The Hooksexup Video Blog: Deep, Deep Inside The World of Online Video

1) "Freddie Got Fingered," starring Tom Green. Trust me when I say that I did not have to agonize over picking the worst movie ever made. Please allow me to quote my old dating blog:


So there you go.





2) "Hello Again!" starring Shelley Long. I'll never know how I got roped into seeing this movie. I was pretty young at the time, and I think I didn't have total control over things like "What movies my family went to see." Anyway, if you've ever said to yourself: "Hey, remember Shelley Long's screechy, neurotic, unfunny character from 'Cheers'? Man, if only there was a two-hour movie version of that!" -- then this is the movie for you.





3) "Paycheck," starring Ben Affleck. This is an extremely new addition to the list, because I accidentally saw a half hour of it last weekend on "TBS." Wow. Okay, so, there's like this scene in the movie where Ben Affleck is being held captive in FBI headquarters, right? Are you with me so far? And he's surrounded by ten guys. So, the lead FBI guy, for no reason, lights a cigarette -- and this is the genius part -- he lights it directly beneath one of those fire-alarm sprinkler things. Even though this movie was made, like, two years ago, and no one has smoked a cigarette inside a federal building for the last twenty years. So, duh, the sprinkler goes off, and in the ensuing confusion, Ben Affleck escapes from his shackles, beats up ten FBI guys -- because they're all so startled by the water -- and escapes from the center of FBI headquarters.

This is the same level of thought that went into the entire movie. The movie, by the way, seems to involve time travel, and having your memory erased for three years, and it's one of those movies where even though Ben Affleck is just a "average joe" guy at the beginning, within five minutes he's completely adapted to the whole time travel, having his memory erased, being chased by FBI agents thing, and is making jokes and getting in car chases and beating people up. I can't even adapt to ordering something in a restaurant that quickly. Anyway, I'm sorry to talk about this movie for so long, but it was really bad.





4) "Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones," starring whiny Hayden Christiansen. Thank god, I've already beaten the badness of this movie to death in several other blogs. For example: here.







5) "The Real Cancun," starring a bunch of jerks. This was the equivalent of watching a two hour-long version of "The Real World," except that you had to pay money for the privilege. 'Nuff said. By the way, my going to see this movie was my friend Jeremy's fault.





6) "White Noise," starring Michael Keaton. ...And seeing this movie was my friend Tiffany's fault. It was one of those, "Hey, it's Friday night, we've got nothing to do, should we go and see a terrible movie or stay home and commit mass suicide?" kind of evenings. And so we saw this movie. It's a horror movie, it stars Michael Keaton, it makes no sense at all, and Michael Keaton dies at the end. I just intentionally spoiled the ending for you, so that you will never ever want to see it; which, trust me, you don't.





7) "The Thin Red Line," directed by "Captain Pretentious" -- Mr. Terrence Malick -- and starring Sean Penn and a lot of people doing pretentious voice-overs. This trailer features the one good line in the movie, said by the evil Sean Penn character: "...In this world, a man alone ain't nothin'. ...And there ain't no other world but this one." That's a good line, and Sean Penn does a good job of acting here. Everyone else does a bad job of acting.

I also hate this movie because it came out at the same time as "Saving Private Ryan," an actual really good movie about World War II (if you ignore the 'present day' scenes at the beginning and the end.) All my friends liked "The Thin Red Line," and hated "Saving Private Ryan," which drove me crazy. No, guys, no. This movie is terrible... It features five minute-long pointless shots of fish and trees, to show that it's deep. And it features voice-over narration like, "...Maybe there's just one big soul, and we're all a part of it." And the central message of this movie is, "War is bad, because people die." Thank you for pointing that out, Mr. Terrence Malick! Are you kidding me? Were my friends all stoned when they saw this? Anyway, I'm sorry to go on for so long, but I really hated this movie.





8) "The Matrix: Revolutions," starring, "Whoa. Dude. Spoon." I'm going to spoil this movie on purpose too, so that you'll never see it, although you've probably already seen it. Keanu Reeves dies at the end. And Trinity dies in the lamest, most pointless way possible. (Whoops! I fell on something! And it's sharp!) Keanu Reeves's character acquires magical powers for no reason halfway through the movie, and the directors never bother to explain why. This movie was so awful that it managed to make me sort of dislike the first "Matrix" movie, which up until that point, I had loved.





9) "Batman and Robin," starring the artist formerly known as George Clooney. Man, I bet George would like to erase this movie from his C.V., huh? ...Anyway, this movie features the line, "It's the hockey team from hell!" within the first three minutes. Also in the first three minutes: Batman and Robin (the Boy Wonder) fly into outer space for no particular reason, then float miles back to earth just using their capes, and land as if nothing had ever happened at all. Plausible-ish! And the movie doesn't get any better from there.

And also in the movie, the bad guy, Mr. Freeze, needs to raise a bunch of money in order to save his wife's life, and he has invented this amazing freeze ray. ...So, instead of -- I don't know, selling the freeze ray for a bunch of money and saving his wife, he decides to become a supervillain, and freezes the entire city. Oh. That makes sense. I mean, I know this isn't Shakespeare or nothin', but come on! That's just dumb.





10) "Contact," starring Jodie Foster, unfortunately. Let me put it this way. There's a scene in this movie where Jodie Foster is in a spaceship. And they give her a cyanide death-pill to take, in case something goes really wrong. As soon as she got the pill, my friend Tiffany and I started screaming -- "Just take the pill!" -- and we didn't stop screaming it for the next fifteen minutes, until the movie was over. No one else in the theater minded, because this movie is terrible. Oh, and the alien at the end? It's her dad.

--Oliver Miller

...So, speaking of the film "Meet the Spartans," as I did in my previous Britney blog, I don't really go to see movies so much anymore, because I no longer have a social life (my new cat keeps me plenty busy, thanks) ...but if I did go to see movies, I would run, not walk, to avoid "Meet the Spartans."

According to Slate's Josh Levin, quote, "This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a 'movie' and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film." Huh. Harsh words. But just from seeing the trailers, I agree:








...I think if I see these trailers even once more, I will spontaneously combust, or start bleeding out the ears, or something. ...So, it's, like, a comedy? ...And are those... jokes? How are those "jokes"? ...Aren't they just... references to... pop culture things? Spiderman! Donald Trump! You Got Served! Scarface! Penguin! Britney!

God, makers of "Meet the Spartans," I didn't realize that it was all so easy. From now on, I will write this column as follows:

"Lindsay Lohan!"

"Talk to the hand!"

"Living la Vida Loca!"

Um... "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome!"

"Degenerative Bone Disease!"

No. Those last two jokes were bad, right?

Anyway, in honor of "Meet the Spartans," I will be back later on with a list of the ten worst movies ever made. Because I love me some lists. But for the moment, I have to go to school, since I am, apparently, a "law student," in addition to being the writer of a "satirical video blog."

More later.

Well, early this morning, Britney Spears got hauled off again to the hospital by police, and... Hey! I won the gambling pool! I picked January 31st!

But no. That's not really funny. Or is it?

I was thinking about Britney, as I sometimes do, and I was thinking of those godawful "Meet the Spartans" commericals that show her getting kicked into a bottomless pit of death, and I was thinking that maybe I should write something else about her, so I typed "britney spartans" into the search engine on YouTube, and I got this following video, shot by some teenagers inside the movie, with all the queasy graininess, and unpleasantness, of a snuff film, or the latest Al Queda video:





Ha! She got kicked into the pit and now she's dead! And her baby too! That's funny! Or is it?

---

It's weird to me that there is such an outpouring of sympathy for, say, Heath Ledger, and none at all for Britney, who, despite everything else that you might say about her -- and I know that there's plenty, believe me -- is, after all, a twenty-seven year old single mother.

But then, Heath Ledger was "cool." For the most part. He was in good movies (for the most part), he dressed the right way, he said the right things. And then he died of a drug overdose, or suicide, depending on your point of view.

Britney, despite her panicked attempts to act cool, is "uncool." Her music sucks, she's from Louisiana (of all places!), she's dumb, she dresses badly, she's a bad mom, she's a drug addict. And she's probably going to end up dying of a drug overdose, or suicide, depending on your point of view.

Ha! That's funny! Hey, let's kick her down into a bottomless pit and watch her die!

---

The "Leave Britney Alone!" guy, for all of his insanity, had a point. (And no, I've never watched the video. There are some things that I won't do, not even for this job.) And yeah, his point was undercut by him being a completely insane celebrity obsessed wack-job. For sure. But leaving Britney alone? Might that not be, you know, kind of a good idea?

But of course, we're not going to leave her alone. We've never even considered leaving her alone. We'll follow her to the hospital -- and "E!" and "Star Magazine," will follow her wherever, to the grave, if need be. We'll follow her to her funeral, and shoot coverage of that, and do endless recaps, and follow her children around, and shoot made-for-TV movies about her life and death.

"But she was asking for it," you say. "She's rich and famous. She could have the world's best life, but instead she keeps on fucking up. God, give me some of that money. Give me some of that fame. Fucking Britney, that untalented wench, she doesn't deserve it."

Yeah. You're right, in a way. She doesn't deserve it. She shouldn't be rich or famous. But she was an uneducated seventeen year-old girl when she became famous. Do you think, maybe, that she didn't know what she was getting into? Do you think, maybe, that she wasn't ready for it?

Do you think maybe, that if she could do it all over again, she might give it all back?

---

Some books and films and stories have subtext, hidden meanings that you have to root out. The "Meet the Spartans" clip, above, as far as I can tell, has no subtext, only text. And here's the text, as far as I can tell: she sucks, she's lame, I hope she dies. Let's watch her die, and laugh.

...Ha. ...That's funny.

No it's not. Enough. From where the sun now sets I will write no more about Britney forever.

...So I'm assuming that 78% of the people who read this blog, or who read Hooksexup, live in New York City. That's just the vibe that I get.

Anyway, here's a picture of a seal that was seen today in the Hudson River, on the Upper West Side; 79th Street, Manhattan. According to the workers who found it, finding a seal in Manhattan only registers about a 5 on the weirdness scale. (Most weird, apparently: finding a boa constrictor in Central Park.) But still. Here's the seal.





AWWWWWWW! Motherfucking cute. Who doesn't love themselves some motherfucking seals? I know that I do. Who's a little fuzzy wuzzy ball-balancing amphibian? It's YOU. Yes IT IS! OH YES IT IS!

Anyway, sorry about that. Seal, we salute you for visiting our fair city, my former home town. Seal; truly, you awesome. ...And I compare you to a kiss from a rose on a grave. You are my power, my pleasure, my pain! ...Baby, to me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny...

Um. Er. Okay. That's enough.

...And mine. His life is also better than mine. He's won three Super Bowls, is about to win a fourth, and he's currently dating...

...This girl.

After having dumped...

...This girl.


...My favorite part is that the second girl is ridiculously hot too, but after seeing the first girl, you're kind of like: "Meh."

...ANY-way, here's live video of a Spanish reporter girl who's unable to handle the awesomeness that IS Tom Brady. And she's probably really hot as well. Darn it.





Oh, Tom! Marry me and take me away from all this video-blogging madness. It's be fun! We'll both turn gay! And then we can live on the French Riviera. Or on the isle of Crete. Or on the coast of Portugal. Or wherever you want, really! I can't promise that I'll go to all of your football games, but I will definitely watch them on TV.

Whaddya think, Tom? I can be reached via "Hotmail," or just give a call to the offices here at Hooksexup.

God, and to think that I was impressed by that Super Mario Lego video. Screw that. See you in hell, Super Mario Lego video! ...Here's the trailer for the new "Dark Knight" movie, done entirely via the funtactular medium of "Lego". By the way, I am soooo glad that I just have to post these videos, and not make them. I already feel dorky enough just watching them... but I think that if I was down in my basement for three days doing stop-motion photography with a bunch of colored blocks... well, I might just end it all.

Additional bonus "Lego" story: My father is an architect, so when I was a kid, I would just whine at him until he would put my Legos together perfectly, so that they exactly matched the picture on the front of the box. In an odd way, I think doing it like that made us both happier...

It's too bad that Andy Warhol didn't live to see the rise of the internet, and of internet video blogs (*ahem*). The internet has gone a long way towards proving his statement that "...in the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes." ...Words to live by, right? And I'm talking to you, Obama girl, crying Britney Spears guy, "Mentos" in sodas guys, etc, etc...

Although I happen to prefer the writer Martin Amis's modification of the Warhol quote: "In the future, we'll all be famous all the time. Just only inside our own heads."

Anyway, above, in honor of Andy, is video of the master himself, eating a hamburger. It's mesmerizing in its weirdness and boringness. And be sure to watch it all the way to the end! You won't be disappointed. Although probably, you actually will be.