Savage Love

I can only get turned on by women with very specific attributes. Am I a jerk?

By Dan Savage

I suppose you are going to call me an asshole once you have finished reading my letter, but I hope you have some advice for me regardless.

I am a forty-five-year-old heterosexual male. My last relationship lasted nearly seven years. I am currently single. I am discouraged. One of the reasons for my discouragement: I have to get too far into a relationship before I can determine if it will work out with any particular woman. An awful lot of emotion, time, and effort are required to get that first look into a woman's panties. And this is where my problem lies. A woman can have the sweetest personality, she can be pretty and hardworking, but if her pussy isn't bald and her "little man in the boat" doesn't fit comfortably in my mouth, I am NOT turned on. I require a shaved pussy and a big clit.

I have asked women with whom I've become close to go bald. If the answer is no, there is no need to return. I respect a woman's control over her own body, of course, but I like a big clit. She may or may not be bald, but if the clit isn't big enough, there's no sense in returning. I have heard women say that they were disappointed to find that a man's dick was too small or too large, or they didn't like that it curved to the left or right. Do I have a right to a similar preference? What do I do? Is there a way to ask about these issues before emotion, time, and effort are invested?

— Call Me Asshole

Knowing that she could be disqualified due to the size of her clit, which she can do nothing about, or the presence of pubic hair, which she can do something about (but might not want to), is information a woman might want before she invests a lot of emotion, time, and effort in you, CMA. Or any emotion, time, and effort. But there's literally no way to ask a woman to show you her clit or to verify either her "baldness" or willingness to go bald in advance of that crucial first date. Even women with six-inch clits who suffer from neck-down alopecia (credit: www.tinyurl.com/5vle95) are going to run screaming after hearing a request like that.

Don't get me wrong, CMA: it's a fine thing to have preferences, to be aware of them, and to be able to articulate them. And most people would prefer to be with someone whose preferences roughly jibe with their attributes. But most of us would also like to think — even if it's not true — that our personalities are so winning that our partners would love us even if, say, our clits were tiny and our pubes towering.

So what do you do? Well, CMA, since being up-front about your very particular, deal-breaking preferences would result in your never seeing another pussy again in your life, I think you keep your mouth shut. You're just going to have to date and invest the time. And then if you discover once you get into her pants that her clit is too small or her pussy is too hairy, CMA, just make up a nice, polite, it's-not-you-it's-me lie. It wouldn't be fair to leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her when in actual fact there's something wrong with you.

Kinky female here, age twenty-six. For as long as I've been sexually active, I've been ridiculously turned on by guys with huge cocks. I love the way they look and feel in my hands and when they're inside me. This isn't to say that I'd date a guy purely on cock enormity alone; I wouldn't. But I'm not sure what to do about my current situation: I'm dating someone now who shares my same values — he's flamingly liberal and actually enjoys RuPaul's Drag Race — but we don't have the greatest sexual chemistry. Some of it's because he's pretty vanilla, although he's GGG, but a lot of it is that his dick is average. Sadly. Am I wrong to want a guy with the lower half of a horse? If so, can I retrain myself to accept, and even want, an average or below-average penis?

— Female Phallophiliac

You don't say how long you've been dating this guy, FP.

If you've been fucking him for a while and you still haven't found a groove, well, it might be best to move on. Liberalism and RuPaul's Drag Race are nice, but they're not enough to sustain a long-term romantic relationship.

But if you've been dating him a short time, FP, and there's been some noticeable improvement on the chemistry front, you might want to stick around. Sometimes the chemistry is there and obvious from the start; sometimes chemistry kicks into gear after a few weeks or months. If you dig him — and it sounds like you do — then he's worth the investment of a little time. As for the little dick, well…

How big is his forearm?

I'm a partnered gay man who happens to have a small cock. When I was younger, I was often embarrassed, but I have gotten used to it and I can't change it and I know how to enjoy it now.

Among my friends, small-dick jokes are common. Not directed at me, but generic jokes and comments suggesting that guys with small dicks aren't real men, or should always bottom, or aren't worth dating. Stuff like that. And it has begun to make me feel much more self-conscious, especially since a couple of the guys I've heard making these jokes are intimately familiar with my cock. They know I'm small. It wasn't an issue, because they initiated the sex and wanted it more than once. I had a six-month fuck-buddy relationship with one of these guys and I topped him, so I know he didn't have an issue with my size.

So my dilemma is this: is this just some self-esteem issue that I've been unaware of and need to deal with? Or should I say something, at least to the two guys I've had sex with? They are my closest friends and know that I struggled with my size when I was younger.

— Sensitive Matters And Lessons Learned

You should definitely say something to the two ingrates you've had sex with, SMALL, and to anyone else who makes small-dick jokes in your presence. You don't have to volunteer to men you haven't fucked that you happen to have a small dick yourself. Just point out that in any group, there are going to be guys with smaller-than-average endowments and that it's just not cool to make those guys feel bad or inadequate — particularly when studies show that the partners of men with smaller-than-average dicks report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people whose partners have larger-than-average dicks.

STRAIGHT RIGHTS WATCH: Indiana's right-wing Republican governor signed a bill into law that strips Planned Parenthood in that state of federal funds. This is going to lead to more abortions in Indiana, not fewer, but facts don't matter to right-wing shit-piles like Mitch "Social Issues Truce" Daniels. Now would be a good time to make a donation — even if all you can afford is a small, symbolic one — to Planned Parenthood of Indiana. Go to www.ppin.org, and click "Donate Now!" Then do everything you can to defeat the GOP in 2012.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.