the way), discusses two things that Scanner Nicole hopes never to be: pregnant and in space. Getting knocked up while in space is pretty much the last thing she wants to happen to her. So while we're on the topic, and in case you haven't already had the pleasure of listening to her "material" on space, we'll give you the abbreviated version:
Space is a fucking waste of money and resources. We know more about space than about the ocean floor and the ocean floor is ON PLANET EARTH. Space is lonely and boring and cold and the food sucks. Sure stars are pretty, but they look just like planes flying overhead and at least planes are useful.
So, you ask, how can this be the best article you've ever read if it concerns itself with such a terrible, horrible thing-- a thing you absolutely hate hearing about and wish would just disappear? Well, it's because of lines like these:
"The biggest problem is how to conceive, because liquid cannot be spilt under the condition of weightlessness."
"But they do not need a bed in space. They can love each other in the air."
"And what will come out of that? As soon as he touches her, she will fly away in the opposite direction. A bed or at least some fastening device on a wall is more likely to be used."
“Is astronauts’ sexual need taken into consideration during long-term flights?”
“Certainly. In space men exercise on treadmills. In addition, they can theoretically masturbate too. But they should not forget about condoms or other containers, otherwise drop of sperm will be flying chaotically in the cabin and they will have to collect it."
We have not cherry-picked these quotations. They're continuous. See, we love this article because it confirms what we've always suspected: Getting it on in space sucks. Similarly, we enjoy the movie Alien because it clarifies that being in space involves a lot of slime and parasitic alien/human relationships.
Scanner Nicole understands that some people do not agree that space is terrible. Therefore, she speaks only on behalf of Scanner Nicole and not for Scanner Bryan, Brian, or Emily. Trust us, she realizes this is an unpopular opinion and that it makes her seem like hater and a cave girl. She doesn't care.