An Oral History of Hooksexup by Gwynne Watkins As told by its founders, editors, and contributors. Today: Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, former editors and advice columnists. /dispatch/
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Sure, you look good rumpled. You fuck pretty hard to get those deep wrinkles in your clothes and sheets, and you should be proud of them. There is a point, however, and you'll approach it this week, where wrinkles start to form on top of wrinkles, and you and your belongings start to look like a pug dog. Take some time off from all that sex, throw those sheets in the wash and see what looking fresh does for the rest of your week.
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Consider whether you want to know the answer to those things that puzzle you. Digging deep will produce answers, but also a lot of sexual skeletons that you'd rather not know about. Leave their tearful, begging-their-ex-for-sex tales where they belong: forgotten.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
To get down to the sexual nitty-gritty this week, you need to set aside any aesthetic worries. Muscles will be stretched, messes will be made, snarly looks of determination will cross your face. Fight any concerns you have about what you look like when you're rabid in bed. Remember, good times require lots and lots of strain.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
The good thing about risks is they take you out of your head for a bit. Asking someone to drive seventeen hours to break in and have sex in your parents' house will make you awful nervous. Still, it's a better choice than simply pondering what all you'd do with them beneath the TeenBeat posters in your childhood bedroom. Action is required to make daydreams reality.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You're likely to be all over the place, shouting one minute, cuddly the next, sobbing soon after that. There'll be all sorts of histrionics in the bedroom, which, while daunting for some in your fuck-buddy rolodex, will mean incredible times with others. Consider who'd be down with your Sybil-with-a-vibrator antics, and mount them tout suite.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Listen repeatedly to that Lily Allen song "Friday Night" this week. Whether you were ever referred to as a "tough," or as "scrappy," some altercations are in store. Be prepared to take out your earrings and ask a friend to "hold your shit." Don't worry that any ensuing bruises or club bans will affect your sex life. On the contrary: a well-placed bruise is hotter than a closet full of tight H&M outfits.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Make like a red-breasted wood thrush when considering who to mount. Hmm. Powerful thighs, eh? Those are good for long periods of squatting and thrusting. Sold! Look for physical or personal characteristics that will do you in good stead in the bedroom.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
O'erflowing sacks of personality have you, Sagittarius, but beware the temptation, even when encouraged by eyelashes and more than few Jamesons, to discourse on that fact. It may be hard to lay off questions about your sexual or personal prowess, but you should demur. You think filling someone in on the remarkable number of people you've made come simultaneously would increase your chances. . . but it won't.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I know people say the brain is the premier sex organ, but, seriously, try sticking a brain up someone's butt and see how far that gets you. Despite your great mental capacity, don't get too intellectual in the bedroom, or you'll ruin the whole thing. Keep some perspective on which body parts matter most, and things will go well.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Before you sit down to write that manifesto enumerating the oppressions forced on you by a skittish lover or fascist society, stop and consider a different course. Isn't there a way to use those repressive rules to your sexual advantage? There wouldn't be any kink if it weren't for social taboos, so see what you can come up with.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Good news will arrive from afar this week. Before you scour your mail for "par avion" stickers, know that the news may be a certain someone shouting at you, from the door to your bedroom, that they're fixing to jump your bones, before leaping on top of you and furiously molesting you. Keep your eyes peeled.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Short-term discomfort is likely this week. You and I both know it's going to work out for the best in the end, but that may be hard to remember at the beginning. Just keep in mind that you had to go through some awkward early sexual experiences in a trailer house before you got to flower into the wild demon of intercourse that you are today.
