Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Job-related stress happens to everyone. Except for George Clooney. He is beloved by all. The beginning of February may be rough at work. Dropping bad habits and smoothing things over with coworkers will do wonders for both your professional and bedroom life. Beware! The position of Pluto will lend itself to intoxication, so tread lightly during your Hump Day pub crawl.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
The cosmos is directing a performance of Neil Simon’s The Odd Couple and your relationship is on the marquee! You are freewheeling Felix to your significant other’s obdurate Oscar. Tolerate your squeeze’s stubbornness and a happy ending will unfold, exactly like the play! Well, with the exception of the scene where Felix and Oscar have sex.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Cubicle crusaders beware – Saturn and Uranus are dueling, and every clash of their celestial blades will shower you with red tape! This cosmic Kurosawa film means a week full of frustration, chicanery, and other unspeakably frustrating shit. The upshot to this planetary tension is that you’ll receive deep insight into the dichotomies in your life. Note: this is a fancy way of saying you’re probably bisexual. Awesome.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Tell that monkey on your back to make room for two grumpy wingmen — Saturn and Uranus will be perched on your shoulders this Valentine’s Day. The lecherous Uranus will chide you for not ravishing your date right in his/her Spaghetti Bolognese while stodgy Saturn will demand to see your date’s W-2. Expect their counsel to be confusing, contradictory and in Latin.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
When one Gemini has sex, is it a threesome? When two Geminis have sex, is it an orgy? And when three Gemini have sex, is it a commune in Utah? These — and other similarly pressing questions about the human condition — will race through your psyche this week.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
This is the a week to dust off your burnt Rage Against the Machine t-shirt from Woodstock ’99 (Remember that line-up? Korn? Lit? Really?) . The influence of Uranus and Saturn will impel you to question authority, fight the power, and generally behave like a sanctimonious eighth grader. You probably shouldn’t go on a Valentine’s Day date, unless it’s with another Cancer. Get ready to talk over each other.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Things are going suspiciously well for you in this economy. Soon, you will go mad waiting for the other shoe to drop. Have no fear! Venus and Pluto — the planets that govern seduction and wealth — are clashing this week. It’s best to show restraint until things go back to normal, so as the old saying goes: “Don’t make any rash decisions regarding seduction or wealth.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Remember the end of Alien where Ripley, having vanquished the terrifying creature into the vacuum of space, sighs a deeply and falls asleep? Your recent trials and tribulations will come to an end this week, so you too can strip down to your butt-floss and take a nap with Jones the cat. Luckily, you won’t be asleep for fifty-five years and wake up to Paul Reiser leering at you. Probably.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
All that crap about thinking positive they fed you back in elementary school is finally paying off. Your boundless optimism and energy will serve you well this week, helping you to help your lady- or fella-love through their problems (see other horoscopes for details). Be careful not to overdo it, though, because an overzealous comforter is about as soothing as a nice, long bath in ice water. And thumbtacks. And electric eels.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Dog runs away. Unpleasant breakup. Political strife at home and abroad. Not liking Slumdog that much. The shit is hitting your proverbial fan. In spite of the horrors you have faced recently, Venus and Mars are combining forces to turn your frown upside down. You’ll be like a bee flying through an endless field of beautiful, nourishing flowers. If ya knowwhati’msayin’right? Saynomoresaynomore.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Wealth and happiness are a peanut-butter-and-chocolate-awesome combo, but sometimes it just isn’t in the cards. Venus and Pluto are bitching each other out this week, so your joy and your bank balance are at odds. One is reminded of Orson Welles’ Charles Foster Kane, rotten with depression deep inside his enormous estate. You’re less of a whiny rich boy, though, and you actually love your spouse. At least you got the going for ya!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Creativity is important. Even Patrick Ewing took time off from being an NBA superstar to play the Angel of Death in The Exorcist 3. The first week of February will bring on a period of personal creativity so intense it borders on manic. The Great American Novel remains unwritten, Capricorn! This week, said novel is your responsibility. Remember: good writing can get you laid.
