Horoscopes by Neal Medlyn Scorpio: Make like a red-breasted wood thrush when considering who to mount. /advice/
REGULARS
posted 3/19/2007
MAR 19 - MAR 25
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
A healthy sex life and a good night's sleep have become mutually exclusive. As you drag through your days, you may begin to curse whoever decided that everyone needed to have sex strictly in the middle of the night. Put your mind to this problem this week. You get breaks at work, don't you? You eat breakfast before heading off on your day, right? See if you can't shuffle things around, get some sexing in at other times of day and restore your nights to slumbering bliss.
promotion
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Certain cherished beliefs should be shed this week. It was reassuring and helpful for a time to believe in the sexual tooth fairy, who would visit you every night, put stuff in your mouth and leave you quarters. This week, however, hoary and whore-y old chestnuts are only going to get in your way. Be a bit more flexible.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Listen, I too bawl like a baby every time I hear "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha, but sometimes it pays to have a grittier view of life. Watch The Wire or break out an old N.W.A. album and wince at the suckiness of life. Wizened and hard, you will find a kindred soul with whom to say, "Hey, this life may be shit and human beings the excrement of a laughing and vicious God, but let's do it non-stop for three days and try to forget, shall we?"
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
What's the point of going straight for a while if you don't go insane first? You'll feel the need to take it easy this week or dial back on your sex life, but don't act prematurely. You have to have Mardi Gras before you can have Lent, and you need to make sure certain behaviors and desires have had their day before shutting them out. So go out and expose whatever body parts you have to in order to make this happen.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Inspired by the Lonesome Dove TV miniseries, I often come on to people by putting on a racsally accent, stroking my mustache and asking them for a "poke." Asking to poke people rarely works, but when it does. . . ah, the glories of sex when you're really on the same page! Keep up your approach this week, even if it meets some resistance. When you find that person with whom you share a love of unromantic, semi-crass euphemism and Larry McMurtry, you'll be in for magic.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
If you love someone, you sometimes have to let them go off on trips to Europe and fall into a life of naked orgy-and-techno parties in Berlin. Apparently they will then come back to you or something. The idea for you this week isn't to try and stop them from heading off to Germany, but rather to pick up the local free weekly, flip to the back and find out that there are just as many orgy-and-techno parties in your town. Two can and should play that game.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Expectation is your greatest enemy, as the person you're sleeping with tries to make a federal case out of some emergent proclivity. Why should things remain as they have, and why are they so freaked out when it seems a perfectly natural progression to you? The answer may not come along this week, but a demonstration of your new moves should bring them, or at least their pelvises, to your side.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You'll be looking everywhere for a solution to a pressing sexual bind this week. Somehow you've managed to get things bungled to a crisis point, perhaps a choice between multiple partners. You'll be lucky though, as options will suddenly remove themselves from consideration, making it unnecessary for you to choose. Keep your eyes open for such developments and make the most of what turns out.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
People will be coming from all over for help and advice this week. I know you're busy, but you really can be of great service if you take the time to help the needy. So make like Mother Teresa, get out there and build some latrines. Of course, Mother Theresa probably didn't take some hot young thing into the newly built latrine to rip up their clothes and do it like wild beasts — as you will — but that's but a minor detail.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Shared activities that don't involve lubricant should feature in your week. Doing a puzzle together, or constructing a cabinet to hold the aforementioned lubricants, will make a huge difference in your relationships. Just try to keep it light. I've almost lost friends over bleary-eyed two a.m. puzzle assembling sessions, so endeavor to play nice!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Everyone around you thinks they know everything about you this week. Just because you've slept with them all doesn't mean they know everything you're capable of! Show them up this week by daring to explore those interests and avenues that beckon. Don't wait around for the pleasure of their shock at the new you, however. That's not what this is about.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Boy, who hasn't been in a three-way make-out session where it's become painfully clear that one of the three isn't wanted? This dilemma, whether it's come up before or not, is likely to stare you down this week. If something doesn't feel right with the people involved, prepare to be the one to bow out, even if you feel like someone else should go. Things will work out in your favor only if you're willing to let it go.
