Sadly, when we say we touched, we don't mean in a physical sense.
You guys want to hear the greatest story ever about buying porn? It's got a cameo by porn supastar Joanna Angel and everything...
OK, so, believe it or not, I, Scanner Bryan, had never actually bought a single porno movie before Friday night. I'd rented porn from adult video stores, and bought celebrity sextapes there too, but what with the Internet and all, I'd never really felt the need to go buy anything full-length or (more importantly) full price until, in the last few months, I'd been reading a lot about the industry -- Legs McNeil's oral history, Allan MacDonell's memoir of his time at Hustler -- and decided that maybe it was time to pull the trigger and buy some honest-to-god porn like everyone else in the world. You know, do the industry, everybody in my house, and all the neighbors who can hear our TV some good, right?
So, Friday night, I'm exchanging some jeans and, when I'm walking out, I notice one of these 60/40 shops we got in New York and decide to have a look. Within a few minutes I've got a pretty good bunch of stuff to take home: some John Holmes and Seka and Something Weird stuff for the classics, a few recent awards winners, just to see what the fuss was, and a couple of flicks featuring actresses that, frankly, I had been looking forward to seeing on a real TV for some time now. All well and good... oh, except where were the Joanna Angel videos? Despite hearting her for sometime, I'd never actually seen her in anything longer than a couple of minutes. Now was the time to rectify that particular situation, right?
So I ask the guy in the back: "Hey, you got any Burning Angel?"
He's like "Andrew Blake?"
I'm like "Burning Angel. They're kind of a New York thing?"
He's like "Andrew Blake?"
"Burning. Angel."
And he just looks at me.
"Never mind," I say, "thanks," and I pay for my videos and leave, a little bummed that I couldn't call my trip a complete success and that any full-length, full-res encounter with Joanna Angel would have to wait.
Two minutes later I'm underground, walking along one subway track to get to another, and a train pulls up next to me -- and out pops Joanna Angel herself, looking sweet and saucy and pretty much exactly like she does in pictures. Joanna, if you're reading this: I was that devastatingly handsome Mexican guy going the opposite direction in the stairwell in the train station. You know, black shirt, spiky hair, puffy army coat, hopefully taller seeming than I actually am? That guy you were walking with said "Tell me what I can do to help!" but come on, you and I both know that it was you and I that were undeniably having a moment, right? Like, as in, I was all "Wow, you're cute in person," and you were all like "I might be, yes."
Joanna, I just want you to know that so far, that moment alone has been a dozen times better than any of the movies I bought (though I haven't gotten to Night Dreams yet). Also: there's a store on 14th Street that you should probably send some samples to. (I might also be interested in some, if you got any handy!)
And to everyone else, let me just say that I have learned a valuable lesson: it may always be a good time to buy porn -- but there can also be a perfect time to do it.
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