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10 Facebook Statuses That Will Make You Undateable

Anything about your crippling loneliness or #falseflag suspicions


Amanda Bynes has been disseminating some lethal Twitter updates lately. To wit: “I want @drake to murder my vagina.” Murder my vagina? I expected more from the woman who once curated Hillbilly Moments. Three shots of Cazadores says she did not get that date.

Which got me thinking (and admitting), we totally judge potential dates on their Facebook and Twitter statuses. Being overly verbal myself, I seem to have developed a Pavlovian sexual response to the well-developed status. Slam-dunks include insightful and original takes on social issues, tales of homeless men with chaps made of sweatpants on the subway, and nearly any link to our contemporary Gogol, Louis CK. But, between these gems are alternating Facebook statuses so shrewdly misfired that I am left with both heart and fly boarded up. Statuses so obnoxious or misguided that they leave vaginas sandpapery and penises fainting-couch-limp. In order to shake that, here is a list of ten types of statuses to avoid if you’re looking for any future romantic engagements with anyone other than Amanda Bynes.


1) The Self-Loather

Nothing is less attractive than someone who has absolutely no confidence and is tirelessly lamenting their life and relationship status. It's that whole mom-endorsed "you can't love anybody until you love yourself" truism. Being honest is an attribute, but I don't think that includes waxing on about your jaundice or crippling loneliness.


2) The Conspiracy Theorist

Wouldn't you like a steamy date with boy-who-cried-fake-wolf, Alex Jones? Last week he filled the douchebag throne in the wake of the horrific Boston bombings. This is the type of dude that would check your criminal records  and square footage with the DateCheck app. There's a place and time for people who constantly question accepted truths, but they are not "now" and "in your bed".


3) The Constant Sarcastic

Apathy and sarcasm look really cute at first, but after six months, man, that's gonna wear you down. Statuses like these are often accompanied by live reenactments of Seinfeld episodes and dispassionate views about ice cream and soon, your entire relationship. 


4) The Quotidian

Oh, minutiae! 2:43: Looks down at feet. 2:44: Thinks about typing. 2:45: Types a little more of this article. 2:46: Decides to get the hell out of this relationship.


5) The Casual Misogynist

I am so happy this person finally made it to the internet so that I could approach them for a date. I have a feeling like he will respect me and enjoy my company a lot. Because I am a woman. 


6) The Hypocrite

Facebook, the great soap box of our time. But you don't want to be the person or with the person who ends up unwittingly rallying against themselves. There are mouths to feed and a globe to unwarm, and this person will complain about all of it over their social media while simultaneously doing jack shit from an office chair.


7) The Self-Promoter

I understand that sometimes you have to promote your concerts/writing/flea circus on social media (guilty as charged), but when people clog up my News Feed with their shameless self-promotion and don't even have the decency to sometimes comment about Mad Men, I hide them. That much self-concern doesn't normally translate to a healthy, double-sided relationship.


8) The Pseudo-Intellectual

This is the type of person that trolls Tumblr in search of profound quotes from literature in order to, well, copy and paste a dense wall of text into their Facebook status in the hopes of impressing you. No commentary. No quip. On a date,  this person asks if you've read some piece in the New Yorker. When you ask what they thought of it, they stare off into space and after a few moments of silence, profoundly announce, "I liked it."


9) The Tepid

With language this pithy, you have only to look forward to long afternoons of clipping your toenails while your significant other groans about being bored. Conversation peaks at sudoku puzzles and discussions of controversial topics like, "Will it rain?" Let's bring in Mom-ism #2: Only the boring get bored.


10) Human Spam

You guys, I don't think this is fake. This person is a well-rounded individual with deep cognitive processes who won't send you forwarded chain mail. I think you should ask for their number.


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