Horoscopes by Neal Medlyn Scorpio: Make like a red-breasted wood thrush when considering who to mount. /advice/
REGULARS
posted 3/26/2007
MAR 26 - APR 1
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Just like a troubled youth who finds a positive outlet for his aggression in kickboxing, you need to let off some steam before you explode. Things have been bubbling up from your nether regions for some time, and if you're not careful, you'll be knocking over 7-Elevens by week's end. Check this slide into delinquency by expending your energy sexually. Put on some Eminem, hold your breath and balance on one foot as you go at it, before it's too late.
promotion
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
A little sensitivity will make this week successful for you. There's nothing worse than making a joke about how you spend all your time naked and jumping off things, only to have someone give you the "you're crazy and freaking me out" look. If they had played that a bit cooler and not hurt my — I mean your — feelings, they'd be in for some good times. Ignore treatment that hurts your feelings and continue doing what you know is right for you.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Paying attention to the outside world will bring unexpected sexual benefits this week. Sure, it makes you a good citizen too, but poring over newspapers will yield some tidbit that will improve your sex life dramatically. It could be an advancement in the science of intercourse, a new gadget pertinent to your mid-section, or maybe even a really hot picture of Vladimir Putin you can masturbate to. Who knows? Just get to reading.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
A good breakfast is very important. You've been skipping it or having a skimpy, nigh-on-useless version lately, and it's taking its toll. You’re sluggish and slow, and you miss a big part of the day. So get up in time to have hearty helpings of eggs, bacon, waffles, penises and vaginas. What? You didn't realize that they were an essential part of a balanced breakfast? Someone hasn't been keeping up with the latest changes to the food pyramid.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Sharp cries of surprise are the result of your sexual tack this week. Take it easy, let muscles adjust, slide things in in a more leisurely fashion. We know you're a very busy person, but all that haste is uncomfortable to those around you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Putting your hands in your pockets feels good. The chilly weather has given you reason to fiddle around in there constantly, keeping constant contact with those year-round birthday-presents-from-God. And what else do we find in those pockets? Money! Hooray! Let's spend it! Just know that there are all sorts of fiscal traps for you out there, so try to be careful. Better to leave your hands and money in your pockets. There are way more smiles to be had in there.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
We all like to fantasize about not having things or people we have to do, but that's not life. Duty calls us to clock in and mount those whom we have promised to mount. This week, ignore any chafing you may feel at your sexual responsibilities. Sure, you have to wake up, stretch your muscles into all sorts of shapes and make noises one normally only hears on Meerkat Manor — it's a tough life. But seriously, you get to have really great sex. Is that really such a bother?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Not that you need to wander about in formalwear and a pig mask, but exotic things should feature in your week. I know exotic is a corny kind of word, but re-enacting party scenes from Eyes Wide Shut won't feel as silly as you think. Yes, it's a little creepy, but think for a second about what intercourse really is, and you'll see that a pig mask won't really make any difference.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I like proper lighting and precision in my backup dancers, too, but there comes a time to quit fussing with the stage and put on a live sex show for all of America. You're spending too much time with the accoutrements of sex and not enough time doing that act which links you with all the animals; that humping, bumping dance of sweaty life. It may prove difficult, but if you can manage to put down the smoke machine and the ten-speed vibrator, things will go much better.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It is time for a heart-to-heart this week with that person you sleep with. I'm not saying you have to sit in the candlelight and sing Tracy Chapman songs to each other, but engage each others emotions this week. If that doesn't work, at least do it facing them and pretend you're doing something meaningful.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
There's something gleefully smutty about those old 2 Live Crew lyrics. They're juvenile, sure, but sometimes "heads down, ass up, that's the way we like to fuck" seems not so much silly as succinct. Don't be surprised if you're overcome by a certain matter-of-fact junior-high dirtiness this week. Just let it make its way into your bedroom and work its magic the way "Me So Horny" still does on a dance floor.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
In bed, try not to make like DMX and other rappers who are a smidge too hardcore. Sure, it sounds good in a song, but getting all crazy-aggressive with people's genitals isn't all it's cracked up to be. They may appreciate your enthusiasm, but new bruises on top of old do not a happy crotch make. Mitigate your excitement to safer levels.
