Hi Bette,
It's me Katie. How are you? It's been a while, but I'm sure you remember me. I'm the one who told you NOT to wear strapless bras while doing yoga. In fact you should NOT wear strapless bras on any occasion that does not require a strapless shirt/dress, etc. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I think you're making a HUGE mistake by even considering getting back with Tina. I feel really bad that I didn't write you last week. I know that last weekend, when you were stuck in the elevator with Tina, you said you two "share values." Well, In the words of your older sister Kit, "Baby Girl," that was the lack of oxygen talking. Tina goes between housewife and corporate and is occasionally into men. You are brilliant and passionate about art and politics. And you find men's semen repugnant, remember? (If you don't, check Season One.) You need someone who is passionate, smart, committed, rebellious. Someone like... your girlfriend Jodi. Because I can tell you as someone who has been following you for a while now, you two share values and chemistry. How else can you explain the fact that you became fluent in sign language in one week? What is that, if not magic? OK, so maybe Jodi embarrasses you occasionally. I know, I don't like being seen on dates with people with crimped hair either. But Bette, I love you, you know I do, but you can sometimes dress kind of nerdy yourself. I mean, the high waisted pants you wear is one of the things I love about you, but they're really dorky. And look (in the photos) at the way Jodi challenges you. I you stole a sign from the top of a building and drove it around on a tractor for her. Tina never would have inspired that risk-taking creativity and felonious behavior. She inspires you to admire her jewelry (and dread your hair?).
But, of course, I didn't write you last week, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. After watching the disaster unfold yesterday, I can't help but think that had I written you, you wouldn't be in the mess you are in now, Jodi wouldn't have found out that you were cheating, and her protective translator wouldn't hate you. Of course, I can't blame myself. Alice certainly helped with her big mouth, weird sense of humor, and lack of social etiquette. I mean, I guess I can kind of understand why she thinks it's appropriate and fun to, during a breast cancer bike ride break, sit around a camp fire and crack up about what a cheater you are, in front of your current girlfriend Jodi, and your ex-girlfriend/ baby's mama/ former cheating victim and current cheating partner Tina. That is kind of fun. And then there's cry baby Tina who gets up and leaves the camp fire. Way to be subtle Tina. And, you don't know this, because you weren't there, but Tina is a total blabber mouth. After she ran from the camp fire into a tent, Shane and Alice followed her. After a second of resisting and saying "I don't want to talk about it," Tina spilled the entire can of beans. Good idea, Tina! Alice is obviously a good person to tell this stuff to. Maybe she can bring it up at someone's funeral or talk about it on the TV talk show she's working for. Bette, do you see the stupidity you would be surrounded by with Tina? I mean, I guess Tina is sweet, but she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. And she's certainly not the hottest lesbian in the tent. So Bette, please forgive me for not writing you earlier, and please try to salvage your relationship with Jodi and ditch ditzy. Maybe this is a sign we need to be in better touch, for your sake, not mine. So if you need to call or e-mail or even visit me, don't hesitate. You know, I'm always here for you!
Love your BFF,
Katie