Forgive us for an Easter Bunny photo so frightening, your future grandchild will be traumatized in perpetuity. We were forced to show it due to the seriousness of this situation, in order to draw your attention, much as Strollerderby dramatically alerted us, to What Is REALLY Happening Here In US Americans. Sunday is Easter Bunny Hunting Day, and there will be eggs in your yard, eggs in your trees, eggs in your pants. But did you know these eggs are really... Satan's schweddy balls?
Thank Christ Landover Baptist is on the case and we have their full, dramatic warning for you here...
Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? is a Christian Bible-based tome that “teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility.”
"Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil," Daniel Cameroon, the writer of the book declares. "Pagan kids didn't have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh. You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan. And since they didn't have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint.” He continues to state, "But the reason they chose eggs had nothing to do with any sort of fertility or fertilizers (as some misguided Christian historians would have you believe). Nope, it was because of Lucifer's testicles! Glory to God!”
Strollerderby actually has the damn gall to ask if their readers think Louis Safer's nutsack has been inexpertly hidden in their yards by Hungover Dad. Listen up, SunnyChanel-- if that's your Christian name-- these eggs are indeed the work of the devil. Nothing this delicious could be good for America's decent folk. Leave them in my yard and I will take care of those chocolate salty balls. Amen.
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