Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Six of the solar system's heavenly bodies are about to align for you. And the turnstile outside your bedroom just might give the galaxy a run for its money. Christmas night in particular brims with the gift of romantic potential. So don't sweat that ugly sweater from your aunt. This week is also an excellent time to sign an important contract; let's hope it doesn't involve your new friend in the sack.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You often find yourself having opposite experiences to those around you. So while everyone else is getting ready to throttle their relatives this holiday season, you'll be having a blast making new friends that don't raise your blood pressure. But that doesn't mean this crush won't be giving you a rise of a different sort. Santa's already made his list and checked it twice, dear Aquarius, so feel free to be as naughty as you please.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
It's Christmastime and you might as well be dangling that mistletoe from your belt. You haven't seen this much holiday action since Uncle Bob showed up for the holiday roast freshly divorced and plastered with his secretary in tow. Look for Friday and Sunday to be particularly frisky evenings. This weekend will also be a good time for you to join a new club. So don't go too crazy lest it be a Valtrex support group.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Fearing the family unit, stuffed all in one house? Relax. The planets predict that not only will you and your clan get on swimmingly (a few vodka tonics always help!) — but it's a good idea to bring home stray friends. All signs point to your loved ones getting on marvelously with your pothead roommate; and all of Uncle Al's reindeer-themed jokes will be new — and hilarious — to your bud-lovin' bud. But get out of mom and dad's house on Saturday, when Venus is making merry with you: it will be your most sizzling, romantic night of the month. Unless you still have a crush on your second cousin, you'll want to find some new friends to seduce.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Your witchy beloved has trapped you in a closet.
"Okay! You're right! It wasn't funny when I locked YOU in the closet!" You pound ineffectually. "Let me out!"
"Chained to the wall behind you are a nice pair of leather handcuffs," you hear through the door. "Put those on, and then we'll talk."
You hear a drawer open, and realize the whip's come out. So it's THAT time again.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
It's a stormy day outside the castle, and you dream of your soldier at war — Antonio, of the golden locks and well-turned calf. (Sigh.) You hear a noise — Gasp! "We meet again, my liege," says the raven-haired Duke D'Armond, leaning nonchalantly against the doorpost. "I've been riding nonstop for two weeks to tell you — your castle is lost. Your army has fallen. I have won. And. . . " he pauses dramatically. "I've come for you." Soaked through with rain and sweat, he strides purposely over to the four-poster. He faints on the way, though. You put him to bed and rally the castle to action. Time enough to deal with pesky Dukes when the fighting's done!
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
A fist bangs on your door in the middle of the night. You stumble to answer it, cold-toed and fuzzy-headed. "You've won the lottery," a husky voice says from the doorway. "Em, hm, what?" you say, keeping the door latched. "The lottery," say several more sinuous, whispery voices. You're getting a bit freaked out. "Uh. . . money? Or the getting-stoned-to-death kind? Ha ha?" "Sort of like the second one," hisses the whispery chorus. "Only more fun." Ghosts slip and wisp past you into the room, until you're surrounded. Your brain reels as you feel the unmistakable touch of thousands of tiny hands all over your body. Funny thing is, you like it.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Sometimes you regal lions aren't always sure-footed predators. (Don't worry, we won't tell!). If there's turmoil in your inner ecosystem and your inner lion is stalking your inner lamb, never fear: sometimes shaking the hierarchy of your inner Jungle Kingdom allows for new and better predatory opportunities. Not that you weren't perfect, already. . .
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Forget about presents under the tree; the planets have a whole passel of gifts for you this week. We're talking love, sex and more heavy breathing than 500 pages of Twilight can offer. (And, thankfully, fewer vampires!) Of course, sometimes those frisky planets don't know when to stop: besides bubbling over with all things naughty and nice, you might bubble over in the fertility department, as well. Put a helmet on that soldier, and enjoy marching to the beat of one deliciously frisky holiday weekend.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
This week you're apt to find yourself waking with a gasp, sweaty and tangled in the sheets. The planets predict the cause could be two things: tawdry dreams, or tension-filled nightmares. Then again, if fear and excitement are flip sides of the same coin — maybe you have more power than you think. Choose which way you want to see the world. As for this weekend, just make sure your sheets are clean: signs are good you'll find a dreamy someone new you can sweat and tangle with.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
It might be the free-flowing booze or all those platitudes about "the gift of giving" that accompany this time of year, but this week you're feeling creative in a way that's driving your mate wild. So whether it's a Babeland stocking stuffer or getting crazy with those candy canes, enjoy spicing it up. Here's to experimenting through the New Year!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mars is in Sagittarius this week, giving you energy in spades. Whether you apply it to last-minute gift shopping, egg-nog consumption or sexual conquest is up to you, but frankly you've got more than enough to go around. As if you needed more of a boost, expect a financial godsend in the form of a large check on or around Friday. This time, don't waste it on hookers and blow. The stars are smiling down on you and don't take kindly to greed.
