Is it, as practiced in this country, merely an excuse for people to get drunk? Moreover, is it the one chance for white males to have their day in the sun, cherishing a heritage that may or not actually be theirs? An excuse to grope redheads (as if we need one)? Or is it a real holiday, not created by Hallmark or McSorley's...?
To know more about why March 17th drives people to drink, we look to the all-knowing Wikipedia, which tells us nothing:
When he was about sixteen [Patrick] was captured by Irish raiders and taken as a slave to Ireland, where he lived for six years before escaping and returning to his family. He entered the church, as his father and grandfather had before him, becoming a deacon and a bishop.
Pious legend credits Patrick with banishing snakes from the island, though post-glacial Ireland never actually had snakes...
So, St. Patrick's Day is founded on a pack of lies. Better yet, to start a rumor, St. Patrick is a fraud and was created by a very stoned J.K. Rowling. Seriously, though, we're stil not sure how a day celebrating an ancient priest turned into the only time straight men can get away with holding each other's hair over a public toilet.
And according to the History Channel, it was only recently that the government of Ireland sold out to revelers who haven't gone to bed since Mardi Gras and are looking for an excuse to sing Pogues songs:
In modern-day Ireland, St. Patrick's Day has traditionally been a religious occasion. In fact, up until the 1970s, Irish laws mandated that pubs be closed on March 17. Beginning in 1995, however, the Irish government began a national campaign to use St. Patrick's Day as an opportunity to drive tourism and showcase Ireland to the rest of the world.
All we know is that however you celebrate tonight (wait, you started already?!), please don't subject us to any of the following:
MORE: New York Post on St. Patrick's Day