We here at Scanner are in no way medical professionals. So why in the world would we seek medical advice from others who are? Instead, we like to ask our friends what's up. That's right, we asked a boy who has no medical training whatsoever to break down female birth control for us, because that's how we roll. Okay, really, we are always interested in getting different perspectives on things and when Andy started opining about birth control one night, we thought it would make for an interesting post. But you know, before taking any of this advice in pill or shot or patch or plastic form, consult a medical professional first, please and thank you.
Hello Readers. While I'm new to this blogging thing, I've had a slew of relationships, and like most people I hate condoms and eschew them whenever I get into a long-term relationship. Needless to say, I've learned a bit about birth control in my 31 years. And over a beer, while helping Scanner Emily pack up her shit for a long move (and somewhat relentlessly hitting on her [Ed note: I liked it]), I got into a discussion about my own preferences in birth control devices. Out of said conversation came the idea to post these preferences, just to see if any of you agree or disagree. I preface these by saying that if you aren't in a mutually exclusive thang, and you aren't wearing a condom when you have sex with any one of your anonymous partners, well that's just fucking retarded. But if you are, read on.
The Pill
First, which pill? There seem to be a million now, with cute names like Yazz and shit like that. But my experience has been uniform with the pill, which is to say I've learned to expect the unexpected. Some women are entirely unaffected; some turn into a post-apocalyptic fascist state. And speaking of Yazz and mood alterations, don't trust commercials, ever. The good folks at Bayer and their DTC (direct to consumer) marketers have made a point of suggesting that their pill reduces PMS symptoms (remember the conservatively dressed, thin women kicking words like "irritability" while listening to a vomitously chick-pop version of Quiet Riot's "We're Not Gonna Take It?"). Well, the FDA made them pull the ads for BLATANTLY LYING TO AMERICA. The drug was approved for mildly alleviating some symptoms associated with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), classified as a psychological disorder whose side effects include "severe depression" and "extreme, persistent anger." PMDD is a serious condition affecting only 2-10% of menstruating women; PMS is very, very common. My friends think I get it sometimes, and I have a penis. Anyhow, by the time the ad was pulled, millions of women had already seen it and gone to their doctor thinking that Yazz would get rid of their PMS. Hell, I tried to get a prescription for it; those chicks in the commercial looked so empowered, kicking things in pant suits.
So be careful; the truth of the matter is, PMS is a fact of life for many women, and nothing to be ashamed of or try to hide from. In my house growing up, it meant that for two days a month I was to bring my mother and sister a box of chocolate, head to my bedroom, and shut the fuck up. And I was a kid; if I can figure that shit out at age 8, the men in your life can certainly do the same. So according to me and the FDA, don't take birth control pills to alleviate the symptoms of PMS; in my experience you're replacing one hormonally charged mood swing with another. Instead, take birth control pills because you want to have unprotected sex all the time (in a monogamous relationship), occasionally in weird positions, with a guy whose penis you enjoy. That said, from our side, the pill is easy. You're the one who has to take it, and remember to take it. We rarely see you take it, and being men, are not going to remind you to take it, and so it requires a significant amount of responsibility on your part, and trust on ours. This can create the kind of Oedipal relationship the Freudians would have a field day with.
The Diaphragm
No hormones involved, I can understand how women would certainly want that. However, this stupid little rubber thing ruined my last long term relationship, and has for countless others completely removed all spontenaiety from the sexual act. No more pulling over on the side of a highway in the afternoon to nail each other by a road median; no more throwing each other into stairwells during parties, or quickies in restaurant bathroom stalls. Even in the comforts of your own bedroom, sex suddenly requires forethought, and putting something obtrusive and jelly filled inside you. Yeah, yeah, a real loving relationship is about more than sex, right. But if you can't accept that sex is a big part of it, then why are you going on birth control in the first place?
Wow, that was cathartic. Moving on...
The Nuva Ring
This thing is wonderful; that is, until you need to use your vagina. The "small, unobtrusive plastic ring" is indeed obtrusive; when I'm inside a vagina, I like to be the only one inside it. Two's a crowd. Still, it makes for an interesting game of "Operation," trying to hook your finger or tongue around the thing and pull it out without taking her out of the moment. If accomplished, it can be removed for upwards of 3 hours, no harm done. So you have plenty of time to get back into it, if your skills at Operaton are not quite acute.
Depo-Provera
This is the creepiest form of birth control ever. My college girlfriend used it. Psychologically, I didn't notice any changes, but then again, she was always batshit crazy anyway. Physiolgically, you get a shot, once every three months, and then your body literally stops menstruating. The lining of your uterus becomes an unfriendly place for egg cells, your cervical mucus thickens (which is a strange phenomenon for those of us who enjoy going down on a woman first thing in the morning), you lose bone density, and overall, your body simply stops having a period. If you can deal with that, I say go for it; it is by far the most convenient form for women who, like me, are prone to forgetting things. But if you hate needles, or you see something weirdly unnatural about not menstruating anymore, well, I'd say go with something else.
The Patch
You put a patch somewhere on your body, and it delivers your hormones for you throughout the month. The hormone level is slightly below that of the pill, but higher than the Nuva Ring, so you get somewhere in between on the emotional effects. It also looks like you're trying to quit smoking if you go to the beach, but hey, that's noble enough these days. And one time it got caught in the bed sheets and tore off, which ruined a perfectly good moment. But apart from those small issues, I'd say this one is the winner.
Please feel free to respond with any of your own birth control tales, or to mention any of the ones I might have missed. For example, I didn't mention the IUD—never had a girlfriend who used one, and honestly, I don't really have an opinion about it. —Andy