Vatican still clarifying Pope's statements on condom use, gay prostitutes

Man, these Roman Catholics are really freaking about how Pope Benedict hinted that maybe condoms aren't that bad. The Vatican is now taking pains to publicly assert that, no, condoms are not cool — if they're used to dodge parenthood, that is. 

But what if I'm a male prostitute trying to dodge HIV/AIDS? According to a statement reported by MSNBC,

The Vatican statement reaffirmed that the church considered prostitution "gravely immoral."

"However, those involved in prostitution who are HIV positive and who seek to diminish the risk of contagion by the use of a condom may be taking the first step in respecting the life of another even if the evil of prostitution remains in all its gravity," the statement said.

It stressed that his logic was "in full conformity with the moral theological tradition of the church."

What if I'm a prostitute but not quite male? As a Vatican spokesman revealed before, that's cool too: "The pope told him no, and that it didn't matter if it was a man, woman or transsexual."

So basically condoms are prohibited to all Catholics who aren't prostitutes (but don't worry, they're going to hell anyway), and the Vatican would like you to stop asking about it, please.