PETA has finger on the pulse, finally takes on Super Mario Bros. 3

Remember twenty years ago or so, spending late nights playing Super Mario Bros. 3 and first stumbling onto the fabled Tanooki suit? The long-rumored costume that allowed Mario not only to fly and tail-whip enemy Koopas, but also gave him the ability to turn into a goddamn statue? (Which, in retrospective, probably wasn't that cool — there's not a whole lot of excitement that comes with standing completely still.) But remember how excited you were at the time? Well, PETA thinks you should be ashamed of yourself.

You see, the key question the makers of Mario 3 always avoided was, just how did Mario attain that suit in the first place? They just don't fall out of trees or boxes marked with question marks. PETA's pet theory: Mario killed and skinned a Tanooki himself! So now, as a way of finally addressing this terrible slight on the plight of these fluffy little creatures, PETA's commissioned their own mini eight-bit video game "Mario Kills Tanooki," where you play as a nightmarish (undead?) skinned tanooki, chasing Mario for what's rightfully yours through an apocalyptic landscape of death and destruction. Fun!

(My personal best time, by the way, is nineteen seconds.)

Stay tuned for when PETA realizes that Mario also wears a frog and raccoon costume in the same game. This plumber/butcher's about to get all sorts of comeuppance.