Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life

This month: Maxim and Cosmo on cheating.

by ben reininga

Little known fact: March is infidelity month. The holidays have come and gone, and that little boost of Valentine's Day romance faded sometime last week. But it's still cold, dark, and miserable, with weeks to go until spring. Even the movies suck this time of year. Which means there's no better time to give in to your cheating urges. According to extramarital dating site AshleyMadison.com, the year's biggest boost in membership comes in the last weeks of February — hard proof that in these dreary times, if there's sunshine to be found, it's in the pants of a coworker.

In such dark days, where else would we turn for guidance but to those bastions of common sense, the men's and women's print magazines? If you assume that the men who read Maxim and Men's Health date the women who read Cosmo and Glamour (and we do!), it's going to be a pretty tumultuous month, jam-packed with sex, lies and totally inane advice:

Sleep with one eye open:
This month, magazines on both sides of the Y-chromosome have come up with ways to deduce whether or not your lover is a two-timing cad. Surprisingly, none of them involve "asking," a personal fave. But then again, what fun is that, when you can rustle through his dirty clothes looking for clues every time he steps out of the house? Fortunately, these tips are practically foolproof. Unfortunately, about 90% of them could also be called "Things a Good Lover Does:"

— Watch out for "sudden changes in behavior or appearance (for the better)." (MHM)

— "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why." (Cosmopolitan)

— "When a man's girlfriend is cheating, she'll start to make obvious attempts to increase his satisfaction in the relationship." (MHM)

— And be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or "spending more time at the gym." (Cosmopolitan)

In other words, the only way to know that your partner is being faithful is if he or she's moody and out-of-shape, a dickhead with poor personal hygiene. If your girlfriend cooks you dinner or tells you you're looking nice, she is having steamy sex with every single one of her office-mates. If your boyfriend cooks you dinner AND tells you you're looking nice, he is literally Tiger Woods. But then again, it's March and you're in a relationship with the opposite sex — what did you expect?