Hooksexup Dating poll: Would you give a romantic partner your passwords?
By Rachel KrantzMarch 24th, 2012, 12:00 pmComments (11)
Remember the good old days when people got caught cheating the old-fashioned way? You've seen it in movies — lipstick on the collar, another woman's perfume, maybe even a handwritten love note?
Well, thanks to things like Facebook and unlocked iPhones, we're now able to catch our partners in the act faster than ever before. So we asked Hooksexup Dating members: would you ever give a romantic partner access to your Facebook account or email?
Not that we're accusing you of having something to hide or anything, but a whopping 70% of you answered "No, privacy's important."
You have your reasons. One Hooksexup Dating user commented, "My brother is now divorced. 'Nuf said." Another user said, "I've given my password to friends before, but I would never if a partner demanded it." Maybe it's less a case of having something to hide, and more about wanting someone to trust you not to hide anything.
30% of you said they would share their passwords because they have nothing to hide. One user said, "Just did it actually," while another said it was a non-issue because "why would I put secrets on something designed to share information?" Another Hooksexup Dating member said they'd share their password, "but I would be bummed if someone actually asked for it." Point taken. You give someone your heart, and they ask for your login in return. Kind of a buzzkill.
Want to find someone who won't ask for more than your digits? Try Hooksexup Dating.
Commentarium (11 Comments)
Never give ANYBODY your passwords.
Giving someone access to your email/social networking accounts isn't just giving away a bit of your own privacy (which you've every right to do) but also giving away the privacy of everyone who unsuspectingly sends a message to you, not you and your partner/mother/boss/overlord. At least put a note in your email signature warning that any reply will be subject to marital oversight!
But isn't that true regardless of whether the recipient gives someone his/her password or not? Once you send something to anyone, it's out of your control and can wind up anywhere. Think that Montana judge who sent the offensive "joke" about Obama's mother got tripped up because someone he sent it to shared their password with someone else?
Actually my partner and I just swapped FB passwords last week. I thought through all my messages, and I realized there was nothing I had ever sent that I wouldn't want him to see. We tell each other everything already, so there was nothing to hide (the beauty of long distance is developing awesome communication). I went on his and looked through some pictures his family had posted that I wasn't able to see otherwise, but that was it! I'd be surprised if he even bothered to remember mine.
I can't imagine giving mine to anyone else though. Nor would I be keen on demanding a password from someone or someone demanding mine. I wouldn't want to feel like my partner didn't trust me, and I don't want to send that message to him.
If you can't/don't trust the one your with, then their handing you their passwords isn't going to save you both (from your lack of trust) down the road.
If you trust them, why do you need to ask for such?
It's a pretty f'ing simple world.
This swings both ways. If you don't trust the person you're with enough to share access to personal information, all the privacy in the world isn't going to save you.
If you trust them, why wouldn't you feel comfortable sharing that access?
Q: ***If you trust them, why wouldn't you feel comfortable sharing that access?***
A: There's 2 reasons (not listed in any order of importance)
(1) Just because you trust someone in the NOW, doesn't mean there's any guarantee that things (in the context of a relationship) are going to pan out. One's trust might be misplaced, and since not all people can handle breaking up in a clean and mature way, one might find oneself paying the price in painful ways due to the (irresponsible) behaviour of the other, at a time when they'd potentially do things (due to the extreme and non-usual stress of a break-up) they otherwise wouldn't do. The stereotype of the *re/vengeful ex-spouse* exists for a reason. In a similar vein, the person you trust might be doing a great job deceiving you (as to their trustworthiness), and use such information to hurt you (not necessarily, or only, financially) as their last act before skipping out of the relationship.
All that said, if there were a specific reason why one's SO needed to see/have access to X, then indeed you are right: Why would you hold back (even with the concerns I've just expressed) if you trusted them in the NOW? But a SO's request to simply see/have access to X "out of curiosity"? Again, WHY the curiosity? What is really motivating that verbally unsubstantiated desire?
(2) There's also the issue of having one's own psychological space within a relationship. An obvious example for both sexes is a specific meeting place for one's 'tribe' of friends (for a male, maybe a men's club; I'm not sure the female equivalent). A place (/private psychological space) you go to, in order to have a break from your mate, knowing it isn't ground they're ever going to 'trample on'. Well, these days something that may fall under the aegis of what contitutes private psychological ground within a relationship (for both sexes), is online activity. To reflect on your question in this context, why would you feel the need to trample on someone's private psychological space in a relationship when lacking a specific reason (that could be verbalised to your SO)? Esp. given the fact that doing so could put that relationship at risk. If you express the desire to sit in on your SO and his/her friends hanging out for no good/specific reason, do you think it's going to get received as a positive thing on his/her behalf, even if you reiterate the fact you trust him? Given I think the answer is self-evident, why would that apply any less to his/her private psychological space online?
So in short: By all means ask for such access for no good reason, and see the benefits (excuse me, consequences) that flow from it. I wouldn't (feel the need to) ask it for no good reason of a SO I trusted, and if they asked it of me then we'd not be who I thought we were.
Excellent points. Commitment and trust do not imply a merging of existence. My wife and I have joint passwords for things we both use (utility bills, joint accounts or shopping accounts, for example), and individual passwords for our individual e-mails and other accounts. I don't evan want to know her e-mail password. I trust her to conduct her private life in a manner consistent with our relationship, and she does the same for me. We don't have to "prove" it to each other by surrendering all privacy.
My husband and I have given each other our passwords to various things over the years, email, video games, credit cards. Almost always out of necessity, "Hey hon I need you to log into my email and get the file I mailed myself they locked out gmail at work." or "Hey can you run my character to pick up mats and accept the summons from the raid leader, I'm going to be late." We have to tell each other the password every time because neither of us is good at writing down passwords and then finding where we wrote them down and neither of us can figure out the other person's password-selecting tricks.
We leave our Facebooks logged into our respective computers 99% of the time, he might glance at my page if it's up.
But there's none of this "I need all your passwords so I can watch everything you do" bullshit.
If he really wants to cheat on me he doesn't need the Internet or passwords to do it, ffs.
When my partner, now ex partner and I got the internet years ago we had identical cheesy passwords. He thought he was clever and got into my email and sent my closest friends a picture of his penis.
When they started commenting on why I would send it I had no idea what they were talking about.
Needless to say, last year my husband confessed a six year affair with 4 of my closest friends.
As per my experience, I would say HELL NO..... NEVER SHARE YOUR PASSWORDS.
Obviously he was a piece of shit though too.
Even intimates and/or spouses need their own personal space or cyberspace.
Oversharing is not a virtue.
Now you say something