Joseph Gordon-Levitt's new movie, Premium Rush, sets a high-stakes game of political intrigue in the streets of New York City with bike messengers as the players. To commemorate JGL's steely calf muscles, we're taking it to the streets and asking bike messengers what about their jobs makes them so irresistible.
CJ, 22
What's the best reason to date a bike messenger?
You'll make a lot of friends really quickly. If you date your stereotypical bike messenger who’s involved in the scene, they'll take you out, and you can proceed to take care of them because they'll get blackout drunk by two p.m. Also, everyone has a lot of character and personality.
My boyfriend doesn't ride a bike, but I ride everywhere. I think he may be afraid. I'd be willing to teach him, but I'm tired of saying, "meet you there." How do I get him mobile without embarrassing him?
A) Stop giving him blowjobs. And, B) tell him to stop being a pussy. If the girl's going to ride a bike, so is the boy. So, tell him to take the thumb out of his asshole and get on a fucking bike, you asshole. Fuck you. I already hate you.
My boyfriend drinks too much. I used to go round for round with him, but recently, I've been trying to cut back. Now, going to the bar is boring. Do I have to ask him to give up beer in order for this to work?
Yes, absolutely. It's a failed attempt. You picked up a loser.
I don't like going down on my girlfriend, but she's really into it. Everything else is going great; is it fair for her to break things off because I don't do oral?
Yes. Sometimes you get yourself into a sticky situation. If you don't want to go down on home girl, then you're not going to have a good time. Sorry, pal.
I've been seeing this guy casually for a few weeks and I think I really like him. He just let me know that he has genital herpes. I appreciate his honesty, but I don't want to get infected. Is it fair to break up with someone because of a medical condition?
It’s fair. Herpes is pretty gross. I read this in a book, but STDs aren't cool, bottom line.
I met a guy at a party and we've hung out a few times. He's cute, but he has awful breath. We have a lot in common, but I can't stand him breathing on me. Is there a way to tell him without ending the whole thing?
Push him off of a bridge, because good dental care is very important. I once ditched a girl because she had plaque in her teeth and it looked like she clearly hadn't brushed for weeks. Needless to say, I never called her again. She moved back to Portland.
My boyfriend has a dog so he insists I stay at his house when we spend the night together, but he refuses to buy an air conditioner. I have one in my room and don’t want to share his sweaty bed. Is it fair to tell him we'll just have to sleep separately this summer if he won't give in?
Perhaps you can bring the dog to your house? Is that so much of an issue? Are you a crazy cat woman? Bring the dog over to his house or bring the AC to his. You want to get laid, he wants to get laid — you’ve got to pet the dog.
NEXT: "People get kind of cheesily star-struck and try to ask you weird shit about it…"
Jenessa, 25
What's the best way to pick up a bike messenger?
I don't know if I can tell you the best way, but I can tell you the worst, which is when people come up to you and say "Oh, so you're a bike messenger," and they get kind of cheesily star-struck and try to ask you weird shit about it. The best way is just the same as with any human being — be cool, be yourself, and don't try too hard.
What's the best reason to date a bike messenger?
We're good on the street, so we'll be good in bed, right? We're all adrenaline junkies. We're kind of wild, so we'll be crazy lovers. You can take care of us because we have no money. And we're kind of a family, so we have a lot of community and a lot of friends and there's always something going on.
What has being a bike messenger taught you about sex?
Take chances. Being a bike messenger is kind of scary sometimes, but you just have to do it. You've got to take chances in sex if you want to have really good sex. You have to take chances on the street if you want to get it done. And pedaling faster is not always the answer.
My boyfriend doesn't ride a bike, but I ride everywhere. I think he may be afraid to ride. I'd be willing to teach him, but am tired of saying, "meet you there." How do I get him mobile without embarrassing him?
Tell him it's a way to save money— it's $2.25 a swipe on the train — and also a good way to stay in shape. Why wouldn't you want to? I'd play it on the sly and tell him, "You look really sexy on that bike," or "I really like it when we ride together." You can kind of pad his ego a little, Pavlov's-dog style. If he really doesn't want to ride a bike, I'm going to go with Dan Savage and say DTMFA.
I don't like going down on my girlfriend, but she's really into it. Everything else is going great; is it fair for her to break things off because I don't do oral?
What is your problem, dude? No one loves having a cock in their mouth. Well, some people do, I guess, but if you really care about the person, you make a little bit of a sacrifice. Whatever your hang-up is, she's putting her face on your cock, which I think is worse because guys sweat more. If she's willing to go down on you, then come on, man, a vagina's not that gross. Think positive.
My girlfriend wants to cut her hair short, but I really like ladies with long hair. I know it's ultimately her decision, but I think as her boyfriend I should have some say. Am I being a controlling prick?
Yes, enough said. It's the twenty-first century — we're all equal here. Let the woman cut her fucking hair.
I've been seeing this guy casually for a few weeks and I think I really like him. He just let me know that he has genital herpes. I appreciate his honesty, but I don't want to get infected. Is it fair to break up with someone because of a medical condition?
You're probably not going to be with him forever, but you will have herpes forever. If you really like the guy, consider sticking it out. If you think it's going to be a fling, then why put yourself at risk?
NEXT: "You can be as dirty as you want to be and nobody's going to care…"
Victor, 34
What's the best way to pick up a bike messenger?
Ask them if they want to ride around the park and drink beer after work.
What's the best reason to date a bike messenger?
It won't work if you're both messengers, because neither of you will have any money. But messengers are uninhibited and spontaneous. You'll go to a lot of parties. You might never go home from your first date.
What has being a bike messenger taught you about sex?
You can be as dirty as you want to be and nobody's going to care.
My boyfriend doesn't ride a bike, but I ride everywhere. I think he may be afraid to ride. I'd be willing to teach him, but am tired of saying, "meet you there." How do I get him mobile without embarrassing him?
You have to offer to ride with him. Or take a cab and show him the bill. Show him how much you'll save if you ride bikes. Show him it's faster. Also, tell him it's romantic to ride a bike together.
My boyfriend drinks too much. I used to go round for round with him, but recently, I've been trying to cut back. Now, going to the bar is boring. Do I have to ask him to give up beer in order for this to work?
You want to have fun at a bar and not drink? Drink apple cider and play pool. Or fuck the bar and have sex instead. Go back and forth between the sex and beer.
I've been seeing this guy casually for a few weeks and I think I really like him. He just let me know that he has genital herpes. I appreciate his honesty, but I don't want to get infected. Is it fair to break up with someone because of a medical condition?
Hell yeah, I don't want herpes either. I don't want to be scratching myself. Don't tell him you're breaking up with him because of that. Find another reason. Tell him it's not working out.
I don't like going down on my girlfriend, but she's really into it. Everything else is going great; is it fair for her to break things off because I don't do oral?
No. Just say, “I don't go down — take it or leave it.” She can find some other guy to do it. I'm all about cheating. You're not married, right?
I met a guy at a party and we've hung out a few times. He's cute and we have a lot in common, but he has awful breath. I want to try to keep seeing him, but I can't stand him breathing on me. Is there a way to tell him without ending the whole thing?
Give him a piece of gum. I don't go home for days sometimes and I need somebody to tell me my breath is bad.
My girlfriend wants to cut her hair short, but I really like ladies with long hair. I know it's ultimately her decision, but I think as her boyfriend I should have some say. Am I being a controlling prick?
Yes.
