Stephanie, 26

What do you do for a living?
I'm a web producer for a TV show.

Does that every get you laid? 
I have a boyfriend, so I get laid quite often. But it's not my job that does it.

What gets you laid then? 
Being in a relationship and being horny often.

How often do you guys have sex? 
About five times a week. We've been together eight years.

Whoa! Five times a week after eight years.
Well, I really like him.

How do you keep it exciting after all that time? 
We did break up a couple times, for a year each time. So, I feel like we appreciate each other more since we know what it's like to lose each other. Each time, I dated other people, and none of them were as good as him in any way — even sex. So, we just appreciate each other and can't keep our hands off each other.

So, breaking up is the key to staying with someone? 
Exactly.

What do you say when you get hit on? 
I don't usually tell people right away that I'm in a serious relationship, but I would never give someone my phone number. I think it's totally okay to flirt and feel like you've still got it.

What are some tips you have for guys to keep things sexy in the bedroom after eight years? 
Well, I don't know if guys can control this, but my boyfriend can always get it up, so that makes me feel good. And he often molests me in the middle of the night, so that makes me feel good too. I guess the key is to make your woman feel wanted and beautiful. And keep yourself in good shape so you can do a good job during the action. No girl wants to have to be on top all the time because you don't have the energy.

Kellen, 31

What do you do for a living?
I'm a nanny.

And does that get you laid? 
Nope.

What does? 
My willingness to please.

Good answer! Are you pleasing someone lately? 
Not really.

How can a guy get your attention? 
A nice old car is a good start. I wish I were getting hit on more often. Ideally, I'd like a line that shows they think about the important things in life or current events.

So, your ideal guy would come up to you and ask you what you think about the Republican primary? 
We'd talk about the Keystone Pipeline, perhaps.

Uh, it sounds like you date some riveting folks. 
I'm just looking for a Jewish cowboy.

Does that exist? 
There are a few.

You just mean rugged, right? Not someone who actually lassos cows?
I mean... I have cows. My family has a cattle ranch by San Francisco. I'd love a guy who can hang out on the ranch, Davin a little, and hang out with the gays.

What's Davin? 
It's the way the Jews pray.

And your ranch has gays on it? 
Yep! It's a lesbian cattle ranch. My moms are lesbians. I have four lesbian moms. Two of them live on a cattle ranch. So, I need someone who's gonna assimilate. It's pretty hard to find.

Have you ever dabbled in lesbianism? 
I ate pussy in high school.

How did it taste? 
Salty? It wasn't my thing.

Blow jobs? 
Love 'em.

How do you think having lesbian moms has affected your sex life? 
I think I may have tried to overcompensate by being overly heterosexual. I was a whore in high school.

How about now? 
I wish I were getting laid more often. I feel like adulthood really puts a damper on your sex life.

Andrew, 45

I see you're wearing SpongeBob shoes. Do you have kids?
I have a daughter.

Does that affect your dating life? 
I don't date. I don't have time. Plus I'm taking a break from women. I have about two ex-wives already. The first one went and turned gay. And the other one just kicked me out a few months ago.

What's it like having two ex-wives? 
Expensive. Got married in Vegas twice. I won't get married in Vegas again. And if I ever do get married again, I will definitely do the pre-nup thing.

When you were standing at those two altars in Vegas, did you kind of know in the back of your mind that these women weren't the ones? 
Well... The first one, yes. We're both Australian, and it was my first year here in the U.S., so it was sort of a "safety in numbers" thing. And the second one... She was Canadian. I knocked her up. We couldn't have a little bastard running around.

Neither marriage was like, "Oh, I'm so in love and I can't wait to marry this woman?"
Not really. I had more hope with the second though. I was excited to have a baby.

And dating is on hold now? 
I can't afford it! I'm paying alimony and child support.

Who's better in bed: Americans, Australians, or Canadians? 
Oh, I don't know. I've been through a lot of looks at my age though. Everything from the take-the-pants-off-and-an-airbag-explodes-in-your-face to a Brazilian. You never know. Doesn't matter where she's from. But, my last wife was really fun because she liked girls too. We would have lots of fun picking up girls together.

How did you guys do that? At bars? 
No. There are places you can go. Websites. We were swingers for four years, and it was freakin' fantastic. I have to say, I've had the most amazing sex life. I had sex standing up in the lobby of the Hard Rock Hotel.

With your ex-wife? 
No. This was when I was young and virile.

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