Romantic High

Romantic High comes in a green package and boasts the promise of heightened romantic and sexual feeling. I poured myself a mug of water, nuked it for a minute in the microwave, and added two packets of Romantic High. It wasn’t so much a tea as it was a smelly beige powder. The water turned a sickly green when I added the two packets and it smelled akin to the rung-out bra of a large-breasted woman or the bottom of a Chaise lounger after a holiday. It tasted shockingly dull, compared to the smell; almost indiscernible from green tea.

There were no immediate effects and I downed the mug within a ten-minute span. I sat down on my bed, opened a book, and waited for something to happen. The first thing I noticed was an elevated heart rate, accompanied by racing thoughts. It felt like I was being chased by a large dog or a medium-sized raccoon. I was antsy, nervous, and couldn’t sit still to save my life. I gave my dongle a couple of tugs to see if I noticed any change, but was met with the typical neutral fleshy phallic sigh I was all too familiar with when attempting boredom-fueled masturbation. As I waited for results, I began to focus on my breathing in an attempt to lower my heart rate and, because of that, grew relaxed, sleepy, and took a nap. An hour later I woke up, sans boner, and declared Romantic High a bust.

China Mong Num

China Mong Num comes in a beige package with a man flexing his muscles and, I assume, sporting a hidden erection. While purchasing this product, I spoke with an extremely testy, ancient woman who assured me, through broken English, that these pills would substantially increase my sex drive and promote kidney strength. I spent two days taking two pills each morning (again, twice the recommended dose) and waited for results. I was skeptical after my Romantic High ingestion and ensuing nap, but China Mong Num was surprisingly successful.

Perhaps it was the placebo effect of taking a pill where the packaging features a jacked Chinese fella, but honest to god, I felt a little stronger and substantially more badass. As far as dick-strength goes, arousal became a close friend. I felt as if I had more control over my little buddy and could increase (and oddly enough decrease) my downtown blood flow with the power of thought. Or maybe it was the power of love? It’s hard to say -- I played a lot of Huey Lewis during the couple of days I was on China Mong Num and that man’s voice is like aural pornography. Again, I’m never one to doubt the power of suggestion and could very easily blame the placebo effect for my increase in strength and virility--regardless, I’ll be continuing on with China Mong Num until it’s banned by the FDA. Totally joking--I’m positive it was never approved by the FDA.

Conclusion

I was surprised and unphased all at once. I didn’t think these pills would turn me into a superman horndog Genghis Khan of love, but I certainly didn’t think that some of these remedies would mirror my perceived effects of fucking crystal meth. The Romantic High was a bust, though I’m curious if it’s one of those things that work over the course of a few weeks. The China Mong Num was surprisingly effective, but more in the sense that it made me feel happy and, I think, helped my memory. A small part of me believes it aided in me becoming a sensational whistler, but a bigger part of me thinks I was just born a good whistler. The little black pill made me want to die and I hope the people who made it are all in prison. I’m sure these over-the-counter and hopefully illegal drugs work for some people in the ways they’re intended -- but for the future, I’m going to stick to good ol’ fashioned whiskey. Because like my great-grandfather said on his deathbed:

“If you're ever lookin' to get off, slam some gin down your talk-hole and party like your legs are on fire.” Of course, he died before I was born.