After three days of trying, I finally made it to South by Southwest Interactive. While I'm here I get to sit in on some great panels and discussions about geeks, love and geek love. On today's schedule a conversation about the sex lives of the microfamous (think Julia Allison... who is here, I wonder if she'll make an appearance). I've been Twittering most of my adventures and misadventures in Austin, but I figure this one is worth live blogging. From the description:
What kind of person talks about their sex and dating life on the internet? Someone desperate for attention? Or someone who already has lots of it? For the microfamous, having a relationship in public is as much a potential career boost as it as a vulnerability.
So far, in these discussions I've felt like it's been me against the room (including one where people thought bloggers have every right to be anonymous). For this one I'll talk less and blog more, but I must apologize in advance: our painfully slow server can take up to fifteen minutes to update, so until the end of the discussion, the posts will be sporadic at best.
4:30 EST
Nick Douglass (moderator and director of BuzzFeed) introducing himself. People who never thought they'd be blogging their personal lives were sharing lots of personal details on Facebook and Twitter, moving away from live blog.
Talk about how people deal with having relationships and a sex life when everyone can see a running feed of what you're doing. How do people handle seeing your relationships play out in real time.
4:35
First topic open to the room: talking about pictures with other people. When they show up on Flickr or Facebook, do people ask you about it? Who were you with?
4:36
Melissa Gira Grant (co-moderator, Nick's girlfriend, apparently) "refreshing the page is not going to give me any answers." Pick up the phone.
4:38
How many people have unfriended an ex? I told my story! I deleted my ex from all of my social networking lists, and rejected his friend request a year later. I'm not the only one.
4:48
As a blogger, or public person, do you talk to the person you're seeing or about to see about how much of your personal live(s) will end up on the blog? For me (Scanner Emily) it's hard, but I try only to mention antecdotes in passing if they relate to a story I'm writing (e.g. I once dated a guy who wouldn't go down on me, blah, blah).
4:43
Author of The Man Plan: Drive Men Wild, Not Away talking about her personal experience, being transparent about a few things, not all.
4:45
Nick says bloggers (even Gawker) might not always be so cruel to the Microfamous, but the commenters are. (So are some of you Scanner commenters!)
4:46
Man points out more revelation done in the comments than on the actual websites.
4:47
Melissa says she made a vow to not look at comments for the first two weeks when she started writing at Valleywag. I (Scanner Emily) almost cried the first few weeks I was at Scanner. Man, you guys hated me! She points out that as a woman writing about sex, people will sexualize her. Also, I'm confused. She talked about coming out, being queer, but I thought she was with Nick. Maybe not?
4:50
Woman says if you put yourself in public, that's the rules of the game. People will comment and say mean things. There's nothing you can do. Melissa says there is: call them on it. Another woman asks if writers/bloggers have a tendency to write about their relationships and people they interact with. (Yes, we do. Though some of us try to be discreet.) She points out that because of Google she feels blocked. She has a No-Google policy when she first starts dating someone: I won't google you, don't google me. I (Scanner Emily) do that with people I start dating, too. Especially if I meet them online. But, she says she told someone "I could tell you this story, but why don't you go read about it on my blog?"
4:45
Woman with awesome pink hair says that people who come to see her (in unnamed public format) leave horrible comments about her. Digital format into her real life. She chooses not to read them because they're terrible. See commeters, words can hurt us!
4:55
Woman says by default she does not blog the name of the person she's seeing. Duh. I never would either. Guy she's seeing not okay with pictures either. Totally understandable. She says we take pictures and tag them in media world, that's what we do to be nice to each other here (SXSWi, media world at large) but people not in media don't see it that way.
4:57
We're talking about writing about lovers. One woman says it's a tool for telling the story about who you are. I (Scanner Emily) think it's fine as long as you aren't specific (or, well, if the person will never read it... bearded bartender dad).
4:59
Woman asks, what about the microfame component? People who write about themselves and their sex lives to reach a level of notoriety? Turn it into job opportunities, traffic, etc.
5:02
Melissa wants to talk about "leveraging who you fuck to get ahead." Woman who works in music industry says if she sleeps with someone at work she becomes "that girl." She says Facebook is great for making things private but it takes a lot of time.
5:04
One sex blogger said to her lover "your name on my blog will be Johanna." Another woman asks if this is negotiating a contract. Melissa says if she gets written about on a dating sex blog, she wants a linkback. So many different levels of privacy, and everybody wants a different one. So hard to navigate.
5:05
Guy brings up we're publishing everything so we'll live forever on the Internet. I (Scanner Emily) wonder if my grandkids will read my Twitter feed someday? Or Scanner? Never thought about that.
5:06
Melissa says it's impossible to put your whole life on the internet. She says a lot but there's a lot she doesn't say. (Me, too). I brought up finding my grandmother's letter about losing her virginity. It will be on such a larger scale when we're dead. Our kids and grandkids and great grandkids will know everything!
5:09
Older man (oops David Carr, thanks Rachel Sklar) points out, "historically, there is nothing kids find less interesting than their parents' sex life."
5:12
Woman who works in TV doesn't believe in monogamy, wonders how much she has to be transparent about those things... Wonders if her sex life will be shocking or will it help her to control it later on down the road?
5:14
Rachel Sklar says when you add a public element, and things aren't going well, you self edit, you add a PR element. Ha. We're our own relationship spin doctors. How does this affect the relationship, though?
5:17
Woman asks if Tweeters worry about stalkers? I think if you're worried about that you should lock your Twitter or not blog specifics of where you're going. Again, it's the different privacy levels thing. I only Tweet my location at SXSW so my friends here can find me here. But when I was in New York? No way. If I have a stalker and he wants to make his way to Austin and buy a badge to find me in meeting room 5, I at least owe him a handshake and a smile, right? Okay, not really but you know what I'm saying.
5:23
Melissa says it's an ongoing process of curating what's on the web about us. Amen.
5:24
How many of us are happy with our top result on Google? I'm okay with mine, but I bet it won't stay there forever. Nick points out you need your side of the story showing up. Try to get it up to the top. Luckily, my site(s) show up first most of the time/so far. But it will probably change someday.
5:25
Woman from How Not to Get Fucked as a Blogger discussion talking about how she was outed after she wrote a book based on her sex blog. All anonymous (until she was outed of course). She believes bloggers should be anonymous. I do not. Maybe I'll write about it at length later. She says be careful what you say but try to have power in other mediums so you can have some control over what's out there about you. She has dealt with the British press, though. Apparently those guys and gals are first-class fuckers.
5:28
Two minutes to the end of the panel and "doucebag" is finally used. Thanks, Rachel Sklar.
5:29
Guy warns about updating FB relationship status. I took all alerts off of mine. And it does not say my relationship status. Won't. Don't want to do that to myself or anyone else. Ever.
5:30
Melissa points out tools that seem inoffensive make us share more and more of our lives. And that everybody is blogging about sex, whether we're doing it intentionally or not. Of course, it's all we think about. Well for me sex and food. And shoes. And how broke I am. But still. Closing words "be brave, take up space and let the douchebags look like the douchebags they are."
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