Sex Advice From Circus Sideshow Performers

Sword swallowers, fire eaters, and other self-described “freaks.”

By Alex Heigl

Photo By Laure Leber

Fred Kahl, 46

What's great about sleeping with someone in the sideshow?
I bet the most popular answer is "freaky sex." (Insert your favorite sword-swallower joke here.) But honestly, sex with sideshow performers isn't all that different from sex with regular folks, except that maybe performers are more outgoing and less inhibited.

Has performing in the sideshow ever gotten you laid?
Yes. It’s even gotten me married twice! The first time I married the Fire Eater. It was great for a while, until she turned out to be a jealous freak and threatened to spit fire on anyone I even looked cross-eyed at. The second time round, it was to a fan, and this time I think I got it right. We have a great relationship and are well matched in the sack. She's not upset if I check out other women because she knows we have a great relationship and she's got nothing to worry about. As I always say, "Even if you're on a diet, it's okay to look at the menu." 

Do you prefer to date outside the sideshow, or do us "normies" not do it for you anymore?
My wife is a "normie,” but behind closed doors she's a super freak. Just kidding, but we try to keep it interesting. I think the secret to any successful relationship is to keep the ego in check and always make sure your partner is satisfied. 

How does being a sideshow performer typically go over with the parents?
It took some getting used to. 

Has being a sideshow performer ever been a dealbreaker for someone you were seeing?
Some people get visibly turned off once I start hammering nails and ice picks up my nose. I figure if they're still interested after they see my act, they're worth pursuing.

I'm involved in an office romance. Should I out it to the rest of the office or let it continue quietly?
I'd say keep it on the down low and advise you not to mix business and pleasure. I know it didn't work out too well when I married the Fire Eater. What do they say — don't shit where you eat?

My girlfriend wants me to pose for some sexy pictures. She maintains that they will be just for us, but she's got a photo blog — and I worry that’s where they’ll end up if we break up. What should I do?
If you ever think you will want to run for a public office, don’t do it. Otherwise, go for it, but plan on them getting posted someday! 

If "the sideshow" were a sex position, what would it be like?
Scissoring in front of voyeurs.

I suspect my girlfriend is faking orgasms — should I confront her?
Yes. You are responsible for your partner's happiness! Just be careful to keep your conversation non-threatening, because she may feel inadequate and insecure if she's not able to have an orgasm with you. It's important for her to feel she can trust you so she can let go. 

I've been letting my one-night stands turn into month-long crappy dating experiences because I can't confront the guys and let them know it's not working. How can I "man up?"
Whoa. Man up and move on. Life is too short to waste your time like that. Also, maybe you're giving it up too easily? If you're just looking for sex, a one-night stand is fine — it's about immediate gratification and nothing more. But if you're looking for a relationship, a good rule of thumb is to never sleep with someone until after the third date. If they make it that far, you know they're really interested.