The Top Five Voyeuristic Sex Scenes
12/20/2007 5:00:00 PM
Wow, I can't, um, believe that Sharon Stone was available to do "Basic Instinct 2." ...Stay tuned for "Basic Instinct 3: Adventures in Menopause"! Anyway, the problem with the "Basic Instinct" movies, as far as I can see, is that they try to make sex "extreme." In my humble opinion, sex is pretty "extreme" as it is, and doesn't really need any further improvement, thanks. See, if you go all out in trying to make sex extreme, they pretty soon you're doing it while riding a motorcycle or inside a collapsing dam or with a tribal African voodoo guy like in this clip, and I'm not totally convinced that any of these things are any sexier than plain old regular sex. But then, my name isn't "Joe Eszterhas."
Anyway, it's a movie, there's some voyeurism going on. The guy watching Sharon Stone having sex seems unconvinced as to whether he's going to have an orgasm or throw up in his own mouth, which I guess is the way we all feel sometimes. By the way, "Basic Instinct 2" (full title, "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction") has been rated the 70th worst movie of all time by www.rottentomatoes.com. It was only in the theaters for 17 days. Though apparently one reason for the movie's crappy performance was that it, quote, "faced a lot of competition with 'Ice Age: The Meltdown' opening on the same weekend." And Sharon Stone does actually want to make a third movie. See, I love factoids like these. This is the whole reason that the internet was invented.
It's hard to get much more voyeuristic than a giant, wrathful, looming monster eye. That's pretty much voyeurism to the nth degree. Major bonus points for the crappy digital effects. And for the snake. ...And also some bonus points for the fact that the girl seems like a jerk. I hope the Eye gets her.
Hot French girl, couch, disco music... there. That's much better. I really feel like voyeurism is one of those things that happens a lot in the movies but not so much in real life. I've had a couple of chances to witness other people having sex in real life, and in all of those situations, I've been out the door in 0.8 seconds. ...And hey -- look at the indescribably pissed-off expression on the face of the older French lady! Man, she looks like she's just had to sit through an entire viewing of "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction". Yes, the Sharon Stone jokes keep coming fast and furious here at hooksexup.com.
A nice thing happened with this movie. I was flipping randomly through cable channels, and I clicked over to this movie, and then this exact scene came on. I watched it, saw Jennifer Connelly being all naked and come-hithery, and then the scene was over and I could go watch something else. Yeah, I could have watched the rest of it, but there was basketball or something else on. And anyway, I had already seen the best part of the movie! This is sort of the reverse of what usually happens to me in bookstores... where I open a book, read a good paragraph, think the rest of it is to be great, and then find out when I get home that I've randomly read the only good part of the book already. Sort of.
Bonus fun fact about Jennifer Connelly: her mother made her and her sisters all get breast implants when they turned 18. I have no idea why I know this, but I do. I guess this would be the equivalent of my dad injecting me and my brothers with steroids as soon as we left high school. And that's creepy. Anyway, that's just another bonus factoid from your friends at Hooksexup and the SSDB.
I know, I know, I'm sort of breaking the rules here. But for me, there are only two types of voyeurism that really work: looking in the mirror voyeurism, and self-voyeurism. And here we have an example of each: seeing yourself while doing it in an overhead mirror, and reflecting upon having sex later on.
Having sex with someone while staring in a mirror is always an interesting experience, because people instantly break down into one of two types: 1) People who are somewhat embarrassed. 2) People who simply cannot stop looking at themselves. ...I don't know what this says about the partner, but it definitely says something.
As for the second type of voyeurism, represented by "Pillow Book": Memoria praeteritorum bonorum, or "remembering past good things," well, that's probably the best type of voyeurism of all. I'll be honest, sometimes I enjoy reflecting upon having sex with someone more than I really enjoyed the actual act at the time. Memory is perfect; real sex, on the other hand, often involves painfully bashing your head against a headboard or the complex shifting of weight. There's nothing wrong with these things, but sometimes it's pleasant to elide them.
I know that this is probably more SAT words, Latin, and philosophical reflection that you expected from a "Best of 5" sex list... but what can I say? I've got to make my graduate degree pay off somehow.
And so, until we meet again. Ave atque vale!
— Oliver
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15374#15374 |
A few of my favorite things...
12/20/2007 4:43:26 PM
 |
I think as Christmas season as being the time to give thanks. Yeah, I know, Thanksgiving is more properly that time, but I'll be honest -- I've never given a flying fuck about Thanksgiving. Wow. We get to eat a big huge meal. Big whoop. I generally only eat once a day anyway, so the prospect of having to eat even more than that has never appealed to me that much. Food bores me; it really does. I'm always stunned by people who can manage to eat three meals in a day. How do you ever have time to do anything else? By the time you're done breakfast, lunch, and dinner, it's gotta be almost time for bed, am I right?
Anyway, how did I go off on that tangent? ...So, um, one of the things that I am thankful for are old cartoons. I did a YouTube search for them today, and I found all of my old favorites. (With the exception of the one about the two dogs who perform on vaudeville and who fall in love, and who spend the whole cartoon shouting "John!" and "Marsha!" at each other. If you ever find that one, please let me know.)
So here are some of my favorites. Yeah, Bugs and Daffy are always good, but some of my favorite cartoons were the one-offs, the more anonymous characters who never quite found a home in our hearts. And here they all are: Droopy, Marc Antony and Pussyfoot, Claude Cat, anonymous fox, anonymous squirrel, world's smallest horse...
One thing that struck me, rewatching all these cartoons, was that they're all about perseverence; each and every one of them. Maybe that's because they were made in the 1930s and 40s; an era when Americans had to overcome a Great Depression and a World War. But look at these cartoons; they're all about striving, they're all about not giving up. Marc Antony will always try to love Pussyfoot, Droopy will always defend his sheep, that squirrel will never stop trying to crack open that coconut.
Anyway, that's enough out of me. Here's some cartoons:
1) Droopy in "Sheep Wrecked"
Twenty years later, I still remember the sound of the sheep crunching their way through everything, them eating the moon, and also the bizarre southern wolf with the Civil War hat. And Droopy... what a great character; he's got like manic depression or bipolar disorder or something. Awesome.
(Update: Goddamn it! This isn't the right cartoon! What's the one where the sheep eat everything? Okay, I admit it; I don't actually watch all the videos before I post them. But you, you blog readers -- someone let me know when I make mistakes like this.)
2) Marc Antony and Pussyfoot in "Feed the Kitty"
That poor, long-suffering bulldog. The sight of the kitty literally ripping the flesh off his back was always a little traumatic for me.
3) Anonymous Fox in "Fox Pop"
I've been looking for this cartoon for years. I loved this fox, and talk about perseverence; he just keeps on going, even though what he's actually doing is trying to get himself killed and skinned alive. I always loved his belief that human beings just really really liked foxes and wanted to hang out with them.
4) Claude Cat in "Chow Hound"
"Don't forget the gravy!" Ah, good times. And Claude Cat does finally have his terrible, and somewhat disgusting revenge at the end.
6) Barney Bear in "Half-Pint Palomino"
My best friend Tiffany will have a heart attack when she sees this cartoon. She's been talking about it for years. "You think I'm small? You should see my brother!"
(Update: Okay, once again, I didn't have time to watch this cartoon until later on. So that isn't actually the ending dialogue from the cartoon. That's what Tiffany told me the ending dialogue was. ...Some might use this an occasion to reflect, in a Proustian sense, about how unreliable memory truly is. I, on the other hand, an simply impressed that my dumb-ass friend told me about this cartoon so many times while still getting the ending wrong.)
7) Anonymous Squirrel in "Much Ado About Nutting"
Another cartoon that it took me years to find. I finally remembered that it was a fucking coconut that he was trying to crack, and so I typed "squirrel coconut" into Google. Found it in seconds. Notice, by the way, that there's not a single word of dialogue in this whole cartoon. And yet it's still awesome. That's impressive.
--Oliver
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15373#15373
|
Glow cats, glow...
12/20/2007 1:14:26 PM
I feel old. Was it just yesterday that I was ranting about vintage T-shirts like some 89 year-old hipster? I promise not to do that again. I really don't want to turn into this generation's Andy Rooney.
Still, I feel it's hard for me to keep track of all the new trends and new things and new developments, sometimes. Is Britney getting married again? Is she pregnant? Is her 16 year-old sister really pregnant? Why haven't we heard from Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan lately? Are they dead? What the hell is going on?
I can't keep track of these things, because I'm busy paying attention to the most important scientific development of our time: Glow cats. Yeah, you heard me:
You wacky South Koreans! Question: if you were a CNN anchor, would you look forward to getting to do wacky puff pieces about glow cats... or would you more be visualizing that nice bottle of bourbon and vial of Xanax that you keep waiting for you in your dressing room?
So let's examine this glow cat phenomonon seriously, from a pro-and-con vantagepoint:
PRO
1) If you had a cloned glow cat, it would probably keep you from stepping on your cat in the dark as you're going to the bathroom at night, and having your foot shredded by a suddenly venegeful tumbleweed of claws and teeth. ...By the way, is there anything more awesome than the way that cats can instantly transform themselves from "placid" to "killer death shred"? There's always that moment where you're playing with your cat, and it's swiping jokingly at you with its paw, and then suddenly you're like, "Ow! No claws! HEY! NO TEETH! LET GO YOU MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT OW!!!"
CON
1) The only thing more annoying that having a cat draped over your TV, blocking the view, would be having a fucking glow-in-the-dark cat draped over your TV, blocking the view.
MAJOR CON
1) Science is bringing us inevitably closer and closer to the day when we truly fuck up and create:
a) An army of killer clones.
b) An army of killer robots.
c) An army of killer clone robots.
Sweet. I used to watch science fiction movies and think "that's retarded." Now I think, "I should watch these more carefully in case I actually do have to survive an actual mutuant virus or zombie attack."
So that's my summation of the glow cat/cloning phenomonon, thus far. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and start stockpiling bottled water and machine guns for the apocalypse now.
--Oliver
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15371#15371
|
Disturbing Modern Trends, Part Two
12/19/2007 3:45:27 PM
I don't usually post "Family Guy" excerpts... seems a little too easy to me, plus, once you start doing that, how do you ever stop?
Still, the below clip, of Stewie and Colin Farrell, just absolutely kills me, for some reason. Go ahead and watch it, and then we'll chat:
...Colin Farrell is himself a disturbing, or disquieting, modern trend. But since I ranted about the decline of the mix-tape in my previous blog, I'd like to take a second to rant about an even more disturbing trend; the rise of the fake "vintage" or "distressed" T-shirt, such as the one worn by Colin Farrell in the above clip, and in real life.
The first time I saw one of these shirts, in -- oh, let's say, Urban Outfitters, a few years back, I literally rubbed my eyes in disbelief. I laughed. No one would ever buy those. ...Flash forward five years and everyone buys them. Thanks for that, Urban Outfitters. My wardrobe used to consist entirely of weird thrift store T-shirts with bizarre slogans on them (my favorite; my vintage "Wizards of Wor" pinball game T-shirt), or of T-shirts of bizarre places that I had visited (it was a tie for best shirt between my "Pennsylvania is for Intercourse" shirt, and my multicolored "Bienvenue a Quebec!" shirt.)
I can't wear these shirts anymore. I threw them all out, or retired them, and replaced them with plain T-shirts. Why? Because they looked fake. Wearing them made me look like a moron who bought the trend o' the month from "Hot Topic".
Now, I realize that this is an entirely pointless, self-absorbed, and hipsterish rant. But here's my question: why do people wear these fake "old" T-shirts? Are old things inherently hilarious and/or cool? How do people decide what vintage things to wear? Is a vintage "Sprite" shirt better than a vintage "Coke" shirt, because it's more obscure? Is a fake "The Fall Guy" shirt better than a fake "A-Team" shirt? Or is the a line of obscurity than you can cross where no one will actually "get" the thing that you are referencing? Or are people buying these things by picking actual vintage things that they actually like? If so, how are people deciding what they like? If you're 13 years old and wearing a "Styx" T-shirt, have you actually heard their music? Or are you merely comprehending the reference: bad semi-obscure 70s band = funny/cool/hip?
I want to know the answers to these things. And I mourn the lost of the actual real vintage T-shirt. A vintage T-shirt at one point, was an investment. It meant you have spent hours leafing through racks at the Salvation Army, or combing through obscure piles of crap at a flea market on the bad side of town. The reason that I loved them was that they were rare -- and incidentally, cheap. Five dollars at my favorite thrift store of all time -- the monolithically massive "Value Village" in Annapolis, MD -- could buy you ten T-shirts. Now, they all cost twenty-eight dollars, and can be purchased in half a second, on the racks at your local mall.
And so, farewell, real vintage T-shirts! Farewell, o ripped jeans that weren't pre-ripped! And hello, new fake "old" shirts and jeans. You are a disturbing modern trend, and you are reason enough to blast Colin Farrell and his ilk into oblivion, preferably with a laser beam.
--Oliver
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15362#15362
|
family matters
12/18/2007 2:38:27 PM
...Hey! So it's Christmas time; the time of year when we go home and are reminded that our family members are probably superior to us. So, on an unrelated note, do you know who painted the above painting? That'd be my dad. Motherfucking overly talented family members!
Here's a piece of art by me, though, to show you that I've still got skills. It's a, um, bunny:
 |
My mom's a professor and a writer, my grandfather's a famous historian, my cousin is 23 and runs some museum in London and was named to the All-England cricket team... and I write a blog that makes jokes about Maggie Gyleenhaal, whose name I can't even spell correctly. Still, we all do the best that we can, do we not? And I'll have some exciting news in this blog at some point that will make you think slightly better of me.
...In the meantime, I've been thinking a lot about fathers and sons, for reasons that I'd just as soon not get into, right now. But that painting above was my Christmas present. Pretty awesome, no? And so, I've been thinking about my dad, and also, obsessively watching the following two below videos, both from "Superman Returns":
"...The son becomes the father, and the father, the son." "Even though you've been raised as a human being, you are not one of them." That's some heavy shit, no? ...And isn't this how we kind of all feel, in a way? As though we've all come from some distant planet, and we're still waiting, still learning, about who our true parents are, and what our true purpose is? Or is that maybe too profound? ...Anyway. I'll discuss later on at some point what this all means to me. And I'm sorry for being so oblique here. In the meantime, let's all give some love to our family members and be grateful for them, even if they are irritatingly better at painting and drawing than we are.
--Oliver
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15354#15354
|
Mix-Tape!
12/18/2007 12:19:39 PM
 |
...What do you do when you're an improvished student/blogger and you can't really afford to buy people Christmas presents? You make everyone a mix-tape, of course! And below is mine.
(By the way, and I know this has been discussed before, but has anything ever been ruined by the advent of techology so much as the mix-tape? Of course, I'm not really making mix-tapes this year, I'm burning CDs. The only advantage of CDs is that you get to create cool artwork for the covers. But man, I was the motherfucking master of making mix-tapes. The nice thing about the mix-tape was, you knew it took someone four hours to make one. You had to listen to all the songs, then arrange them, and it took as much time to copy as to listen, and then, inevitably, your last song went over the time limit, so you had to start the whole thing over from the beginning, and make the hard choice of which single song that you wanted to excise... All gone, long gone now. Ubi sunt qui mix tapes fuerent? Where are the mix-tapes of yesteryear? Now you can do the whole thing in twenty minutes, and the computer lets you know if you've exceeded your song limit. Ah, well...)
____________________________________________________________
OLIVER'S XMAS MIX-TAPE 2007
(Some songs are out of date, because I'm no longer as cool and "in touch" with the music as I once was, if indeed I ever was.)
1) Feist -- "1234"
2) International Noise Conspiracy -- "Smash It Up" -- (this is a terrible video for this song, sorry! but the band is a bunch of anarchists from Norway, so, um...)
3) Angie Aparo -- "Spaceship" -- (another, even worse video. I think this one was made in like 1999. all the rest of the videos are good, though, promise!)
4) Kanye West -- "Touch the Sky"
5) Artic Monkeys -- "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor"
6) The Cardigans -- "I Need Some Fine Wine And You, You Need to be Nicer"
7) Metric -- "Combat Baby"
8) The New Pornographers -- "The Bleeding Heart Show"
9) Death Cab for Cutie -- "The Sound of Settling"
10) Badly Drawn Boy -- "You Were Right"
11) Feist -- "Mushaboom"
12) Stars -- "The Night Starts Here"
13) The New Pornographers -- "Use It"
14) Cheap Trick -- "Surrender"
15) Asia -- "Heat of the Moment"
16) Kanye West -- "Jesus Walks"
17) Buggles -- "Video Killed the Radio Star"
18) Ben Folds -- "Bitches Ain't Shit"
19) Ash -- "A Life Less Ordinary"
20) Freelance Hellraiser -- "A Stroke of Genius"
--Oliver
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15353#15353
|
Prepare yourselves...
12/17/2007 3:26:26 PM
...For the greatest movie ever made in the history of the world. Do I exaggerate? I do not exaggerate.
Christian Bale was born to play Batman. And Heath Ledger, apparently, was born to play the Joker. I'll be honest; I didn't see that one coming. But he does a great job in the trailer. And we've also made a major, major upgrade in the chick department by switching out Katie Holmes for Maggie Gyllenhaal. Good call!
By the way, "Gyllenhaal" has now set the world record for "word that I've had to look up the correct spelling of the most times since I started writing a daily blog about popular culture." So congrats to you, Jake and Maggie. Honestly, I'm so sick of looking it up, I just typed "maggie gyllhall" into Google, and it came up with the correct spelling for me. You are awesome, Google!
And the other thing that's awesome is the upcoming "Dark Knight" film. Start your countdown now. Only six more months to go...
--Oliver
 |
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15344#15344
|
The Professor Brothers
12/17/2007 12:35:17 PM
As a non-observant Jew, certain facts about my religion come as a major surprise to me. For instance: the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. It's a big story in the Bible, we get the word "sodomy" from it, for instance, and yet I knew nothing about it. ...And then I watched the following clip from www.superdeluxe.com...
...And I was like, "Ha. That's funny." And then I actually went and looked up the real story, from Genesis 19. And that's the actual real story. Jesus Motherfucking Christ!
Anyway, the moral: The Professor Brothers are funny, and I don't know much about the Bible.
And here, as a bonus, is their song about JFK. Trust me when I say that it's good stuff:
--Oliver
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15342#15342
|
The Top Five Artistic Sex Scenes
12/13/2007 6:55:00 PM
The potential sexiness of this scene is undercut, for me, by the fact that I saw this movie for the first time with my dad, when I was thirteen. Not a sexy memory. But hey! It's Malcolm McDowell! And he's fucking two girls in sped-up motion! The cool thing about Malcolm McDowell is that he did one of the best acting jobs in history in this movie... and then, twenty-five years later, he starred in Tank Girl with Lori Petty and Ice-T. Good times. And hey, why is this movie called A Clockwork Orange, anyway? Try and figure that one out. There'll be a quiz later. I'm not joking. No, actually I am joking. But there is a reason. Try and figure it out.
Nicholas Cage back when he was cool. This movie gave me nightmares after I saw it for the first time. Bonus points to Nick Cage for having the world's most bad-ass snakeskin jacket in this movie. And double bonus points for the fact that his character's name is "Sailor." That's cool. But subtract a million points for the end of this movie, which makes no sense whatsoever.
Am I the only one who ever liked this movie? I think I must be. Anyway, it stars Julie Delpy as a bank-teller by day, call-girl by night! Which sounds exhausting to me. Are bank-tellers really so underpaid that they must resort to selling sex for money? Maybe I'll ask about that the next time I go in to get a roll of quarters.
The only girl that I ever lived with was bisexual, and a stripper, and she had an insane crush on Helena Bonham Carter. In fact, she made enormous posters of Helena from black and white photographs and plastered them all around our apartment. So for two years, I went to bed, and had sex... under a six-foot blow-up photograph of Helena Bonham Carter's face. Which was a little disorienting, let me tell you. Still, this movie rocks. Question: does this scene count as a threesome, since Brad Pitt and Ed Norton are the same person? Think about that one for a while. Major bonus points for Helena's character having the funniest post-coital line in movie history: "My God... I haven't been fucked like that since grade school." Awesome.
This is the best movie ever made about bisexual narcoleptic gigolos who quote Shakespeare, and I defy you to contradict me on that point. Anyway, I really like the freeze-frame Kama Sutra bizarro thing that they do with sex in this movie. It's somehow sexier than actual sex. It's like, you're seeing sex, but it's also all being left up to the imagination. And I don't even have a problem with Keanu Reeves here. In fact, I like Keanu Reeves. I wish I was friends with him. I'd get him to say simple words over and over again. "Hey, Keanu, say 'spoon.'" "'Spoon.'" "Say 'whoa.'" "'Whoa.'" "Now, say 'awesome.'" "'Awesome.'" "Now say all three together real fast." "'Spoonwhoawesome.'" I feel like I could do that for hours every day.
Also receiving votes: Conversations with Other Women, Pillow Book, She's Gotta Have It.
— Oliver
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15330#15330 |
The Best of the Best of the Blog...
12/13/2007 1:53:10 PM
It's a little early for an end of the year extravanganza, but I did get an email from Hooksexup HQ the other day, asking for the best viral videos of the past year. So here they are, in no particular real order.
1) Ben Folds -- Bitches Ain't Shit
Everything about this song and video kills me. The Scottish guy rapping kills me. The million-guitar solo at the end kills me. Ben Folds jumping off the platform to his death at the end kills me. It's a great video, and as far as I can determine, they're not even making fun of N.W.A. here. Instead, they're taking the N.W.A. song to a whole different level of profoundity and awesomeness. This is the viral video equivalent of Marcel Duchamp's urinal/fountain. Go ahead and watch it. Now.
2) "Solla Solla Enna Perumai" -- from the film 'Ellam Inba Mayam' (1981)
My ex-girlfriend Allie found this video for me, back in the day. Allie and I don't talk so much anymore, but she will always have a special place in my heart for locating this 1981 Bollywood clip of absolute awesomeness. And no, I have no idea what the phrase "Solla Solla Enna Perumai" means, nor do I know what the movie "Ellam Inba Mayan" is about, nor do I even really undestand what's happening in this video. Still, this clip is great, and it really requires no context. It will put a smile on your face and a song in your heart. Go ahead and watch it. Now.
3) Tales of Mere Existence -- "How I Found Out About Girls"
All of the "Tales of Mere Existence" films and cartoons are awesome, but this one is especially awesome. Princess Leia action figures, "National Geographic" magazine, playing doctor, "Monopoly"-based play dates. ...I think this is pretty much how we all learned about girls. I mean, I know that's how it went for me.
4) SNL Digital Short -- "Iran So Far Away"
Not only this is video hilarious (and topical!), but it's also kind of a good song. The funniest part? When Andy sings "...And your hairy butt. ...Yeah." Fantastic. And the Jake Gyllenhaal cameo is pretty good too.
5) SNL Digital Short -- "Laser Cats 2"
Two "best of" videos for Andy Samberg? What can I say? It's the year of Samberg. He's funny, he works hard, he deserves it. ...By the way, this video was almost impossible to find. "Saturday Night Live," if it's not too much trouble, could you please stop continually deleting your videos from YouTube? I know that you're trying to singlehandedly hold back the tide of history and block the free access of videos on the internet... but it's not going to work. Stop deleting your videos. It's not working. Give it up.
6) Jellyfish
It's a non-funny video! And it's a film of jellyfish at the Boston Aquarium, set to the Sigur Rós song "Starálfur." What can I say? It's beautiful. I love jellyfish and I love this song. This ain't rocket science, people.
--Oliver
coming next: more of the best of the best.
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15331#15331
|