Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life

Cosmo and Men's Health on keeping your breasts minty-fresh.

BY BEN REININGA

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

Midsummer is a hot, lazy time. Everyone's either on vacation or wishing they were, including our good friends in the magazine world. Luckily, you only need a few things to run a successful men or women's magazine: the belief that men and women are irreconcilably different, a love for the words "naughty" and "juicy" (and about 700 synonyms for same), and no qualms about re-ordering the same content into endless numbered lists.

This month, as we sit at the proverbial poolside gazing at our boy- and girlfriends, we realize we have no idea what the fuck is going on inside their heads. Since it's much too hot to actually speak to them, we can only lean back and reach for the nearest periodical. Please join us, readers, for a helter-skelter dash into the minds of the opposite sex, courtesy of Cosmo and Men's Health.

Cosmopolitan:

In Cosmo-land, men are both the fount of all meaning in life, and also childish, pig-headed, and entirely impossible to understand. (Also in Cosmo-land, "charcoal is the new leopard," whatever that means.) Fortunately, Cosmo's intrepid researchers have dug deep into the masculine brain, and this month, they publish "the juicy results," which "will give you the power to read your man's mind:"

Wondering "which hoo-ha hairstyle is sexiest?" Men prefer "a landing strip" to "a neat V." (But seriously, grown women. Refer to your vagina as a hoo-ha, or if necessary, your "naughty spot.") Want to get things going? Eighty-seven percent of men like to start with oral sex. Remember, "as you move your mouth up and down his shaft, rotate your hand in a corkscrew motion while spiraling your tongue in the opposite direction." Got that?

Also useful: fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men — a totally useful piece of advice if you and ninety-nine friends are preparing to blow 200 men of unknown marital status and are forbidden from speaking.

Worried that he'll cheat? Psychologists are finally pinpointing warning signs that a guy will stray:

• "If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!"

• "Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he'll trash your relationship too." (But what if he "litters" your room with naughty love notes?)

• "Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network — he may need constant attention."

Extra tip! Follow fast-food chains on Twitter to learn about deals like two-for-one cheeseburgers — guaranteed to make any man go nutty. (Women — you may not eat cheeseburgers.)

And finally, looking to reward him? "Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity...but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face." In fact, please say exactly that: "My lips can't resist your delicious beer-flavored face."

Men's Health:

In turn, this month, Men's Health is full of insights into the mind of Woman. Female readers, you might want to skip this part. (You don't come off very well.)

"Seventy-five percent of women say that their husbands or boyfriends are their main source of confidence." MHM doesn't specify in what sense they mean this, but it seems clear. Seventy-five percent of women suck. Or are stuck in 1951. Or this is actually just meant to make men feel good.

Another poll asks, "What gift would your girlfriend be happiest to receive?" The answers are: "Great oral sex — 58.3%; Designer high heels — 24.2%; A puppy — 17.5%;" So that's women; they like sex and shoes and little dogs, in that order.

Moreover woman's brain "can't differentiate between the external anxiety caused by a novel situation and the internal anxiety caused by being attracted to someone." To turn her on, they suggest couples' trivia. "The point is to add a distinct but manageable touch of danger to the day. It will stimulate dopamine in her brain, which can trigger her sex drive." You might, for example, give her a dagger and lock her in a room with one manageably-sized wolf.

Here's another tip, via an MIT study (science!): "Reinvent yourself outside the bedroom and you could help refresh her passion inside it." In other words, you should probably buy new clothes or start littering.

Common ground:

At this point, you might wonder why you're even bothering with this enterprise known as heterosexuality. It sounds pretty awful. Women are busy practicing insanely complicated oral sex moves, while men are plotting ways to scare the shit out of them. Fortunately, however, there are a few approaches approved for both genders.

Cosmo: "Purchase a jar of edible body paint. Just [think] about a fun event (like going all Picasso on a naked man)."

MHM: "Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth."

Cosmo: Pour some peppermint oil onto your cleavage. "Studies have found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: Your boobs will smell extra fresh."

MHM: "Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal."

A mutual love of minty-fresh boobs! Either the "scientists" Cosmo and MHM are always quoting have finally found some common ground between the irreconcilable genders, or our suspicions are true: these magazines are all written by the same people.