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10 More Ways to Get Pregnant

Posted by Brian Fairbanks

 

Today's San Francisco Examiner (online) has the continuation of one expert's set of tips on getting pregnant. 

Our summary? "1-200: Have sex."

Actually, there are some interesting claims here-- or maybe it's all bullshit designed to fill up space due to lost advertising. You never know in this business. Let's get down real close and have a look-see:

11. "Missionary position. Studies suggest the missionary position allows for deepest penetration, thus releasing sperm closer to the opening of the cervix."

12. "Fertili ‘Tea’ with vitex." Did they put "Tea" in quotes because they really meant marijuana? Sorry, yeah, we're not helping...

13. "Intercourse at least every other day." At least? Shit, if you're not having sex once a day, you're not trying hard enough, okay? "[H]aving intercourse every day during a woman’s most fertile time of the month which generally occurs days 10-16 of a woman’s menstrual cycle definitely increases the odds of conception. Some studies even suggest morning sex offers a better conception rate." Hey now, we're big fans of that...

14. "Post coital position. Women should relax on their back after intercourse with their hips upward in the doctor recommended position for 15 minutes allowing sperm easier access through the cervix." Wait, we thought this was a myth, like its opposite, the "keep your legs down and you won't get pregnant" school of teen sex.

15. Involves some sort of a kilt. If it's for dudes, we're not wearing it, no way.

16. Yoga. Blah blah, why does every guide include an obligatory "do yoga" tip as part of the how-to, even if the guide is for adjusting your carburetor. 

17. "Avoid artificial sweeteners." Ah man, next you'll tell us that tequila and firearms are detrimental...

18. "Hot baths. Studies indicate they may paralyze or hinder sperm. Cool surroundings offer the highest sperm and motility count."

19. "Avoid scrotum pressure." That's a big "hell yes" from us dudes, although that reaction has little do with the pregnancy thing, thanks.

20. "Cleaning products." No shit, really?

In all seriousness, if you're trying to get pregnant, check out the full list.

 

Related:

Republican Spawn Will Taunt and Taint Our Nation's Hope

Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Woman Convicted For the Old "Smuggling a Monkey in Pregnant Belly" Routine

Babies Having Babies, Well Probably Aborting Them


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

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About Brian Fairbanks

Brian Fairbanks, the Senior National Political Correspondent for Hooksexup, is a filmmaker living in Brooklyn or New Orleans, depending on the season. He is a heavily-armed advocate of gun control.

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Emily Farris writes about culture and food for numerous publications and websites you've probably never heard of, including her own blog eefers. Her first cookbook, Casserole Crazy: Hot Stuff for Your Oven was published in 2008. Emily recently escaped New York and now lives in a ridiculously large apartment in Kansas City, MO with her cat, but just one... so far.

Brian Fairbanks is a filmmaker living in the wilds of Brooklyn. He previously wrote for the Hartford Courant and Gawker. He won the Williamsburg Spelling Bee once. He loves cats, women with guns, and burning books.

Colleen Kane has been an editor at BUST and Playgirl magazines and has written for the endangered species of dead-tree magazines like SPIN and Plenty, as well as Radar Online and other websites. She lives in exile in Baton Rouge with her fiance, two dogs, and her former cat. Read her personal blogs at ColleenKane.com.

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