Our resident stripper, Jocelyn Testes-Harder has been MIA for several months. She hasn't been at Charlie's, the downtown Richmond, Virginia club where the sometime office manager moonlights under the name, well, Jocelyn. We haven't seen her around the county dump either, although they just got in some new kids toys leftover from a fire sale.
Her neighbors haven't seen her around-- and we even checked with that guy with the night vision camera and binoculars. So, we'll have to make do with her last transmission to us, which was about her lazy, no-good, long-suffering fiancee and the joys of American patriotism mixed with cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...
Q. Jocelyn, Joceyln... can you hear me?
A. Yeah... I don't know what it is about the sight of a man doing nothing that just makes my blood boil!
Q. I hear ya.
A. I know Phil works hard, and I respect that. But that don't mean he's gotta sit on ass and watch football every Sunday when I've got other things in mind that he could be doing. Of course I realize that Phil needs to relax sometimes. That's what sleep is for!
Q. Don't you think you're being harsh? I mean, you guys aren't even married yet and already you're bustin' balls?
A. I guess he doesn't get the fact that our life together started the minute he proposed. He seems to think that just because we're not living together yet he can still spend hours at his own house, doing his own thing. He already knows that as soon as he buys our new house I'm going to rent out my townhouse, but he hasn't even bothered to post it on Craigslist for me! I can't wait until we're living in a nice planned development, and I've got Phil under my thumb where he belongs. All doubt will be removed because I'll be able to plan his day for him, and adjust the schedule thoughout the day. He won't have to worry about pissing me off any more, because I'll make sure that he's always doing the right thing. Then we'll both be happy!
Q. Okay, we can see how your life is going to change as a married woman again. But how will your life change under our new President?
A. It's time to roll up our sleeves, slip on our stretchy "USA" sweat wristbands, and get back to work on this little project we call America. It's time to clean all that dog snot off our cars' rear passenger windows. Define telemarketing as a form of terrorism. And lock the kids out of the house for the entire summer. If those brats get thirsty they can drink from the hose!)
Q. Okay, no need to shout. I can hear you just fine. Do you have any advice for drastic steps Obama can take to make a change in your life?
A. Take bold steps... like turn our backs on creamed corn... rename "French fries" as "Early stroke fries". Legalize THC to maximize our paranoia level. Wear a thong to church to be closer to God. And deliberately mess with Texas, after having been repeatedly warned.
Q. Have you been following the Prop 8 debacle in C--
A. It's time to develop a genre of gay rap music. Help the homeless, or admit that we can't, and execute them. Win the race to develop the world's first scabies-proof mattress.
Q. Is Bill O'Reilly and Fox News the greatest threat to our general sanity?
A. We need to capture Bill O'Reilly alive, and seal him inside of an unventilated see-through coffin. Then we're gonna have a Pabst. And it's gonna be good....
[transmission cut]
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