 
To date or not to date in the workplace? That is the question! I think it's foolish to broadly eliminate workplace-dating options, as most people in their twenties and thirties (and beyond) spend the majority of their lives at their jobs.
 
I say no. And it's not for any corporate reason. If some company thinks it hurts their bottom line, or workplace productivity or something, fine, but I've never worked at a place with any kind of policies like that. In fact, I've never worked at a company with any type of policies, except maybe "don't murder people at work," and that was more of a guideline, really.
Ha ha. We're pretty murderous over here if people don't make a fresh pot of coffee once they've emptied it.
The fact that you spend the majority of your life at your job is, in fact, one of the main reasons not to date within the workplace. Most people break up with way more people than they stay with. So ask yourself: how many of those people would you want to see for up to eight hours a day, every day? Your usual breakup strategy of claiming to have joined a convent wouldn't work at all.
I never claimed to have joined a convent. I claimed to have moved to California suddenly. Sure, people do break up more often than they stay together — but that argument assumes that you're only dating in your office. It's not like you're going to run from Mike the Xerox Guru to Dave in Accounting post-haste.
The point is, one person or the other in a breakup usually isn't happy about seeing the other person afterwards. And if you work together, it's impossible not to.
It's easy to create stringent rules around dating. But the heart wants what it wants. Sure, it would suck to break up with a coworker. Of course you'll die a little inside every time you accidentally both go to get coffee at the same time, or if he's flirting with that bitch from accounting at the water cooler. But it's not that different from dating in your group of friends. Or dating in a small town. There are always risks in opening up your heart. At the workplace it can be high-risk, but also high-reward.
You just have to be smart about it. And mature. If you are an immature drama-magnet and constantly need your significant other's undivided attention, this is not for you. Sometimes the legal brief/Excel spreadsheet/E.R. patient will be more important than you.
All the maturity in the world won't make that breakup any more pleasant. Bosses start to hear about the drama (worse still if the boss is the one you've been boffin') and that is like the most unpleasant conversation in the world. "So... It's none of my business, but whatever she did to you, we can't have you sneaking in and changing her screensaver to 'WHORE' every time she steps away from her desk..."
"Can you just stop crying in the lunchroom?"
Okay, let's just step back a moment, before we get to the "replacing Splenda with cyanide" moments. I'll admit I'm biased, as I met my boyfriend through work.
The mechanics of the relationship at work can be weird, too. Suddenly you're ditching your sales department buddies to go have a salad with your woman? You know what those pricks are saying about her over their Chick-Fil-A.
Ha ha. Well, this is where we need rules about dating in the workplace. But first — let me tell you why I think the right people should.
Okay. Who are the right people?
Well, the right people are — first and foremost — those who feel an undeniable attraction to a coworker. Now, depending on your personality and medication levels, "undeniable attraction" can be translated differently. But I'd like to think you're not boning your married boss. You have to be super-wary of power-dynamics.
If breaking up with a co-worker could get you fired, then you need to think long and hard about it. But in my situation, I liked my boyfriend for months before I made a move. We took it slowly, got to know each other. We were both totally wary about dating a co-worker. We worked together for a year before we were finally like — this is insane. I want you, you want me, and we've been feeling this way for a sustained period of time.
And then we dated in secret, which I highly recommend. We didn't flirt during meetings, we didn't show favoritism — and let me tell you, secret sex after hours is awesome.
Yeah, that's the only way to do it. It's much hotter when you're keeping that secret. But the fact is, everybody knows.
How so? You think?
Yeah. They know. Somebody sees you pulling apart as the elevator door opens. He compares notes with the woman who saw you with the home-pregnancy kit in your purse. Somebody notices you were both late and conspicuously happy that Tuesday.
I'll admit eventually people got suspicious. And we were caught out at concerts together. I think in my heady, first-falling phase back then, even that was exciting. Did they catch us?! No, they couldn't have!
Yeah, and that's a part of it. Getting caught is not an argument against it. I'm just saying, people know.
But again: we never let it affect us at the office.
Yeah? He wouldn't have overvalued your skills if he were asked about whether you were fit for a promotion? Or undervalued them to appear impartial? And either way, if you didn't get the promotion, you wouldn't have wondered what he said?
And again, during the relationship isn't the hard part. What if somebody who's just been dumped is up for that promotion? The boss who dumped them isn't going to help them out out of guilt? And you know, these are all the corporate, law-suity reasons not to boink people at work, but really, the normal dynamics are weird enough.
Okay, he might have been partial to me. But I am pretty fabulous. And I might have been partial to him. Thankfully, neither one was signing the other's paychecks.
Maybe there should be a list of rules. If one of the other partners' is in a superior position, it's — technically — sexual harrassment. And if you're an intern and the sixty-year-old founder of the company is showing an interest in you, watch out.
But what if your office crush would turn out to be one of the great loves (if not greatest) of your life? What if in five years you won't remember the details of the job, but you'll still be holding hands — or boinking — that person? It's all a calculated risk.
Sure. All the good HR-department stuff is in play there. But, ignoring that, everything changes once you've seen the person naked. Y'know, is that pitch meeting going to work the same way, if, every time you speak, your former fuck-buddy isn't just thinking, "That's a tired idea," she's also thinking about the time you asked her to pee on you?
There should be a six-month waiting period. If your attraction to your co-worker lasts longer than a change in season, there might be something there.
As Rose Castorini once said, "Don't shit where you eat."
Love Moonstruck. But look at that movie — Cher (I can't believe we're invoking Cher here) followed her heart. Not her mind.
And she ended up with a one-handed wolf man. Good times.
For all our capacity to plan and strategize, you can't play it safe in love. You can construct a series of logical boundaries to prevent your heart from being broken — but that can also constrict the heart. Sometimes great love and great sex are worth a calculated chance. Just make sure it's not the married CEO and you're not the intern.
You just have to be have your resume ready for when the hot little number in accounting tells her whole department that you cried the first time the two of you had sex.
You mean not everyone cries the first time they have sex?
I don't even worry about the whole power thing, really. Sex changes all of that... at least as soon as somebody gets tied up.
Everyone wants an executive in the boardroom and a hot-slutty stud in the bedroom. But dating in the workplace means you might get both!
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CW commented on 12/14
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