Dating Advice From . . . Glassblowers by Ariana Green Q: How does your job affect your skill set in the bedroom? A: I work with beads, so I don't do much blowing. Working as a glassblower makes you immune to double entendres, by the way.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
This week feelings of change and upheaval will push you into vintage Sylvia Plath territory. Try to resist the urge to channel these feelings by attempting Feng Shui in the vicinity of the oven or other dangerous appliances. Things will pick up mid-week when — much like the son of an Israeli carpenter lo those many years ago — people will be coming from far and wide to sing your praises and shower you with gifts. Cash in your gold, frankincense and myrrh for a nice little Tuscan villa or an elegant schooner. If the feelings of wanderlust and existential ennui get really severe, grow a handlebar moustache and challenge a nemesis to a race around the world. Those boots were made for walkin', Libra. And that hot air balloon was made for swanning about over the Maldives.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You've become a walking Rembrandts chorus: you're broke, a joke and DOA in the sack. Take heart, however! Just as everything ultimately worked out for the Friends (save for Joey, last seen panhandling on a needle-strewn Santa Monica pier), all will come together for you. Your best bet for happiness right now is finding a mate by any means necessary. Word is that a lot of lonely former bankers are wandering around in a shell-shocked daze. Have your way with them and try to steal whatever money and dignity they have left.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The new moon is about to hit your astrological eye like a big pizza pie, and you know what that means, Sags. Moon-rock dust in your contacts? No! Amore. Yes, love is very much hanging around you, although whether said hanging is that of a cool roommate or an albatross remains unclear. Your professional and networking powers are at their peak, so why not combine business and pleasure and have a gander at the world's oldest profession? Pimp or madam, hooker or rent boy, you're sure to rake in the dough and have politicians and power players quite literally on their knees. Attached? If your mate doesn't understand your career change, tell them to shape up or ship out. Single? Beware Charlie Sheen and proselytizing governors.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Put on your favorite wacky dictator hat and ride your tank into work Monday and Tuesday, because you'll be unstoppable in the office early in the week. Now's the time to implement your plan to revolutionize the filing system, annex your neighbor's cubicle and put in that request for your own personal eunuch. Make sure to really kick ass, though, because your impulsive streak is going to kick in on Wednesday. Just ride those crazy mood swings. Don't forget to flaunt that sexy unhinged vibe at work: take long lunch breaks, spend your bonus on a diamond-encrusted briefcase and make the FedEx guy your sex slave. What are they gonna do, fire you? Have they seen your new file system?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The new moon makes travel a real likelihood for you, and with Venus in your house of distant travels, there's never been a better time to make it happen. Unfortunately Uranus is making your finances suck hairy balls. There is a simple solution: get someone else to pay for your trip! It's the same principle as getting someone else to pay for your drinks at bar: look pretty, flash those baby blues and promise nothing. If that doesn't work, you can try sucking a little dick. It's amazing where a good BJ can get you. If you're good enough, this one might even get you to the Caribbean.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
If you haven't made great personal advancements recently, you're kind of a loser because all the other Pisces did without even trying. Seriously, dude, this other Pisces we know got a life-changing epiphany while he was sitting on the john, and he's increased his yearly salary two-fold as a result. You might be a little behind in the game, but if you relax and let the good ideas come to you, Mercury, Mars and Venus are all in your corner this week. And you know what that means: speed, war and love. Hmmm, actually, we have no idea what that means. Maybe you're like, gonna get in a speedy war about love? Frick, we should really reread that astrology book we used to have, but someone returned it to the library.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
The stars are aligned in the shape of a giant penis, and it's pointing right at you! Straight Aries girls and gay Aries boys everywhere rejoice! There's gonna be a giant dick just for you. If you're a straight guy, that kind of sucks, unless. . . wait, is that your penis? Wow, it's pretty big. Good job. You must need like, Zeus-sized condoms. For you lesbian Aries out there, we're sorry. It looks like it's going to be a tough week.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
With Mercury in retrograde, your electronics are in serious danger. Don't trust your TiVo to record the Pushing Daisies premiere. Save your work often, and make a back-up disc for all your work files. But most importantly, beware of faulty vibrators — that is one shock you do not want to get (unless you're into that sort of thing). It's probably best to stick to dildos or household objects, like a zucchini or small flashlight. (Remove the batteries.) Don't worry, you'll be in the clear soon and can use your electronics without worry. Except for that juicer thing from the infomercial where the guy's like “I eat all my food juiced.” That is the devil's juicer, and we recommend exorcizing it from your home.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
It's been a rough month, but cheer up. Your creativity is soaring with the new moon and there's a big audience out there waiting for it. Your fortunes are also about to turn romantically. Keep an eye open for old friends looking to reconnect in more ways than one. May we recommend “Ring Around His Rosy” from Hooksexup's Position of the Day: Expert Edition? It's definitely one way to connect…
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Those percolating plans — romantic, familial and professional — are about to fall into place. This despite the pesky delays you will encounter all week. Don't let any minor setbacks cloud your big picture. And if they do, you can rely on your significant other or close colleague, both of whom will be waiting for you with particularly open arms.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Everyone is worried about their finances this week, but you might experience particularly brutal panic attacks when you check your balance. But don't retreat to your underground bunker just yet. Use your famous Leonine creativity to find unique ways to save a buck or two, like inviting friends over your place instead of the fancy new bar down the street. You won't regret it. Your stocks might be down, but the odds of a new romance are up.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You've been spending like a drunken sailor all month. And while your venereal health might be in question after such a binge, your financial tide is about to turn. Be it a new job or a promotion, income will be flowing again. Good thing too, because a new love interest is barreling your way who will not be a cheap date. You're allowed to go crazy on the caviar — Saturn has entered your sign and will be gracing you with sturdiness and good fortune. Just stay sane in all other respects.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
