John McCain, who will be President from 2009-2009, is running an insurgent campaign against the forces of Barack Hussein Obama, scion of the Royal Husseins of 9/11-loving Iraq. The man was "Rescue Dawn" before Herzog stole his life story. Hell, he was Chuck Norris before "Missing in Action," punk.
And that's why John McCain will destroy Barack with a IED strike on his anti-American church compound... or, at least, use this five tried and true Republican tactics to misinform the public and seize the election from the Democrats...
5. The Iraq War continues to fade from public view. It's already happening, thanks to a slew of positive news for the first time in our five year hostile takeover.
4. Cindy McCain is given her meds and locked in a dungeon in one of her 38 mansions, while Johnny and crew are out calling pauper Barack an "elitist trillionaire."
3. Play the race card against Obama. In fact, McCain is already taking the Bill Clinton-in-South-Carolina style of campaigning to heart.
2. Swift Boat the shit out of the Democrat. 2004 proved the media and the public are willing to let a group of Republican hacks and phonies run a decorated Veteran, whose story was backed by witnesses who were actually there, straight into the political ground. You don't think they're going to get away with it this time, with a guy whose patriotism, experience, and expertise has already been under heavy fire?
1. Pick Charlie Crist or any other swing state Governor to join the ticket. (Bonus points if the Obama picks a Democrat with high national negatives who will likely GOTV for the Republican base, such as... well, you know who.)
DISCLAIMER: Before anyone gets all uppity about this, especially #3, remember that we don't actually want McCain to do any of these things, but just that he will if he's going to win...
Previously: Top 5 Things Obama Should Do Now.