I Make the Highly Original Choice of Falling for a Guy Who Treats Me Poorly
Kevin didn't have much time for me, but I took whatever I could get. I couldn't wait to have sex again and again and again. It was awesome. I was in love.
The feeling wasn't mutual. As it turned out, there's a reason thirty-year-olds sleep with nineteen-year-olds, and it's not because they're looking for something real. I beautified myself in my dorm room, checking the time and myself alternately all night for a date with him that never happened, and when I saw him next and accused him of sleeping with someone else that night, he just said, "It wasn't my fault, she tricked me," with an I don't give a fuck half-smile.
After six months of being his if-he-couldn't-find-anyone-
Not long after that my friend Kerry came to visit from Washington. Her hair now dreaded and multicolored, she told me all about Howard University and her life in D.C., i.e.,
"Crackheads are the best because you can get your whole lawn mowed for, like, two dollars."
She asked me how I was and I told her that I lost my virginity but the guy dumped me and I was devastated.
"Fuck that shit. I'm a female chauvinist."
"Um . . . huh?"
"I'm a female chauvinist. I tell a guy, ‘When I'm with you I'm with you, and when I'm not with you, you don't worry about where I am.' "
I was inspired. Kerry changed my perspective — changed the way I saw men and changed the way I saw myself, transforming me from prey to predator in one weekend visit. For the next two years I was on a rampage. I was a monkey swinging from vine to vine. I kept Noxzema in my bag because I never knew where I'd end up sleeping or whom with. (Book of Kerry: Never go to sleep with a dirty face.)
The following is a conversation between Kevin and me while I was writing this. I got in touch to make sure it was okay with him and to find out what he remembered.
----- Original Message -----
From: Sarah Silverman
To: Kevin Brennan
Sent: Tue, 10 Feb 2009 9:00 pm
Subject: Sarah Silverman
Alright, Kevin. Tell me about that night as well as you remember it. Unless you don't want to. Do you want to? Do you even remember? Whatever you can recall I'd appreciate. I'm Jewish, S
----- Original Message -----
From: Kevin Brennan
To: Sarah Silverman
Sent: Wed, 11 Feb 2009 3:38 pm
Subject: Got your message
Yes, I remember that night because when you became famous people would ask me about it so I would reminisce. The best part was after I asked you if you were a virgin because there was blood on the sheets and your response was "maybe it's your blood." Then I knew you were a virgin because guys don't bleed after sex (unless you're Mario Cantone, etc) and you would have known that if you had gotten laid before.
From: Sarah Silverman
To: Kevin Brennan
Sent: Wed, 11 Feb 2009 6:08 pm
Subject: Re: Got your message
I don't think you told me to buy you new sheets, but it seemed like a good ending, and though this is nonfiction, I decided it was completely in your character to do so. You did, after all, jump behind me to protect yourself. Remember? I got hit by a van that just barely stopped in time. Why is that "Wind Beneath My Wings" song suddenly in my head? xo sarah
From: Kevin Brennan
To: Sarah Silverman
Sent: Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:14 pm
Subject: Re: Got your message
Your version makes me sound cool and pathetic at the same time like that guy who scalps tickets in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Whatever happened to him? Also, the van didn't hit you, it only came close. And I only did it because I was taping MTV 1/2 Hour comedy hour that week so my life was more valuable than yours.
From: Sarah Silverman
To: Kevin Brennan
Sent: Thu, 12 Feb 2009 10:28 pm
Subject: Re: Got your message
Touche. Xo s
 |
From the book The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee by Sarah Silverman. Excerpted by arrangement with Harper, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers. Copyright © 2010 |
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Comments ( 33 )
"there's a reason thirty-year-olds sleep with nineteen-year-olds, and it's not because they're looking for something real." Love it.
Fantastic story, more Sarah on Hooksexup!
there's also a reason 19 years old sleep with 30 year olds. it would have been interesting in sarah had explored that angle too.
Who knew Kevin James was such a dick?!?
Am I the only one who was nauseated by this, in a weird way?
Wow. I don't think I know anyone who actually bled their first time. It's such a cliche. Guess it happens to some people...
I bled some my first time. Maybe like half a teaspoon. Not much.
NOBODY gives a rats ass about this unfunny person! Put her back in the friggin kitchen where she belongs!!!
Anything by Sarah Silverman is golden in my book. Glad to see her on Hooksexup.
Actually a pretty funny and self-conscious virginity loss piece. A little strange that a girl would go from handing someone a note begging for him to be nicer and, within a weekend, turn into a sex vixen. Strange, but not unheard of.
makes me want to watch fast times at ridgemont high
Best thing I've read on Hooksexup in a long time.
Sarah kicks ass. Loved the "...Rorschach-like pattern of blood. Like a red butterfly stamp..." could have been kind of a crap situation but it still looked like a butterfly to her :)
How come she doesn't list GREG THE BUNNY as part of her credits? That was a great show.
Greetings from Bedford/Peyton Place, BTW.
time for slut shaming! oh wait, it's sarah silverman, so i don't give a crap.
would things have been different if the "black polyester shirt with long shear sleeves" been "sheer" instead?
funny.
lame!!!!
Wow.. I'm stunned this is what you chose to share.. I am stunned so many people read it and appreciated it.. You americans really are that dumb. Idiocracy is happening as we speak.
Why.. what ever lead you to believe anyone is interested in this.. crap? There is nothing weird or funny or extraordinary in this story.. its a piece of crap about a real thing that happened to EVERYBODY!!! Maybe for some it was romantic or even cool but I haven't met any of those.. everyone says its a crappy moment. I don't get what the people who sent me this thought was funny.. its dull as life. borring as an american's chain of thought. what do I eat.. what do I drink.. Lame \ Cool..
embarrasing.. you should really think about doing the world a favor and quit.
As a man, i consider half a teaspoon to be quite a bit of blood to bleed. Doesn't happen often, unless you're an MMA fighter or Jarts player.
Idiocracy -- you are clearly one of these hopelessly nostalgiac euro-dorks who can't stop thinking about the time, centuries ago, when your nation was at the center of the world. And actually created cultural products that the rest of the world wanted to consume. I know it confuses and pains you, but people today prefer sardonically confessional real life experiences to the stilted musings of Kant, Hegel and Flaubert. Better not to try to understand it, better to cuddle up with an old book inside your crumbling economy that subsist on tourist revenue.
Ok, that was too harsh, I love you cranky colorblind Europeans and your beautiful countries, but you really need to get over your middlebrow snobbery.
Sarah is a consistent source of the funny. And stories about fucking seem somehow to never get old, guess that's why I have been reading Hooksexup so long.
I cannot believe the asshole comments on here. It makes me feel sad about humanity.
To: enough euronostalgia.
I am not against blogs and social media. I am all for it. I like reading other people's views about problems that affect us all. But there is nothing interesting about this article. I know 5 girls who had it the same or worst. Its like I would tell you I crapped this morning after coffee.. its.. comon.. blunt.. NOT INTERESTING.
Idiocracy: you missed it. Flat missed it. Something in you doesn't have the ability to understand the words and the context. Is it cultural? Perhaps, but it appears to be you just lack what is necessary to understand a point of view. This point of view, to be specific. Move on if you can't comprehend.
this was surprisingly funny
sarah silverman is growing on me. I used to think she was just a goof.
Lots of people are missing the point. & that's that Sarah Silverman is a sad, lonely person desperate for affection/validation. It's why she's a comedian, why she posts stuff like this - but also why she can't have a stable relationship. As with a LOT of comics, psychiatric help would make her feel better - but it would stop her from being a comedian.
What's sad, is lonely people who have nothing better to do than insult someone they know nothing about. Except for what said person lets you know. Sad and pathetic. Before you jump in my ass, I'm not excluding myself.
Susan, I'm sure you'll be happy to know, she has sought psychiatric help. She would talk about her antidepressant use when she was dating Jimmy Kimmell on his show. Doesn't mean she's cured....
I bled for the first time while I was being ass-fucked by a ladyboy
Lame!
That's really thinking out of the box. Tkhans!
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