Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The cosmos is playing a galactic game of Telephone this week. On Monday, Jupiter will lisp “apple” into Venus’ ear. On Tuesday, Jupiter will breathily nibble “funk” onto Mars’ lobe. On Wednesday, Mars and Venus will titter like schoolgirls. Sure, the planets are big on blue humor, but this equates to a blue time for you. No, we’re not talking about blue balls, get your mind outta the gutter! Sheesh.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Hear that “ka-ching” in the sky? That’s Mars, Jupiter, and Venus hitting Triple 7’s on the The Giant Gossamer Slot Machine! We’re hesitant to predict financial fortunes during a recession, but let’s just say it wouldn’t hurt to buy some scratch-off lottery tickets. And if you scratch-off a loss, cheer up — someone will be scratching your itch by month’s end.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Mars y Jupiter havo uno fiesta por tu Febrero seventeentho. Thato meanso bueno newso por lovelifeo! Martes es uno bueno dayo to sayo “Hola!” to uno guapo amigo (o guava amiga)! Comprende? Planetary convergences like this don’t happen very often, hombre!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
The Ford Taurus debuted in 1986. As a front-wheel drive, mid-sized sedan, the Taurus was the hallmark of upper-middle-class refinement — its spacious cab was sizable enough for the American nuclear family and its easy-to-use dashboard carried the unmistakable imprimatur of affordable quality. The Taurus was discontinued in 2006 due to Japanese competition. Wednesday’s outlook on fucking: Very Good.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Thanks to Venus and Jupiter, Monday is a big day for starting long-distance relationships. New mates from different cultures, that’s what’s on the menu, Gemini. If there was ever a day to order a mail-order spouse, this is the day. If you find the notion of mail-order nuptials screamingly unethical, a Real Doll will do in a pinch. But they won’t cook you borscht!
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Monday: hobnobbing with VIPs? Thursday: experimental diddling? Friday: kill two astrological birds with one stone, and hop on a very important knob. And apropos of nothing, what the hell’s an astrological bird? A griffin? A phoenix? Latoya Jackson?
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Don’t fret if you crashed and burned on Valentine’s Day. On Tuesday, Mars and Jupiter will align themselves in your partnership sector, giving you the hutzpah to get back on the proverbial horse. Maybe not the exact same horse, but as the old saying goes: Any horse in a storm.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
I’ll cut to the chase: You’ll get free money on Tuesday. Mars and Jupiter are up in your business, bringing an unexpected windfall. I’m reluctant to give explicit advice — a financial advisor I am not. I have, however, always been curious if the Scrooge McDuck dive-into-a-pile-of-coins-routine would work in real life. Let me know, Virgo.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday should be five-star romantic classics for you, Libra. Mars and Venus — your ruling planets — will be vibing on each other something fierce, so it might be worth taking time off work, leaving the cat some extra food and stocking up on electrolyte-replenishing sports drinks. Hell, take Thursday off, too. You’ll need the rest.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Best get to the off-track betting establishment, Scorpio. Your ruler, Mars, indicates good luck on Monday and Tuesday. Very few real-life situations require pure luck, however, and I can’t speak for your skills or personal strengths. The red planet won’t help you in picking up that dish checking out at Barnes & Noble.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
If you wake up this week and can’t bear the thought of wasting another second of your life, there is a perfectly reasonable astrological explanation. Saturn and Uranus are opposed this week, giving you a wandering eye and a lust for new opportunities. A single suggestion: If you are a hitman, try your best to complete your final assignment before escaping the underworld forever. Leaving loose ends can only lead to double-crossings, dead witnesses, and deadly games of cat-and-mouse.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Home is where the heart is, even if you have a pacemaker, a baboon heart or a ventricular assist device (VAD). Take some time to enhance your living situation this week and your investment will pay off in spades. Plant a tree. Re-grout the shower. Install a new Love Hammock. Mars, Venus and Jupiter will be in tight alignment, rooting for your property value like so many gaseous, enormous cheerleaders.
