Hey New York ladies, any of y'all ever let Paul Janka "force you to your knees" and "encase" his "semi-erect cock" "with your hungry lips..."? You know, Paul Janka, that hunk who was on the Today Show last Monday describing how he dispenses with those old chestnuts like buying gals dinner and gets straight to the part where after they're allowed to drunkenly blow him, he gets to put his weenie in their coochie (for which they get a checkmark in his spreadsheet of conquests) or their bunghole (which puts the "X" in Excel -- w00t!).
Seriously, if any of y'all ladies have let Paul Janka stick it to ya, we're not judging you. We have plenty of gal pals who would at least consider banging this guy once or twice, and we totally understand the appeal. He ain't bad looking, and if this were an SAT problem, "Paul Janka" would be to "Actual Dating" as "Amazon.com" is to "Actual Christmas Shopping," which I think right now we all can admit doesn't sound so bad. Also, we sorta love that part of this guy's strategy for getting girls' clothes off involves Looney Tunes: partially because Looney Tunes are awesome, but mostly because it means that all the kids who are basically audtioning for a job in the Gawker comments get to have at 'em (which is why we're bringing him up in the first place, honestly). Our favorite: MisterHippity with "When this guy orgasms about 45 seconds after penetration, he shouts out: 'That's all, folks!'" Zing! Seriously, there's some funny stuff in there, check it out.
Oh, guess we've got to get some credits out of the way here: Links via Radar, Jezebel, and Gawker (obvs); image from Jezebel's clip of the Today Show. "Coochie" and "bunghole" we cribbed from Beavis and Butthead, "w00t" is from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary's Word of the Year, and all that gross stuff about getting permission to give head to a skeevy, self-promoting douchebag trying a year late to ride the coattails of The Game is from, um, that douchebag's trademarked form seduction e-mail.