"Blond hair the way God meant, blond like Clorox sunshine. A caviar body, if you like your caviar lacquered in barbecue sauce. Breasts like plucked guinea hens, undercooked and overstuffed. And those legs, like those of every coed in every early-80s corduroy skirt, waving across the quad at the guy just behind you. Cheerleader legs. Jackknifing legs that split the air like seesaws. In the Dukes of Hazzard music video, those legs are in cowboy boots, moving like joysticks across your screen. She's got that dumb-fox high-maintenance pout. She's got her own money: She can buy your house just to use the toilet. She's one of those Easy-Bake celebrities, up from Abilene, Texas, with a fizzy pop beat on church-choir training wheels. She's hot as fresh milk and has an okay voice, and the rest just happens around her. Luck on Red Bull."
She's been having a hard time lately, what with her little sister getting all the attention, but Esquire still loves Jessica Simpson, and so do we after reading their "Women We Love" cover story on her.
You should go read it. Especially because it was written by a woman.
[Esquire: The Case for Jessica Simpson]