Please Advise: My boyfriend’s depressed. How can I help him out of it?
He’s interesting, funny, smart… and just happens to have some psychiatric problems.
By Hooksexup Readers
Wise readers,
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this girl out. You can give her advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, and I'm getting worried about the state of our relationship... and the state that he's currently in. We're both grad students working towards doctorate degrees, we're so similar it's scary, and we have an amazingly supportive, loving relationship. I adore him, and although I'm not ready to make any life-long commitments — I'm in college and can barely afford three packs of ramen a day — I can see myself eventually being able to marry him sometime down the road.
However, there are two problems: one, he lives 3,000 miles away from me, and two, he's just been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression.
When we met, I was just looking for someone to talk to. (Long story short: I was abused for six years, and have had the last two to recover and regain my sanity. It's been going rather well.) But soon, it developed into a relationship — he was interesting, and smart, and funny…and had some psychiatric problems. "So what if he lives 3,000 miles away?" I thought to myself. "I'm not going to find a guy/girl like this around here."
Then we visited each other for Christmas, realized that we were in love, and had to separate a week later. After that, his already-moderate depression became worse.
I don't know how to support him, mainly because I've never been supported, but also because I never experienced depression that couldn't be directly attributed to things I've experienced in the past. I worry that he's going to do something dumb, and I also worry that his grades will suffer. I want him to achieve his dreams more than anything. I blame myself for his depression worsening, since having an ongoing relationship prolongs the pain of being apart, and I don't know how to make it better aside from ending things. I am already beginning to feel lonely.
Should I stay here and support him through his treatment, knowing that it could just prolong his pain, or should I end things and hope for the best, knowing that I'll lose someone I love dearly in the process?
—No Answers, Stuck Angsting
Help her out! If you've got questions of your own, email them to .
Commentarium (32 Comments)
If you love him, go to him.
Wow, way to oversimplify.
As someone with clinical depression, I have to say, the best thing I ever did was find a therapist I loved, and the second best thing I ever did was go on antidepressants about a year after I started seeing said therapist.
Also, I know you want to help, but he probably doesn't know what anyone could do to help. It's a really awful position that you're in, but the best thing you can do is stay positive, try and get his mind on other things when you talk, and be really encouraging/positive about therapy and be open to the part where he may need drugs for his brain to function properly.
The single most important thing for you to realize is that this is not his fault, or your fault, or anyone's fault. It's his brain chemistry. It's incredibly difficult for people to understand what depression is like when they don't have it, and sometimes the worst part is dealing with unintentionally insensitive people who say things like, "You'd be fine if you just exercised more," or "I knew someone who took vitamin D and it totally changed their life!" That's great for that person, but when all I want is to not get out of bed, telling me to exercise isn't really going to help. In my experience, the thing that makes me feel the very best is when someone says, "I don't understand, but I'd like to try. Would you mind if I asked you some questions I have about your condition?"
Depression is a disease, and that's something that took me, as a depressed person, a long time to really deal and come to terms with. It feels like something you should be able to power through, and sometimes if it's not too bad you can, but antidepressants can really help kick-start the change.
Basically, treat him like you would if you found out he had diabetes or another chronic issue: do your research, remember that this is new for him too, and do your best to be supportive without being presumptuous.
(This is, of course, assuming you do want to work things out. I know depressives are difficult, but we can be fun once our chemistry is no longer out of whack!)
Your letter makes it sound like you've never seen this guy in person except for that one week, and that raises some major, major red flags. I'm sure he's a great guy, but I think online or mostly-online relationships are dodgy in the best case. Trying to make a LDR work with a severely depressed person with whom you've hardly spent any time? That seems like madness to me.
If I were your friend I'd be very worried about your well-being. People who've been abused often have a lot of guilt and low self-esteem, and feel like they need to date someone "damaged" so it somehow balances out their own past. But you don't need to do that, actually -- you're not obliged to fix this guy.
So to answer your question, you can't really help a depressed person "out of it", and you certainly can't help someone you're dating, let alone long-distance. It's not his fault, and it's certainly not yours, but trying to help someone depressed while maintaining a LTR with them is like trying to dance with someone with a broken leg. (Actually, it's more like trying to dance with someone who's taking a sledgehammer to their own leg.) Your relationship isn't causing his depression, and if it seems to be exacerbating it, it's only a pretext. Whether you think the cause is psychological or neurochemical in origin, it's got roots that go far beyond this relationship.
But I'm not saying you should break up with him in order to help him. Your entire letter is devoted to worrying about him: what about you, and YOUR needs and well-being? There are other people in the world who can love and appreciate and understand you, but without the constant cloud of pain that this guy currently has over him. Heck, some of them might even live within a hundred miles.
OK...but the thing is that she loves him. One of the reasons of why relationships exist is to get/give support. What kind of relationship awaits for us in the horizon if we simply walk away as soon as things get a little tough?
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe.
Exactly!!!
Don't break up with him, but don't put yourself out of your way to help him. When it comes down to it, the only person who can really make you happy is you, and he'll figure this out. It's probably best that you don't live closer as it would probably cause a rift in your relationship as you won't be able to just make him happier, it's an illness, and hard to overcome! Make sure he knows that you are there to speak to whenever he feels down, and that you love him.
I was in grad school and became severely depressed and, only speaking from my own experience, it took me a very long time to finally deal with it. I took years off from school, and though it will affect where I can go in the future, I feel so fortunate that I had the time and resources to regain my sense of self.
Dealing with depression can get very complicated. Even if your boyfriend is past the denial and actively trying to manage his depression, it may take some time for your boyfriend to sort himself out. But he has to do much of this work alone and with a therapist.
You obviously care for him a great deal. It may help to remind him of this, and to gently stress that he should try different therapists, medications, activities he once enjoyed, etc until he finds whatever works for him.
It's concerning that you feel responsible for making his depression worse. Offer love and encouragement but let the chips fall where they may. Maybe it would help to discuss your worries with a school counselor or a trusted friend. These replies are just mere guesses from anonymous people working on possibly true and possibly wrong assumptions. It's just a starting point, but talking to someone you really trust may help you ease your fears and worries. Make sure to take care of yourself too.
I also became depressed during grad school. I was in a relationship at the time and my depression ultimately drove us apart. She tried everything to help but I had to take the steps towards recovery myself. I signed up for free counseling at my school (they caused it they might as well fix it!). That turned into seeing a mental health specialist while I took courses in mindfulness based stress reduction and yoga. I also started taking an antidepressant that has worked out really well for me.
My advice would be to keep being supportive and reassure him that he can trust you to be his anchor if you will. But like awcb wrote, some issues are you-issues and some are therapist-issues so know when to defer to a professional. Best of luck to you both.
Thanks for the responses - a lot of them have added clarity to the situation. But a tiny point: I don't want to make him happy again; I just want to support him while he tries to make himself happy. As I've been around the proverbial block regarding psychiatric care a few times, for obvious reasons, I have some obvious experience with it, and can help lead him in the right direction (therapists, medications that don't make you wanna puke - yes, I'm looking at you Prozac - symptoms of medicines that I've been on, and, essentially, knowing when he's seeing a quack, as certain things are very obviously not treatments for depression and can kill you); however, I wonder if helping with medication and treatment is really something you should do for your boyfriend, or if I'm treating him as I would a friend. It's very odd being in this situation, as not many of my friends are on the same stuff I am.
For the record, though, most of it is providing advice and helping him recognize dangerous symptoms, as he'll be dealing with a lot of stimulants (which I am sadly experienced with). Well, and being there to remind him that I do still love him and do still want the best for him, of course, as I would for any other guy I was in love with who was depressed. I just wonder if being apart is making it worse.
It's tricky but really important to find the right balance. Try to be as objective as you can be. If he needs help evaluating different treatments, you are the perfect sounding board. But keep in mind, different things work for different people (who knows, prozac could work really well for him without the horrible side effects you experienced). You can help him clarify things, but it's really important that he becomes proactive in his recovery. If you feel overwhelmed, you should take a few steps back and have some space for yourself. It would be unfair if he's leaning so much on you that you feel burned out - that's what a therapist is for. I just think being there to remind him that he is loved and that you're pulling for him (which you are already doing) is the best thing you can do. Helping with evaluating treatment options, etc is just extra stuff that he can do with his therapist.
Yeah, so as corny as it sounds, love is more than enough. Helping with medications and treatment plans is best left to experienced professionals because it can get complicated/messy and it becomes really hard to be objective about it. Though you two are unfortunately apart, it's just the fact of your temporary circumstances. Try not to worry too much about the distance because your support that you're already providing is the best thing.
And, we met before and after that one week - we knew each other for over a year before dating, as, again, he lives three thousand miles away. (He works for my uncle, which is how we know each other... and he was present during the last months of my abuse.) I do understand depression, as I do have it (plus PTSD, obviously) and have experienced it; but it does have a root cause, at least in his eyes. The reason I'm hesitant to end the relationship isn't for him - it's for me, because he's not just my boyfriend, he's a very close friend.
doctoral program + long-distance relationship = epic suck
Been there, done that, twice. I think you'll find that you're both depressed soon enough. No easy answers at all, and frankly the prognosis for your relationship is not good at all. As others have pointed out, the most helpful thing to do without making major life choices is (a) find good therapist (b) consider medication (c) exercise exercise exercise (good for the mood and makes you both hotter for passionate visits)!
The good news is, once coursework is done, one or both of you might be free to relocate while you work on the diss.
You say you've never had depression you couldn't link to something in your life; well neither has he. He may feel like his feelings are emerging from nowhere, but depression is something that becomes so inextricably rooted in your past, and what your past makes you expect about the future. The two of you are better equipped to help each other than anyone else, and if you care about him, maybe you could spend more time talking about his life as a child and perhaps uncover some trauma in his past or at least figure out how and why he got trapped into the cycle of depression. It really is a cycle: the more depressed you get, the worse you feel about yourself for being depressed, and, particularly when you feel like there's no cause, the more you begin to feel like something must be the matter with you. If he can find something outside of himself to put the weight of his feelings on, he will have a much easier time of it.
On the other hand, depressed people can be terribly annoying to be around, and I can see why you would want to find a more stable and supportive partner. You have obviously been through a lot of hardships, and it can be incredibly rewarding to find someone whose life has given them reasons to trust people and hope for the best; it's almost like they give you some of their confidence and goodwill via osmosis.
Being in a relationship with someone in this situation is very difficult. You want to be there for them, and you will be. Sometimes those of us in his situation find it hard to really fully trust our significant others - the one person we want on our side may judge us, or see this as a red flag or something. This is definitely a hard spot in which to be, and there's no real answer on how to handle it. You're right; being in a LDR may be compounding the issue - without you physically by his side, he may feel that this one bright thing he has may be over at at any minute since a simple IM or text or E-mail (or phone call, at best) may end it. He's going to have to deal with that; the circumstances do not warrant you two being physically together at this time.
Also he was "just diagnosed" - this kind of upsets me. Have things gotten worse since his diagnosis? Don't let the label get him down - he's human just like all of us; no amount of labels should make that worse. And the diagnosis and you coming into his life are coincidental; keep that in mind. You didn't make him more depressed.
tl;dr - Long story short, you're in a tough spot. Don't lose yourself because this relationship is most likely not going to be the end-all-be-all of your life. However, you've shown some real human traits by giving a s* about this man. Be there for him - he is a human, too. But you are not going to 'fix' him. You are not going to 'make his life better. ' You being abused will skew your thoughts and actions (better or for worse) on how this should be handled. This problem is bigger than you, but if you are hellbent on helping, then do this: get him to talk about what the root issue is. I dont know him (we don't know him) so I cant tell you how to do it. But you can go from there.
If this sounds like a rant, or makes no sense, then perfect. Your situation makes no sense, because we cant be there to help in person. Be prepared to give all of yourself to this, and don't expect it to end perfectly. But a ton of us are here rooting for you - you sound like you have a big heart, and the whole of us should be so lucky to know someone like you.
i like how my tl'dr is as long as my initial statement. sorry :(
DTMFA. You're too far away to do him any good. If you can barely afford food, you certainly can't afford to burn energy on a relationship; you need to finish your degree and get a job -- easier said than done in this economy. He needs counseling and medication, and support from people who can physically be there for him. Hopefully losing you will be the kick he needs in that direction.
True. (When I say "just got diagnosed," I mean he got diagnosed six months ago. To me, that's a very short amount of time to be diagnosed and be treated with depression.) The whole "can barely afford three packs of ramen a day" was kind of a blunt assessment of my finances; I'm actually doing relatively well in school (I'm graduating a year early), I'm working, and as I stated before, I'm going into a highly sought-after field (biomedical research). The distance is temporary, as he's planning on moving much closer to where I am this summer, and
But yes, I agree that college+ldr=epic suck. I would not be doing it if I didn't feel the way I feel about him - the benefits are only barely worth the expense, and this is coming from someone who's been madly in love with the guy for a year and a half. And as for the tl;dr person, your advice was actually very helpful, as was everyone's (although DTMFA'ing him isn't an option right now - I don't know what I can do, but I don't want to dump him because he has a biochemical condition. That's like dumping someone because they became a paraplegic, and I do very much love him). He's actually brought a lot of good into my life - for instance, I have learned to trust men again, because he's had the opportunity to hurt me many times and has not done so - and he's supported me through a lot, including the post-abuse days in which I was in a similar situation and he wasn't in a relationship with me, which was probably harder for him.
By the way, we have worked this out. He's on Wellbutrin, and we have since figured out that his depression was caused by him feeling like a freak his entire life because he's... well, he's was/is kind of a genius (getting a doctorate's in mathematics!), and thus is different from other people. (Which is another reason why I love him. I can be as nerdy as I want without him being all weird about it.) He doesn't think I'm causing it, the therapist thinks I'm actually helping, which kinda makes no sense, and his family's beginning to help too. (I believe I sent this in like two months ago. Weird)
Anyone else have any input?
...but I'm in a similar situation, although on a smaller scale, and if anyone has advice it would help us all greatly.
Why does it make no sense that the therapist thinks you're helping? It sounds like your providing him with lots of emotional support - which is the best thing you could possibly do. Do you think you're contributing to his depression? (Because I can't see how that's possible, unless you're telling him he's worthless, etc which you are obviously not doing.)
I'm so glad that things are starting to work out with the medication, therapy, and family - that's so much progress right there.
There's a great book by Morin called The Erotic Mind, in which the author argues that attraction + obstacles = excitement (or, as some people experience it, "love"). Keep this in mind. A large part of your feelings toward this guy are probably due to the fact that he's so far away (both physically and psychically). It's great that you connect, but you're young. You'll find that there are lots of guys you can connect with just as well who don't present as many disruptive challenges to you. I know it sounds harsh, but there it is. "Love" feels great, but it isn't love. I don't mean to be dismissive of your feelings, but you shouldn't feel you owe him anything or get pulled into something by his vulnerabilities. Trust me, you're likely to regret it later.
I find it kind of great that my response and your diametrically opposed response are right next to each other! This is good crowdsourcing. I thought there might be a guilt and obligation factor -- that leads to resentment and bad things in general. But I did not find any trace of it in the OP's letters, which is why I responded the way I did.
I'm married to a nerdy, brilliant, chronically-depressed mathematician myself (15 years now). It can be hard going, but it's worth it. Think long and hard about the autism risks before you have children: every nbc-d mathematician I know, including mine, produced autistic kids (some of whom are delightful, others monsters). And there isn't much you can do. I get bouts of depression too, and my husband and I finally agreed to work from the premise that depression is, in fact, the "correct" state, where you are seeing things clearly: life is a long march to the grave, you will lose everyone you love unless you die first, injustice and cruelty are everywhere, and there is always more suffering in the future. When one of us goes down bad, we acknowledge the "truth" of depression together, and then we start talking about what kind of "medication" is going to bring us out of it enough to function (exercise, meds, friends, new clothes). Depression is brutal, but we found that trying to join the other one in that place worked better than trying to tell them that their feelings were wrong (because they aren't, sadly, and especially a logic-based person like a mathematician is not going to be convinced by some sunny "life is good" spiel). Our goal is to take away as much pain as we can, but mostly to just keep moving, and not fall into that terrible immobility. But getting function back is always our goal, not happiness. Happiness has always come back too, but we didn't make it the primary goal.
Honestly, it sounds like you are both smart, strong people and like you're taking the right attitude about this. More people need to remember that falling in love and entering into a relationship is not like buying a service. It's about giving, and it sounds like each of you has already been the main source of support for the other at different times in your lives. If you really love each other, you should commit yourself fully to the relationship -- even though it may still not work out. It sort of sounds as though you are feeling somewhat inadequate in your role, which is understandable, since your partner has a serious problem. It seems, though, that he's got medical care, and you are not attempting to take over the role of a doctor. I find it odd the you wonder if you are treating him too much like a friend rather than a boyfriend or vice versa. I suggest the word 'partner': it conjures up the image two people walking side by side and supporting one another. I feel lucky that I have not had to deal with the things you have. However, my husband and I both have a history of psychiatric issues, and it helps tremendously that each of us knows that the other will be there no matter what happens in the future. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, after having been abused, to love and give at all and to face the ordinary risk of having your heart broken. You have my admiration. Good luck!
I was with a depressive for 5 years. The best thing I did was leave. It took awhile to do so, but I did it. I felt the same as you --always justifying why I should stay, that I loved him and just couldn't leave. I felt responsible. I felt it was my fault. BUT IT WASN'T! I started to understand his condition (researched and read books on depression) and what caused him to become so. It wasn't external events, it was an imbalance of chemicals in his brain. As much as I wanted to help, I was only able to do so much, which didn't help much.
I know what it's like to be in love. And there's nothing I can tell you or anyone on this thread to make you leave even if that was the best choice. You're going to know it yourself. You're going to feel it. And that's when you're going to go.
I can't find who said it above, but stay with him and you're going to become depressed yourself (not his type of depression, but the type caused by external events --I'm sure neither feel good). You won't be happy! You're not obliged to him. I know how great you feel because of him and that you two click. I know when you're in love it seems that there's nobody else better. Think of your other relationships --they all felt the same way! Find someone locally that you click the same way with. Yes, I know it may take some time, it may seem impossible. But it has happened before and it will happen again.
Good Luck OP.
There are many causes for depression, some situational, some chemical, and some hereditary. Many people suffer from depression. It can be successfully treated or at least ameliorated where the person can have a pretty good daily outlook as you yourself are a testament to. The question is not really what you should do, the question is what is he doing? If he is seeking help, following the suggestions, working at improving his mental state...it seems clear you should stay with him either 3,000 miles a way or take a chance and move. If he is in denial or won't get help, nothing you can do will help him and you should probably save yourself the grief and frustration and break up with him. It sounds like he is getting treatment if he received a diagnosis. This is a very good sign. Each of us is ultimately responsible for our own mental health. If he is taking charge of his, it shows he wants a better future and probably a better future with you.
You deserve lightness and happiness in your life. Life is too short. The years roll by so quickly. Love him, but leave him. Don't be co-dependent. This is coming from the depressed guy in the relationship.
I don't really see a problem here... he is depressed, yes, and his mood dipped lower after y'all were separated (understandably,) but that doesn't mean its a problem. My depression also goes through peaks and valleys, its just the nature of the beast, it isn't cause for worry or alarm. There is a big difference between being depressed and being suicidal, I wouldn't worry about him, just keep communicating how much you love him and everything will work out okay. And, damn, woman, go spend more than a few weeks with the man before you commit any further! It's true that you can have great communication via Skype/texting/etc but there is absolutely no substitute for in-person contact. People are very different IRL than online, go visit him ASAP!
It looks like it has been a couple months since you posted your situation and question. How are you doing? Are you still together? Is he doing better?
I am dating a quy who is depressed. His whole family sufferes from depression. He is seeking help and making changes like trying to get a full nights sleep, exersizing more, eating right, taking his vitamins. We have been dating for 3 years - moved in together a year ago. I feel very selfish in thinking that maybe I am not strong enough to support him. I see that he is trying and yet I can't help but feel alone, helpless, and in pain for watching him hurt so much. There is so much love between us. When he is not in a deep dark depression I feel like I have a partner who I want to travel the worl with, evenually marry and have kids with. I want a happy and healthy family and he does too!
How do I support him? How do I get over my selfish thoughts? How do I make the right decision for me, he, and our future together or appart?
- Utterly Confused
Sorry! I haven't read this for a while.
Yes, we're still together. (Long story short, his depression did have a cause, and we're working towards fixing it.) The advice I'd give to you is that your doubts will still be there once he's okay if they're valid; don't break up with your boyfriend until you know your doubts extend beyond the depression, because it's not always going to be the same as it is now.
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I never felt so strong. I can feel the spell working through me and I feel so positive again. It's like I got a second chance to undo what I did to her. Thank you so much . Best regards Eddie
Now you say something