Horoscopes by Neal Medlyn Scorpio: Make like a red-breasted wood thrush when considering who to mount. /advice/
REGULARS
posted 4/2/2007
APR 2 - APR 8
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You'll be like True.com this week, stressing your buttoned-up compatibility tests and conservative credibility, all while Photoshopping pretty faces onto hard, surgically enhanced bodies to draw in horny singles. Sure, there's a conflict there, but don't worry, we won't tell. The mechanics of dating are weird enough without being too upfront about the whole thing. Maintain some degree of decorum, even when you'd rather blurt out "I desperately wanna examine your crotch with my tongue!" It's disingenuous, but such is the way of love.
promotion
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Don't be surprised if that gross someone from your distant past pops back up this week. And they won't have made that miraculous post-high-school emergence into surprising hotness. Nope, they're still kind of terrifying. The difference: you'll be into how terrifying they are. All sorts of surprises will come out of this, so go along for the ride.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
There are plenty of people out there who supposedly know better than you what works best for your sexual satisfaction. They decide all sorts of silly things based on your jeans or which club they met you at. Annoying as this is, muddle through somehow until the weekend, when someone at the leather bar, who really just likes to watch Forrest Gump and have friendly sex, will be yours.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
I used to know someone who could come just by thinking. You will run across an individual who can reach orgasm in a similarly unusual way, so be on the lookout. Stay eternally vigilant for orgasms, as they are likely to happen when you least expect them this week. Which, I don't need to tell you, can be quite a mess.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Ah, those few seconds with the bartender when you lust so openly, so profoundly for their supple, completely inaccessible, vodka-hurling frame. This will be a week of such fleeting, momentary sexual pleasures. It won't just be the brief hot bartender encounter, however. It'll also be incredibly brief sex. Try to make those few seconds as memorable as possible.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
It's kind of sad that the most bodacious ladies they could find for Grindhouse were Rose McGowan and Rosario Dawson. Really? That's the closest to Pam Grier that we have now? You'll wake up to a much different world this week. Maybe that won't be such a surprise, as the beer goggles you've been strapping on turn most of the bar crowd into Pam Grier. Nonetheless, don't hold what anyone turns out to be against them. It's not their fault you had something different in mind.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
When you just want to go to sleep and someone pleads for sex, it's distressing. You get annoyed, because it's not like you don't want sex ninety-nine percent of the time, it's just that you're actually very tired this one night. Don't get indignant or feel the need to defend your usually profound libido. It is likely you're going to be out of sync with someone special this week; think nothing of it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Just like when you have sex with people who are profoundly high on drugs, sex will be crazy and wonderful and totally unstable this week. This will be great if you can take the good parts and glance over the pin-spot pupils and crazy drooly mouth of the person humping away on you. If you find those hard to ignore, you'll be less than amused by their high. Wait it out. They have to come down at some point.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I've never been put on sexual display in front of a prince and watched people with erections get spanked like in the Anne Rice version of Snow White, and sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on something. All those complicated feelings of sex, exposure and embarrassment are likely to be a part of your week, so get ready. Clear your schedule if necessary.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This is likely to be a week of inner realization, but Dr. Phil won't necessarily bark at you to "get it together, girlfriend." It's more probable that you'll suddenly understand all the fuss about about certain deep internal feelings during sex. Who knew you could feel dirty things in those body parts?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
'Tis Easter! That season where you get to crack things open, resurrect things, suck and eat things that you don't at other times of the year. You're reading Hooksexup, so I don't think I need to explain what this season means to a sexually active young person. Go out there and make the most of it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
It's remarkable the sheer variety of reactions you can get by showing people your pubic hair. You think you have it all figured out by this point. You do this, ninety percent of your previous partners do that. Except this week, your audience won't. They'll do something completely unexpected. It may be a shock, but this kind of surprise doesn't come along all that often and is therefore worth indulging to see where it leads.
