Dear Cat Lady,

Sounds like Meowchausen Syndrome. By proxy. Tell him to take two catspirin and call me in the morning.

All right, I'll be serious. I spent a long time thinking about your letter, and my impressions are mixed. On one hand, he sounds like a decent fellow who's going the grassroots route and trying to do good. That said, Craigslist isn't the best place to find animals. A lot of them come with serious health/behavioral issues, as he's experiencing. I have to wonder: Is your guy really kitty kryptonite, or just a sap who keeps going back for more and more lemons from the same dealer?

Whether or not he "gets it" is at the heart of all your questions. Does he respond to the unexpected — like his tame kitty hissing — or does he charge ahead with his plans, ignoring the (scratching, biting) realities of the situation? Controlling people wouldn't dream of changing their habits; they'd rather change everyone else's. After reading about his behavior towards his fur children, I can understand why you're getting that prickly feeling at the back of your neck. It takes most people thirty seconds around a cat before they realize Mr. Yummy Whiskers subscribes to the school of I Do Whatever the Fuck I Want. Why is it taking so long for him to "get it"?

You know a lot about cat whispering, so share your knowledge! If you don't think he'll listen to you, have him talk to a friend or a vet, whom you prep ahead of time. Buy him some cat books, or offer to adopt one of the shorties for a week and test how your cat-raising techniques fare against his.

He'll either embrace the help, or keep on with the crazy-making. Either way, you'll get a more accurate gauge of his future behavior. There's a strong chance he's just a sweet person going at something all wrong. I'm just now volunteering with kids after years of working with seniors. If anyone judged me on my track record over the past two months I'd be mortified. I made the first kid I worked with cry. Within thirty seconds. I also made the second kid cry. Over a donut hole. But I'm learning. Will he? Does he want to? That'll be the real test going forward. For more on crazy cat chicks (with dicks!), see this awesome New York Times trend piece.

Dear Lost Boy,

I don't think it's the distance. I don't even think it's the other guy. I think it's your girlfriend — who still loves you, I have no doubt. But the nature of that love — the priority and place she wants it to have in her life — have changed.

How can you make it better? Start developing your own life. Stop watching your lady on the internet. If she wants you, she knows where to find you. You can't live your life focusing all your energy on when/if you'll get back together. Maybe one day you will. But, not to be a downer, "I'm breaking up with you" and "I want to get back together with you one day" are the same message. The latter is just delivered in a more roundabout, half-assed way. It doesn't mean that your girl isn't sincere when she says it. But "We're broken up…maaaaybe" is, psychologically, a much easier message to give and take.

I recommend a friendly, classy timeout. Don't talk for a while. Let your friends and family hear how heartbroken you are. It's not her job to help you get over it. Nor is it your job to be her "friend" and get your stomach all twisted up hearing about her dates.

Follow these Ten First-College-Breakup Commandments and you'll be good as new by New Year's Eve:

1. Thou shalt obey the words of Depeche Mode: You are your own personal Jesus. Which means you're The Shit, with capital letters. Leave the low-self-esteem crap in high school.

2. No fake gods. Girls are not gods. Neither is some shitty local band that doesn't want you as a member.

3. Feel free to take thy Ex's name in vain. Just not in an online forum. It makes you look like a douchehole.

4. Remember thy laundry day and keep it holy. You're sad now, but you'll be even sadder if you smell like a sweaty chili dog next time you run into some hottie. Be prepared.

5. Honor your father and mother by lying to them about all the unhealthy shit you're doing to get over thy Ex. They're better off not knowing.

6. Thou shalt not kill, unless on PS3 or Xbox. And, unless they express direct interest, turn if off when new ladies come over. Offer a doobie or some conversation. This is not a clubhouse.

7. Don't commit adultery. Technically, that requires marriage, and no one your age is married or likely getting married anytime soon. So feel free to get your indiscriminate screw on, especially as you're getting over Her.

8. Don't steal, unless it's something you're required to steal as a college student: dining-hall trays, anything with an unintentional marijuana reference, traffic cones. Return your Ex's possessions promptly.

9. Don't dick over your neighbors. They can be good second-string breakup support when none of your friends are around and you're freaking out.

10. Don't steal your neighbor's girlfriend, Hot Pockets, or Adderall. The Ex may come back, and revenge is just way too easy.

Readers, any other commandments you'd like to add? What did you learn from your first big college breakup?