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Four weeks after my abortion, I was dating again.
I was twenty-five when I discovered I was a month pregnant. I wasn't dating the fetus-daddy anymore, and I was without health insurance, having been laid off from my crappy fact-checking job.
I was the living, breathing example of that small percentage of women who get knocked up for being careless with their pill intake. I had no doubt I was going to terminate the pregnancy. In fact, my certainty gave me odd satisfaction. I'd spent countless weekends in college escorting abortion patients through the obnoxious church groups outside Planned Parenthood. One elderly protester, Teresa, would debate me for hours, and every time the argument was losing steam, she would let out a knowing, self-satisfied laugh, reducing my pro-choice position to lack of experience: "Ah, honey, you've never been pregnant. When you get pregnant for the first time, you'll feel a connection instantly. You'll know your child loves you and you won't be able to harm it." Besides, I knew friendlier ears. I honed my improbable pregnancy and ensuing abortion into a kvetching monologue about life's little inequities — I get pregnant on birth control, while teenagers in Utah practicing the pray-to-God-and-please-come-on-my-ass method remain distinctly un-knocked-up? It's not like I broadcasted my uterine news to co-workers, distant cousins, or Facebook cronies. It was simply something that happened to me, and I shared it with my friends like I would've shared any other story. It would have felt wrong not to. My female friends laughed when I laughed, commiserated when I needed it and treated the procedure as lightheartedly as I did. That's all I wanted. To be able to define my own experience, not the other way around.
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Comments ( 106 )
What an excellent piece. It's really refreshing. I especially like the part about alcohol loosening up stuff we liberals are ashamed of when sober. Well done.
Just a really sharply written, intelligent and funny piece. I'm glad that there are people out there tackling, or at least talking about, this fly-by-night prejudice that so often exists when it comes to a lot of women's issues. Thoroughly enjoyed this read. Can't wait for more from you.
Thank you for this excellent article.
While I've never been pregnant (yay!), I can honestly say that the scariest thought is having to deal with people's reactions whether I choose to end it or choose to go forward. It seems like no matter what's chosen people want you to stay silent about it.
I loved your essay. Thank you.
i am really glad that you wrote this. this past christmas my grandparents inadvertently found out that i had had an abortion last summer (don't ask how...long story). i sat in the living room next to my 16 year-old cousin as my grandfather stared at me forlornly across the room. "you are so brave. you have been through so much." he said to my sympathetically as i squirmed in my chair. i didn't want his pity, but it was better than hate. and how do you explain to your 82 year-old grandpa that, really, it's ok? it's more than ok.
I can't help but think that if all us women who have had abortions were open about them, particularly with the men in our lives, perhaps men would react better generally. Nearly all the women I know have had abortions. Most of them have chosen not to tell the men they subsequently dated. A friend of mine who had 2 abortions is currently married and pregnant--and she hasn't told her husband about either of them. I think women do this for 2 reasons: we are frightened because of the reaction we might get, and it's no one else's business anyway. But at the same time our silence leaves most men with the impression that abortion has not touched their lives. If we were comfortable telling people, perhaps the cloak of mystery would drop and people would be forced to deal with the reality that abortion is a part of everyday life and that it is necessary (that's right, NECESSARY) to preserve our right to chose IF and when we procreate. I too have conceived and aborted while on the pill (and I didn't miss any doses). But I admit that if I became single again, I might have a hard time telling a future partner. Or maybe it would be a litmus test. I don't know for sure, I've been partnered for too long with an accepting mate.
I feel a strong need to clarify the real reason why men act strangely to you when abortion is brought up. It is *not* because of anything sexist, religious or misogynistic.
It is because you talked about a deeply personal topic to someone you're not very close to yet. This sends a subconscious signal to the man, saying, "I have little value for you."
What do I mean by this? If you're willing to spill your guts to someone who hasn't earned it, to someone who is still essentially a stranger, this communicates to the person, "She'll tell *anybody* this!" It's a sign of insecurity on your part.
It's not about the abortion at all. Swap "abortion" with "my sister's getting a divorce from her husband" or "my uncle has cancer" and you'll get similar reactions from men. And I know you think abortion is no big deal, but you're a smart person, you *know* it's a big deal and a heavier topic than saying, "I think Jack Nicholson is better than Heath Ledger."
TMI (Too Much Info) + Heaviness of info + Too Early = How insecure the person is.
The guy talking about his testicle surgery made the same mistake. He's an insecure fool. You recognized it for a bit, you said TMI. You *both* are insecure and should stop blaming the world for your dating problems when it's really yourselves.
Only tell your deep personal secrets to people who've earned the privilege to hear it. Since you're a writer and write about your personal life to strangers on the internet, it will be more difficult for you to break that habit.
Wait to tell the guy your personal stuff until *after* you realize he's an awesome person, which means he's proven himself to you. Don't give away your secrets for free. Your secrets have value. People should earn the right to hear them. This shows you value *yourself.*
Why would a dashing, good guy want to date a woman who didn't value herself?
I loved this piece. Hooksexup being Hooksexup-y again, finally.
PIL is a dick. It's absolutely OK to talk about abortion with a friend or a peer who seems non-uptight, who seems genuine, who is having an open exchange with you. His rules for what's OK in conversation demonstrate much bigger "issues" than your inability to stay silent and repressed about having an abortion.
I really enjoyed this, it was clever, but very careful, and I (a dude) never felt like I was being screamed at.
Last year, I got a girl pregnant, and she had an abortion. I tried to help as much as I could, but the whole thing did make me very uncomfortable. A couple months later, my sister got pregnant (by her husband), and the whole thing made me very uncomfortable...
Men are socialized to be uncomfortable about the entire notion of pregnancy, and we are usually isolated from the process (how many men go to baby showers?) I think if we did a better job integrating men into pregnancy at all levels, you'd have to deal with less awkward dudes freaking out about your abortion.
Anyway, great piece.
I hated this.
Your pseudo intellectual arguments fell completely flat. You were too incompetent to take your birth control pills correctly. On top of that you slept with some guy without a condom, whom when it came right down to it you were not willing to have a baby with, because he was already long gone.
The "liberal" males in your life that are supposed to be cool with your glib attitude are not judging harshly because of the fact you had an abortion. They are judging you harshly because you are stupid. If you had your shit together you would have never had to have an abortion.
I had the SAME experience -- from the instant I knew I was pregnant there was no doubt in my mind as to what to do next. I had an abortion and felt relieved; I've never regretted it. You try to bring that up though, and guys are like "well, maybe you're just in denial and you say you don't regret it because you can't take it back." Hey, I know what I felt at the time, I know what I feel now, and the only person in denial is the person who refuses to believe me.
I liked a lot of things about this piece. What I didn't like was the glib attitude and the total lack of responsibility for behavior. If you screwed up the birth control, you brought on the need for an abortion. To treat it so lightly seems rather self-indulgent
Overall, well done! I didn't understand the author's issue with Boyfriend #2 wanting to use a condom all the time "even though" she was on the Pill. As we all know (and the whole premise of the article indicates) it is NOT foolproof anyway.
I think you hit the right note here: "[N]one of these men had faced abortion in any but the most abstract terms; the hyperbolic political and cultural conceptions of the act were all they had." That is true for some women as well, but especially men for whom ABORTION rings with scary, capital letters.
The piece was very personal, and thus, very interesting. My only question relates to the way it ends: that the writer has learned her "lesson" and will in the future keep her mouth shut about the abortion. It seemed a bit of a black-and-white ending. Is there a middle ground? Again, I mean for the writer personally, and _not_ for all women (the piece is strong exactly because it is about _you_ and doesn't purport to speak for all women who've had abortions). Could it be that the abortion history-sharing could be saved for closer relationships, and not necessarily any men one dates?
Thanks very much for this piece. You rarely get abortion + laughter in a single article anymore.
loved it.
i'm thinking back to when a past girlfriend told me she had a teenage abortion. (she later when on to have a healthy daughter 10 years later.)
this is perverse - but i guess i almost found it kind of hot when she told me about it. not the abortion part, but the fact that she got knocked up as a young woman. probably b/c deep in my male brain my subconscious goal is to impregnate as many woman as possible, though my supposedly conscious mind knows that's a bad idea?
this girlfriend was a bit promiscuous. i would say that one would risk having people think you are promiscuous if you tell them you had an abortion, fair or not. that may or may not bother you.
always good to break the silence but sort of a bummer to see if framed in terms of dudes
blogging my abortion 1 out of 3 blogspot
No amount of witty writing can cover the basic mistake of not taking your birth control. It's also funny the author treats the boyfriend who wants to wear a condom like he's nuts. Really? He probably doesn't want to be a father as much as she doesn't want to be a mother. Pro-choice affects guys too.
Thank you for writing about this! We need more women who have had abortions and don't regret it (a HUGE % of the population) to tell their stories. Hopefully this makes men think more too.
This article is a disgrace to the pro-choice movement. What are we supposed to take from this? That men who want to use condoms with women who've had abortions are misogynist or otherwise uncomfortable with something as routine as an abortion? Do men squirm awkwardly and act needlessly sympathetic when you bring up and abortion? Of course they do. But that's the subject of a lighthearted essay of manners, not a self-indulgent tract tearing down the best attempts at sympathy by the men around the author. The solipsism in this article is just bottomless and disgusting. Why dedicate a lengthy, bitter essay dedicated to the fact that no one understands how little you care about your abortion? "See how disaffected I am! Look, everyone I don't care all!" What a joke.
This was interesting but disturbing. Abortion is a big deal, whether the author sees it as such or not, because all human life begins this way.
I remember a moment when I was sitting around a table with some friends in the former East Germany, where abortion was the favored means of birth control during the communist period.
We were talking about family size and siblings. One of my friends casually mentioned "We would have theoretically been four." I knew from previous conversations that she meant her mother had had two abortions.
What it meant was that two brothers (or sisters) weren't sitting at the table. I haven't forgotten it.
I'm against abortion because it ends a human life. I would have had more respect for the author if she had acknowledged this truth and tried to justify it rather than treating the subject lightly.
Thank you. I have many friends and family members (my own mother included) who have had abortions and most of them report that the overwhelming feeling they experience afterward is one of relief. It's difficult to remember that when we are bombarded by shameful confessions and representations of women who are fraught with regret. It's wonderful to have a child when you want one and it is also wonderful to recognize that people who do not want to be parents shouldn't be.
I really enjoyed your story and am really happy that you shared it. Thanks a lot and have a great week.
Thanks for featuring an interesting article, Hooksexup (love you guys, but you've been relying on just blogs for a long while...). I agree with FLA. If more people (boyfriends, best friends)knew about the brushes with abortion they've had in their lives, it would be a more normal issue to talk about. This does not mean being flippant about it, but acknowledging that it's a fact of life, like taxes and death, that doesn't go away even if you illegalize it (wait, that might not be a word). It's not a minor decision, but a woman doesn't know beforehand just how she'll feel about it: she might be sad, she might find that she's relieved or she's absolutely ok with it. 'so how are you feeling about it?'would be a good opener if you hear about it from that person and then you can take it from there. We expect people to behave a certain way in certain circumstances, be it divorce, death or thanksgiving dinner, but feelings aren't rational so just take them as what they are. Oh and whoever thinks anyone who gets pregnant it's their own darn fault if they have to get an abortion? Go to your room and don't come back down til you grow up.
i think that the reactions that you describe can be attributed to a guy who is pro choice in a vague and theoretical way being confronted with the very concrete knowledge that you would probably abort HIS baby if you were to become pregnant.
As the "dreary poet" in Lauren Bans' article, I recognize that my ambivalence confronting her "abortsies"-- the innovative term she used that night to tell me about her recent abortion-- is a necessary device to develop interest in her story, and I don't mind being used as such. While I applaud Lauren for inviting introspection on this valuable question, it would have strengthened her argument if she had applied a bit more introspection to some of
her own positions.
As she claims: "That's all I wanted. To be able to define my own experience, not the other way around." Rightly so. Everyone does his or her best to react respectfully to hearing of someone's abortion, a stigmatized subject that many of us might not know how to address in casual conversation. As the survivor of what Lauren glibly refers to as a "bout" with testicular cancer, I know firsthand that people don't always respond with ideal sensitivity to personal situations that fall outside familiar social guidelines.
Regardless, it's wrong to make assumptions about what the decision to have an abortion involves for a woman, and I don't think anyone would disagree that sexism, implied or otherwise, played an unfortunate role in Lauren's story. That said, I wish she hadn't been so quick to correlate the male responses she outlines with such uniform and categorical sexism, "the standard-issue male anxieties about
pregnancy, fertility, the vagina in general." While such tidy arguments make for juicy journalism, they undermine the issue's complexity.
In a piece like Lauren's, it's easy to ignore certain facts
that don't fit into a convenient narrative about gender. Rather than fleeing in horror to get more drinks, I was actually settling in for what I expected to become a longer and more involved discussion, which would naturally require supplementary refreshments. After buying another round, I was open to continuing the conversation. Regrettably, it now seems, the verdict had been passed before that conversation could start.
As a card carrying member of Planned Parenthood and a fervent supporter of a woman's right to abortion, it seems that the author's problem here is not an inability to discuss her abortion with men, but rather to have men respond exactly as she wants.
Conversation, in any context, is a give and take. And whether or not Ms. Bans want to acknowledge it, abortion is a topic about which many people feel strongly.
What if instead of saying, "I had an abortion recently", the author had said, "I believe that abortion is a sin and women who get one are going to hell?" Should her date have readily and enthusiastically agreed with her? Is it one's responsibility to always mirror the views and attitude's of our dining companions?
Since Ms. Bans feels so confident in her decision, why is it necessary for all those around her to validate that confidence?
The entire thesis of this pieces strikes me as immature and narcissistic.
The themes in this essay reminded me of those in Camus' The Stranger, my favorite book.
As a pro-choice woman, I think abortion shouldn't be taken as lightly as it sometimes is. I probably wouldn't supply that information on a first date... unlike an physiological illness, the procedure raises all kinds of philosophical, ethical, and political questions. I'm sure your date was not judging you based on your decision; he probably has his own feelings on the subject and was not sure how to address it. Maybe it was a big deal to you? Maybe not?
I believe in the right to choose, and in my personal life, at this juncture, I would probably choose as you did. But it would affect me quite a bit, and I wouldn't necessarily want the opinions of someone I'd just met. That being said, I would have to be fair, and not judge THEM either. Just because you thought your date was sharing TMI, doesn't mean you had to.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you. No one else has ever expressed how I felt about my experience getting an abortion as well as you. I don't regret it for a second, and I have always resented that society wants you to go through some huge emotional soul searching "Did I make the right decision?" phase afterward. I knew then, just as I know now, that it was the right choice. As far as I'm concerned, it was just a medical procedure. Thank you, just thank you so much. I have never felt like anyone got it before.
I think some guys (because I know a few that would have actually congratulated you) just don't know how to respond to pregnancy and abortion. Many are so afriad of giving the wrong response that they don't know how to express the way they feel about it honestly. In retrospect many of your friends might look back and think this DEFINATELY wasn't the time for you to become a mother, as noted by your lack of a connection and that you did what was best for you and the baby inside of you. I mean there is a lot in between a guy responding "I'm glad you did it." *insert horny double eyebrow raise* and "Murderer!" *insert self righteous sneer* from the wounded victim response, the its ok to get an abortion so long as we're not dating response, or the pretend you didn't say a word response. Oh and this is just MY opinion but perhaps the guy you dated who refuses to have unprotected sex does so not just for the sake of preventing pregnancy but because of STDs, and even if it was to ward off pregnancy, he may just have made the choice to decide when he'd become a father and thats strcitly limited to his condom use and shouldn't be taken as a gender bias or offense against your womanhood. He has the right to protect himself against fatherhood and abortion by using condoms.
This is an entertaining article. The author does a great job of masking the fact that she is trying to convince herself that the reality she is facing isn't, in fact, reality. Real life smacked her over the head and she's not willing to admit that. It's as if she's lamenting this surreal experience that others have thrust on her rather than accepting that for her, life has moved beyond the hypothetical and her core values and principles are being tested. In this case, they failed her. To move abortion outside the realm of truly determining when life begins (I am not advocating a particular time frame here), causes the dilemma being faced by our author. She would like to believe that abortion is solely about choice and the rights of women when in fact, it is far beyond that simple scope. If it was truly that simple, even her liberal male friends would be able to easily adapt and not fumble through an apparently paradoxical gut reaction. The value and determination of life touches a very deep part of our souls as human beings, regardless of gender, that many of us don't realize is even there until confronted by it. The fear the author talks about that keeps her from being able to openly share this experience flies in the face of her apparent bravado when it comes to promoting the pro-choice cause. It reveals an underlying hypocrisy in the sense that she can help others obtain an abortion but doesn't want to deal with the personal ramifications when she has one. I consider myself a fairly progressive person and refuse to be put in a "right wing" box just because I don't tow the liberal line when it comes to abortion. Truth is truth and neither side of the political spectrum can really claim exclusive ownership...
Finally, I applaud the author for sharing her experience and opening herself up for all types of criticism and praise that may come her way. This type of transparency is good for everyone and I think this world would be a better place with more.
I really liked this article and was able to connect to it on a personal level. I too had an abortion when I was younger and I too knew exactly what I was going to do when I found out. Similarly, I was relieved that I made the choice I did and it was refreshing to read about someone else who went through this experience and also wasn't filled with society's expectation of unrepented shame and guilt.
On the other hand, I have received a different reaction with men when revealing my experience. When I told my boyfriend at the time, he was very supportive (he even paid for half of the surgery although he didn't go with me to the clinic- my mom did) and when I've told boyfriends since, I've actually never felt I received the reaction that this author did- my BFs seemed more supportive and more accepting of my feelings on it. But then again, I've only revealed this secret to close boyfriends, family and friends.
On another note, I noticed that a lot of comments cricized the author's "abuse" of birth control but to be fair, taking a pill every day year after year can become a somewhat mindless act and I don't blame her for missing a pill or two. It's like driving home on the same route every day and when you get home, you can't quite remember the drive or like not remembering to lock your front/car door- something we do every day and even though it's what is "responsible," it becomes so mundane that we forget or think we forgot. Maybe she wasn't as responsible as she could have been but I don't think we can sit and chastise her for that and say she was all to blame. Even if she'd taken her pills 100% correctly, pregnancy can still occur.
Anyway, thank you for this article- it's always nice to know there are others out there that have shared an experience, especially one that is known for causing so much controversy that people don't usually talk about it.
It's depressing that you still have to package an abortion, but you do. An experience so politically loaded won't settle on its own; it needs to be managed. That's true whether you manage it in a public forum and with all your friends and the world as an audience, or if you do your branding and rebranding in the privacy of your own neocortex. I still think it's amazingly brave when a woman publicly talks about having an abortion. The act itself might be one of expediency, fear, pragmatism, cowardice (that's not a judgment, by the way-- but cowardice *is* one possible motivator, and women should have the right to be just as cowardly as men and not have some extra judgment slathered on top. no one's perfect). The fact of writing an article about it with your picture appended? That is brave with a capital B and you can't tell me otherwise. It's the kind of thing that will make it easier for the next person, and the one after that, and that, to me, is the definition of a brave act, and a brave woman. Thanks.
I saw this and had to read it. I just had an abortion in November, the day before Thanksgiving. I reacted to pregnancy the EXACT same way as the author. It wasn't something I rattled my brain over. Reading this was like reading my own thoughts during that time. I too "package" my abortion story and am extremely open about the entire experience to anyone who wants to know. Thanks for a great article, totally relateable and another reason why I love this site.
I just printed your letter - haven't read it through yet BUT: good for you that you gave lots of stuff about your experience. Believe it or not I had a do-your-own abortion a looooong time ago, before Roe v. Wade - it was no big deal for me either. I already had a family and did not want more. My doctor could not help so I somehow, with my husband's help, got a previously removed/saved IUD reinserted. Worked great. No screaming, no tiny body parts, just a few blood clots. I didn't wait very long, needless to say. Men/women who scream against abortion are busybodies and should mind their own business. It's not about reliegion, morals or murder. Sometimes it's a choice that must be made. Anit-abortion films are like Friday 13th - mostly made up to scare women who need help.
most of the comments on this forum seem to just imply that it's good someone wrote about abortion and that women face various forms misogyny. yes, unfortunately, these things are true.
But why is no one acknowledging that the male reactions to the abortion described here are all at least a bit sympathetic. Sympathy is sexist? Assuming that someone might have strong feelings about having had an abortion is misogyny? Did the author even ASK any of the men in this article how they felt about her abortion? (she's clearly concerned about it) Some of the details in here have nothing to do with the fact that the author had abortion (the guy who wanted to use condoms, the poet's reticence, etc.). But, to the author, that's the only possible cause. The notion that several innocuous, innocent responses are actually attacks on the author's womanhood is evidence of the author's bottomless self-absorption and her twisted notion of what sexism actually is. It's actually quite tragic that the author thinks these things were caused by misogyny -- the paranoia and constant questioning must make for a very unhappy life.
This absurd polemic could have played as light, self-effacing satire and would have been quite funny. Instead, it's mean-spirited, solipsistic, and borderline pathological in its attempts to find gender effects in basic human sympathy. i feel sorry for anyone who feels the need to use accusations of sexism as a proxy for their own insecurities. just disgusting and poorly reasoned
"standard-issue male anxieties about pregnancy, fertility, the vagina in general"
Oh, fuck off. You aren't a strange and heavenly creature that we are scared/in awe of.
It seems as if the gal who wrote this would be displeased by looking into a mirror and seeing anything but herself surrounded by a chorus of weepers.
In short, why on Earth would she turn down free acid in Fort Greene while reading Whitman? And, why is she so dismissive of the Poet's bout with CANCER?
Your essay, was linked on another web-site regarding Bristol Palin's interview recently. I'll state that I am a conservative male, but I'll leave politics and government out of this in regards to your abortion. Men, when they go out on a date(s) with a woman are thinking a few things 1) I just want to be a friend nothing more 2) someone I can hook up with from time to time or 3) after the first 5 minutes or 5 dates with a woman "this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with". It is hard to put into words how to explain this and I can't speak for all men obvisouly, but when you tell a man that you like that you had an abortion and feel as you have stated no guilt about it...well then men might feel,especially those in the #3 column, you are not the right fit...beacause ALL men when they grow up (and that takes a lonnng time)want to have children be it with their wife,partner, or girlfriend. Do you want to be a mother one day? I didn't see that in your essay. Abortion is a right that you have, but you surely most know if your dating that men are looking at you as a potential wife and if you are not interested in having kids one day, well you have severely narrowed the field of male suitors.
Because this article is written, it's safe to assume that the writer understands the basic concept of "show, don't tell." Therefore, just because she did not come right out and say, "I'm more responsible now, because
@BLH. i'll have to disagree. not ALL men want children when they grow up. i am living proof. i actually always thought most women wanted children at some point, but i don't think that's always true either.
I think that the problem is that the Pro-Life media has so publicised the "trauma" of abortion and the "anguish" it causes for women, that many men have internalized this. I have always seen it as BS, but the pro-lifers have done a very good job of emphasizing this. I think the author is annoyed that her male friends have internalized this mindset and this is why they reacted to her in this way. Some people say that they are against abortion because it "hurts women" when in reality, there is no data to support this. The millions of women who have had abortions and were not bothered by it don't write essays about their experience. They move on with their lifes and perhaps get married, get insurance, and later on have a family at the RIGHT time in their lives. We only hear about the nutcases taht are hell-bent on telling everyone about how every woman lives with guilt and regret when she has an abortion. If were to get pregnant today, I would have an abortion as soon as I found out. There is no way that I could be a good parent now. And I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.
So Erotic! No wonder I "read" Fleshbot instead.
Great article! It tough to talk about such personal issues. Two of my gf's had an abortion thanks to me. The first I cooperated in because I wasn't ready for children, and certainly not with her. The second did it without me and told me afterwards. I was hurt because I wanted a child with her. In my mind the issue was never about how she ought to feel, it was always about how I felt. Feelings are intensely selfish - always will be.
I haven't read all the other feedback here so as not to end up spending hours "defending" you... and obviously, since I haven't read them, I'm just making an assumption that at least some of them are judgmental.
All I really wanted to say is here's another woman who felt the same way about her abortion. No, I wasn't traumatized and it wasn't a difficult decision. I wasn't brave. Nor cowardly. I guess I'm just lucky that I haven't had the reactions you've had. I do probably bring it up a bit too often because I want people to know that they DO know someone who has had an abortion, even if they'd thought they didn't!
Really, it seems like these guys are jerks if they state that an abortion is okay but act weird about it or reject you for it. As a guy who has dealt with this issue in a "more than abstract" way, you should simply take the information at face value, and if the woman wants to talk more or you care how she dealt with it
It is so refreshing to read something about abortion that is not filled with remorse and tears. I had an abortion at 18 years old and felt the same certainty as soon as I suspected I was pregnant. I knew it would be terminated. I had the good fortune to read a great article in the doctor's waiting room about "grieving" terminated pregnancies while I waited for my test results. I had no doubt that I was making the right decision but I also felt fairly certain that one day in the future, I would greet a pregnancy with great joy. I was right. I was thrilled to be pregnant with both my sons, now aged thirteen and eleven....but that doesn't change the fact that I made the right decision with the termination years before.
Since I am a male my opinion clearly does not matter, especially given that I am a liberal and feminist and thus I must be hiding anti-female beliefs beneath my veneer of contemporary, east coast urbanity. That said, this article is not funny or witty or edgy. I could care less about the author and will not judge her. I will simply say that for the past 12 years I have watched my wife deal the emotional and psychological fall-out from the 2 abortions that she had prior to our marriage. Her pain compounded the already intense pressures regarding motherhood that were placed upon her by her mother and her Chinese ancestry. But hey, I guess that my wife was weak because she did not kick back a cosmo and mini-cheeseburgers after her abortions. Silly Girl! Watching what my wife has endured has transformed me from being a liberal male who did in fact walk in a pro-choice rally in D.C. to a man who is both pro-choice and anti-abortion. I thank the stars every day that my mother chose not to kill me even though I was the result of the union of a sperm and an egg that found one another in spite of the gauntlet of "The Pill".
I intended to write an appreciative supportive note. I read the top dozen responses and the appreciate supportive notes covered my thoughts thoroughly. I won't write redundance other than to say. I appreciated the article's point of view, the author's clever turns of phrase, and her ability to lighten up and topic heavy for some. Thanks, Lauren.
I haven't read all the comments here either so forgive me if I'm being redundant. Last week I called up my pregnant cousin to say "what's up", to which she responded "I lost my baby". She had been pregnant for about 6 weeks. I was about to say "don't worry, no big deal, you'll get pregnant again", when I hesitated; she was crying, and I was glad I held my tongue. Then I thought for a second, and truly realized how she must be feeling. I felt genuine sorrow for my cousin who lost her child, someone that had been connected to her, someone who had been sharing her body, someone that would have grown up to call her "Mommy". Truth is, guys like me will never know what pregnancy is like. It makes sense that a woman should share a strong bond with her fetus. But then again the fetus is just a bunch of cells, and she can get pregnant many times, so it also makes sense if a woman isn't hurt much by an abortion or an early miscarriage. Putting these together, we expect to see a bit of both in every woman. But we'll never really FEEL what women feel. Moreover, not all women feel the same thing. So we have no real way of knowing whether a particular women feels sad or relieved, wounded or okay. We have no choice but to guess. And it seems less risky to be overly sensitive for a relieved woman, than insensitive for a sad woman. Personally, I know now that I should start off by being extra-sensitive, and then adjust my attitude after some feedback. But then again, that's just me. Other men could very well think and feel differently.
Lauren,
I read your very personal and honest account of your abortion. From your words, I can tell you are an intelligent, sincere and thoughtful woman. You also seem like a woman who wants a reasonable, calm, civilized, and genuine discussion with no games, no baloney, and straight talk. No put downs. No sarcasm. No judgments. Just honest discussion with little theatrics or drama. I'm like that two. I like it when two people can respectfully communicate, even though they may not be in total agreement. In that spirit, I applaud your "ardent commitment to free expression".
So with that preface, let's begin with mutual respect for each other's intellect, dignity and humanity.
In December, my wife gave birth to our first born, a son. I was there, a few feet away from the birth. I watched the whole shebang. Amazing! Incredible! A miracle! Awe inspiring! I remember thinking, how can anyone doubt that there is a God after seeing this miracle. A fully formed baby is delivered from this amazingly strong woman who has been nurturing this tiny human being from the moment of his conception. You just have to see it to believe.
So, my first hope is that you "get the data" and see up close a live birth of your friend or family member. It could, just maybe, give you a whole new perspective.
Second, I read what you said about the abortion not being "soul-destroying" and not the "Big Deal" everyone expects (paraphrasing). That's what you felt. No one should tell you what you should or shouldn't feel. You felt what you felt. All I have to say is that humans are famously fickle. Feelings come and go. Today, a person feels X and days, months, years later he or she feels Y. Opinions change. Experiences accumulate. Things change. So my second hope is that if things do change over time, if you do feel it was a big deal or hurting your soul, here are some organizations to help you (non-judgmentally) through the process: feministsforlife.org; abortionchangesyou.com; hopeafterabortion.com; Roe No More Ministries; prowomanprolife.org.
I'm not trying to preach. I'm just trying to give you information in the event you may need it.
As a typical human, I'm prone to assumptions and speculation as the rest of us. It is tempting to me to analyze and speculate on your beliefs, thoughts and feeling, and then draw conclusions based on your words alone. But I won't. Instead let me comment on three points.
I have no idea how you view Christians. However, as a committed, practicing, traditional Catholic who loves the Church and would willingly lay down my life for her and her Divine Spouse, Jesus Christ, I can only say that most of the Christians on the pro-life side that I know would do anything for you and your child. Some selfless priests and nuns that I know would literally give up their life if it meant saving your child's life. I worked with a crisis pregnancy group that would do anything for the mother and child: pay for birth, diapers, clothes, home, job training, food, life skills, literally anything. Without judgment; without accusations. With total love for mother and child. Most pro-life Christians are the opposite of the caricatures presented in the media.
Next, your descriptions of these men do not paint a pretty picture of the 21st century, 20 something male. Here's the bottom line from a modern, chivalrous male: with any man you date or have as a friend, ask these questions about him: would he willing lay down his life for me or his wife; will he always treat me with respect, honor, and dignity; will he honor my intellect, opinions and thoughts; will he be a gentleman to me; will he think his date or fiancee is so worth it, so unique and special, that he'd wait until marriage to make love to her; will he respect my family, friends and interests; will he never physically hurt me; will he be willing to sacrifice anything for any amount of time to be with you or marry you?
If you can't answer yes to all those questions, then drop the guy immediately if you are dating him. Drop him as a friend if, after giving him a gentle, but firm warning, he persists in his boorish behavior. Any guy, no matter his past or how much a jerk he's been, will sacrifice anything -- I repeat, anything -- for the one he truly loves unconditionally and without expecting anything in return. It's the acid test.
Lastly, Lauren, know that God IS love. He loves you more than our limited minds can even fathom. His love for your child is greater than oceans and oceans in galaxies and galaxies. There is nothing -- I repeat, nothing -- that can separate you from God's love. Just let God in; the latch opens from the inside.
Lauren, also know that I promise you, that beginning tonight, my wife and I will pray for you: for your dreams, your hopes, your future, your family, your friends, your jobs, your joy, your child and your incredibly amazing life. We will offer Rosaries and Masses for you and your child. We will entrust you both to Jesus and His sweet mother Mary.
God bless you Lauren. My heart overflows with unconditional love and respect for you. I hope to meet you someday -- in heaven.
In Christ,
PC
PS If you want to talk, communicate on these feedback boxes.
forget the moral/political/philosophical arguments of pro-choice vs. anti-abortion. while this is a well-written article, what struck me most while reading was the author's crassly urgent nilism: the de-humanization of her own sexuality, the miraculous processes of her own body, and even herself as a woman.
in fact, i detected no small amount of self-hatred and misogyny in the article, as though the author's swaggering boasts of being completely free from maternal instincts and her psuedo-bravado in the face of a harrowing surgical procedure proves to herself that she's not, inside at least, REALLY a woman. as though being a woman, and having felt a loss - even though she didn't want a child, perhaps only having felt a loss because of an intrusion deep into herself, into her reproductive parts, and an expulsion therein - would be weak and snivelling and, well, 'womanly'.
my takeaway? sadness for this person, this woman, who obviously has no enjoyment of her sex, her body, or herself. a woman whose thinly disguised envy of men - because they don't have to bear the burden of reproduction - leaps from her viciously as she rushes to judge the men who react to her abortion with anything but glee and merriment, and soundly condemns those who respond with compassion or surprise. hello. do we have issues here?
abortion, as legal as it is, still stirs in humans a kind of survival instinct: the survial of the species and all that. if the author worked in a clinic she should know this. it seems naive to think you can broadcast this news to the world and have it applaud. to now whine that there is a double standard smacks of penis envy in the extreme.
she had the balls to do it - and without any emotion whatsoever. good choice for the kid. now she needs to shut up and deal with it like a man.
"Abortion is just one of those hot-button issues for a dude to randomly be a jerk about."
Jerk enters randomly with a
So lie. Why does everybody have to tell the truth about their ingrown toenail or their wind issues . . . lie . . . it's only a white lie after all . . . just remember you've told it and stick to it . . . lie then deny if you have to . . . great PR trick for politicians (if it can work for them, it can work for anyone) oh . . . and I agree, don't tell a bloke, he'll just try to show sympathy, because that's what Cosmo taught him!
Thanks, Lauren.
It was good to hear your perspective.
I'm one of those women who had an abortion and hadn't expected it to be a big deal, but it was. ugh! Polar opposite of your experience, in some ways.
It's wild how differently experiences can affect us. Thank god (no pun intended?!) for choice.
Hearing from another woman who didn't bat an eyelash at having an abortion makes me happy. I've gotten the weirdest and most amusing reactions from people about mine, especially the fact that I didn't feel anything, beyond cramping. Just wasn't the right time, much less the right father. I want children, just didn't at the time.
In a couple of years, sure. But not at 24 with a guy I had only known for a few months and wasn't dating anymore. Why its assumed we absolutely *must* feel something deep and meaningful for a bundle of cells that can't even think yet, that we don't actually want, I won't even try to understand.
I would say you need some sensitivity training. I was the father of two abortions and though they really didn't mean much to me as in what I was missing. I found the act itself to be quite barbaric, if your emotions didn't tell you that, your vagina sure did. As far as I am concerned your attitude of "I told the boys, I left it overseas" leaves a lot to be desired from a member of my species. You had an incredible invasion of your body for the purpose of aborting a life. And though I am and always will be pro-choice, it was no small insignificant thing. Men are, at this point in time the least formed sex when it comes to reproductive issues, the problems is they have no there, there. I would say for some reason, you suffer from the same disease.
I've had a very similar experience. I suppose I should say experiences. Besides the absolute killer pain, I did not feel any remorse. I always know that I would not be a mother. I have never wanted to raise children. The first procedure (broken condom in college)made me feel like fighting with the pro life folk. There just wasn't anything to it. I wasn't emotionally attached. The few friends who knew were preparing to take care of an emotionaly crippled young woman. When I went back to the dorm, I was just in pain. I felt no loss, only relief. I am embarassed that I have run the gambit of birth control failures- at this point I've had a total of 4 abortions. My body seems to be made for babies. After reading your article I realize that I have judged men on their ability to handle this information. I have used it to weed out people who were weak or who tried to hard to "fix" me. People who really think we are an alien species and there fore they could never know what it's like to be a woman.
Hate to say it, (I really do, this isn't just one of those things people say to supposedly grant themselves immunity from being jerks online) but have you considered what this says about your choice in men?
I mean, that date you describe sounds like a loser on a whole lot of levels.
My wife had two D&C's -- "non-abortion abortions" -- because the fetuses she was pregnant with died in the womb. I never considered her "damaged goods" as a result of it, and can't imagine what man would. Now we have a happy, healthy baby, and...well I won't belabor the point, you get it.
Sorry this has been your experience, but I'm pretty sure that's not every guy out there.
Oh my god that's perfect. "So You're Eating A Cheeseburger With Your Man And Abortion Comes Up." I work at a clinic, and we need to arrange something like this. Is it okay if I borrow that title? *grin* I blog about my work occasionally at ale-and-arty.blogspot.com
did your ego ever make you think that the guys in this column had different views from you and were just trying to be nice? The men in this column deserve none of your anger. This sort of paranoid, Pop Feminism does more damage than good. I feel sorry for the next man you date. He'll have to endure your warped, unhealthy mistrust of men. Misogyny exists, yes. But we're all PEOPLE first, trying our best to be nice to each other. There's no secret misogynist agenda behind people being nice to you after hearing about your abortion. Dating this writer would be like dating a 9/11 truther. It's sad that this fear-masquerading-as-feminism keeps the writer of this story from actually connecting with men, and offering them the basic benefit of the doubt.
I'm confused as to why this woman seems annoyed by the fact that a boyfriend of eight months wouldn't sleep with her without a condom. Why should he?
She says she got pregnant the first time while on birth control. Maybe he doesn't want to be the father of pregnancy number two, and is taking responsibility to ensure that doesn't happen. Isn't he entitled to make his own reproductive choices?
Ugh, that's no fun. But! Good on you for answering honestly. It seems possible that men react with either shock or reverence because women don't talk to them about these things, so from their point of view it is something exceptional. Women know better, of course. And now, the next time your jackass poet gets the idea that "I have one ball; have you ever gone under the knife?" is some kind of a swoon-making, panty-moistening bon mot for date night, he might just be a little bit smarter about the reality of outpatient surgical procedures that women often have. One can hope, anyway.
Great article. The left definitely doesn't talk enough about the whatif - choice is great AND then what do you think/feel/do if it happens to you.
I really enjoyed this essay and I thought you were very much on the mark. I think that men don't know how to deal with an actual abortion because they don't know how to deal with woman's bodies in general. The only representations they see of woman of women's bodies, besides from personal experience, are through porn, bizarre not-so-fresh-feeling commercials and their ilk, and through the anti-choices movement's propaganda. If anything people should be talking about abortion more to deprogram people from the anti-choice movements ownership of the perceived emotions of women who have had an abortion.
Thank you for writing this piece.
to say that over drinks you can spill out the a-word, or even consider it, is not the same as being unaffected. i have had 2 abortions, at the time i was like 'whatever,' but it is definately still a burden, a wound, and i think there is nothing wrong with seeing it as such. i support abortion, but i do think women are being somewhat rough on themselves if they cannot acknowledge the way it effects us.
well thought out and touching
thanks for bringing some honestly and a little levity to the situation, i've been a hand holder through an abortion, but never had to have one, i know it's difficult to deal with other people after the fact so kudos to you for handling it so well
Good for you and your choice. No one should guilt you into a choice, no one should put you down for something that you want for yourself. If the guy you were dating treated you and acted in such a fashion, then he's not the one for you. Your friends and the ones that will really stand for you and with you in this, they're the ones that matter.
Keep it true, keep to your stance and never back down. Abortion is your choice, not anyone else's.
I'm not sure about the conclusions - how do we know the women weren't also kind of uncomfortable, just more tactful about it?
I can't believe how many people here are saying that you're wrong for feeling what you feel. Thats just insane. How can anyone possibly have the audacity to think that they know better than you do, what kind of feelings you should have?
I really enjoyed this essay.
it was really nice to read about you experiences, and how you honestly felt about it. Equally entertaining, reading all the comments by idiots who seemed to miss the point and try to continue to tell you how you *should* feel. lol.
Good for you! There's always time to have kids when you're ready. Don't let anyone dictate to you or try to make you feel shamed of your abortion! You're free of a burden on your body, mind and income.
Fantastic piece of writing. I'm glad you stood up for those of us who would feel no shame or no remorse at ending something that we may have no had a choice in or are simply not ready for.
I have been an escort to women wanting abortions. In my experience, the overwhelming attitude is relief, followed by a vague sense of happiness that the problem is gone. Some feel sad, others do not. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to respond to something that affects you and you only. This world is so full of anti-choice B.S. we so often can't see the effects it has on women besides the gut-wrenching "omg ah killed mah bayyybeee" that is expected of us.
Great article. I applaud your refusal to play a victim in both the abortion situation and in the post procedure dating situations. Many people seem to accept being victims because it's easier than having their own opinions and emotions. How refreshing it was to read something based on pragmatism, poise and the expectation that everyone should posses those qualities.
Thank you!
I know if I were in the same position, I would do the same thing, and it's good to hear women talking about it in a 'it happened' sense, rather than making a huge deal about it.
I really enjoyed this piece for its honesty and unsentimental delivery. It's truly a shame that, even in this day and age, exercising one's right to choose is still met with such vehemence from society. But, hopefully, that will change one day.
Thank you for sharing this!
Lauren, before anything, your first responsibility is to ask: is this just a "bundle of cells", "burden" or "problem" (as some people have said) or is she a growing and living human being? If the object of the abortion is not a human but just an inanimate "thing" like an appendix, no woman in history would feel any bad feelings. I've had my wisdom teeth taken out and there was not one second of any bad feelings, moral qualms, remorse, etc. Maybe, just maybe, the object of abortion is a growing human person with it's own DNA code with your genes, your eyes, your smile, etc. who just needs just three things to grow & make it into this exciting world: food & oxygen (through the umb. cord) and time. I would respectfully encourage you to research this all-important and primary issue: is your son or daughter entitled to basic human rights like food & oxygen and the civil right to be treated as an equal person under the law with dignity and respect OR is the "bundle of cells" just like some group of cells like a wart or a mole that no person in their right mind would have any objection to removing and then going about their business with nary a thought about it? The answer to that question makes all the difference. Please respond, Lauren; you write so well, I'd love to hear a thoughtful response.
Bravo to you. Seriously. I've never had an abortion, but apparently my attitude toward it is horrifying enough to some guys; I've been labelled "cavalier" at best and "Machiavellian" in my matter-of-fact approach. Why do some men expect--or maybe *need*--for it to be such an immense tragedy for a woman?
I had an abortion, and I felt profound relief afterwards. That was more than 20 years ago, and I have yet to feel any regret. I have two kids who wouldn't exist if I'd let that pregnancy continue.
I so love the deranged, unsigned comment claiming that the author hates being a woman because she doesn't take "the miraculous processes of her own body" seriously. Yes, dear, we all must be obsessed with our Wombanly bodily functions, and we *must* have "maternal instinct," or we're not Real Womben(tm). I'm sure I've seen something more mindlessly essentialist in the last year but I can't remember it.
Also, to the "conservative male" who claims that all men want them some baybeez "when they grow up"? LOL. Google on the word "childfree." Here's another mind-blower: A lot of us *women* don't want them, either. And if a guy wants them and strikes us off his dating list, he wasn't the right guy for us.
Great essay! It's goes a long way in helping to debunk the myth an abortion is a traumatic, life-changing event. I appreciate your honesty and your witty writing.
Loved the article. It's nice to hear from someone for whom it wasn't an agonizing decision. Women need to hear that they aren't weird or bad because they aren't sad they had an abortion.
Judging from the comments on this board, we are still far away from truly understanding the debates surrounding the issues involved with abortion. The issue of individual rights is a worthy debate and I suspect there is more agreement from both sides than either would initially admit. The VERY separate issue of when life begins has to be a different debate. While I strongly support a person's right to make their own decisions, I wouldn't support allowing people to cut off their arm just because they don't see the value in it or because to them it is just a bunch of cells (technically, we are all just a bunch of cells). In fact, I would argue they are unsuited to make that decision because they don't have the capacity to truly understand the implications and ramifications. Even if they were convinced it was okay, it doesn't pass the common sense test. If abortion ends the life of a human being, it should be performed only when it can be argued that it is necessary. Just as there are times when removing an arm is necessary, there are times when ending a life could be argued as necessary. However, using abortion to avoid consequences of poor decisions or mistakes ends up compounding the issue and makes it more difficult to be seen as a necessary option at times.
According to this article, the author (and many readers) seem to think that how you feel about something afterward is the determining factor in whether that was a good decision or not. Regret/remorse = bad decision. Apathy/relief = good decision. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. It is highly irresponsible to live life guided only by your hindsight, in fact, it's a recipe for disaster. This author seems to fail to grasp this as she laments the fact that her boyfriend continues to use a condom. Surely she hasn't already forgotten her own carelessness with the pill as well as her apparent lack of discretion when it comes to the men she sleeps with. Does she really think these men are worthy of her but not of her children? If so, she places a high value on her future children yet has no qualms about ending their viability? This is truly a mystery and it exemplifies the argument that maybe everyone isn't really capable of making their own decisions. Maybe people really do need boundaries within which they must live, for their sake and for those around them. To really argue that people deserve the right to choose for themselves only works up to a point, then restrictions may have to be put in place, mostly to protect people from themselves.
This article should be titled "Me vs. Me vs. Me, the struggle to find the real problem"
People can make bad choices and recover from them or feel no remorse, yet that doesn't change the fact that the decision was a bad one. How sad for this author that she fails to recognize or address the many bad decisions that led her to this point in her life where all her problems seem to be caused by those around her. Find a mirror, make some changes and you will find happiness.
JM, well-written and well-reasoned response. Your sentence sticks out: "The VERY separate issue of when life begins has to be a different debate." To me, this is THE issue that logically must be addressed first. Think about it: resolving this issue ends 35 years of culture wars about abortion and make Lauren's post-abortion feelings moot, IF and ONLY IF what she aborted had no more worth or dignity than my wisdom teeth that were extracted at age 18. But IF (Big If here) what she aborted was a growing, living human being, then the consequences are almost unthinkable. In fact, most people don't want to even wrap their minds around that possibility so they engage in denial of right-in-front-of-their-nose reality. Bottom line: the bundle of cells vs. baby debate is an all-or-nothing situation. There is no gray area. Like an African-American in the 1860s. Either all African-Americans are human beings with inalienable rights and are equal under law OR none of them are. Wouldn't it be absurd for a Northerner to say, "I'd never personally own a slave (or have an abortion) but I don't want to impose upon your personal right to choose to have a slave (or have an abortion)". Either ALL African-Americans have rights, dignity, etc. or they ALL don't. Either ALL babies have rights,etc. or they ALL don't. What? African-Americans in New York in 1860 are humans with rights, but not in the South? Makes no sense. What? If my friend is having a baby, that baby has dignity, rights, and is even called a "baby", but I get pregnant and somehow it's now a "fetus" with no rights or dignity despite the same gestational age (the only difference is that I don't want it)? Makes no sense. Let's all at least be intellectually honest and stop dancing, denying or avoiding hard choices. Let's all have the guts to tackle this issue head on. Go to any science book or basic medical textbook and they all agree: human life begins at conception. That's not some church saying so, it's science. Unless you have some novel data, let's all at least agree with science that human life (with all it's DNA) begins at conception. Back to you JM, Lauren and others.
Thanks for an awesome article, I really enjoyed it:)
Look, I'm prochoice because I don't believe that banning abortion is even possible - desperate women will find a way. I had an abortion myself, in 1987, and at the time, I didn't regret it because I was a narcissistic 20-something little girl who wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I'm 46 now, and with hindsight, I can see that the abortion, while it was convenient and allowed me to continue to live my life the way I pleased, was a mistake. It allowed me to evade taking responsibility for my choices and continued a lifestyle that was ultimately destructive. Sexuality belongs within the context of a loving marriage. I hope you come to understand that someday.
Feminists can talk all they want about blobs of tissue and clumps of cells, but the fact remains that the fetus is a genetically unique living being. Yes, it's dependent upon its mother to survive, but so is an infant. When you have an abortion, a life ends, and that should be a solemn event, not something to be handled with flippancy or disdain. Those men in your life understood that at some level, even if you didn't.
I really liked this article. More people need to read about positive experiences when it comes to abortion, instead of the tripe you find on "pro-life" sites. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I just wanted to say thinks for the essay, it's a good read & a little comforting to see someone else noticing the same differences in rhetoric vs. actual position that I've seen.
To those who believe that only the young, the foolish, those not enough in awe of the process of pregnancy would ever consider terminating one anything but shameful, I will just say that I would far rather regret not carrying to term (not that I have, but if I, however fleetingly, do) than regret having a child. I find nothing foolish in that; to presume that I would absolutely grow to love anything simply because it is of me is what I would find foolish.
MC - Your point about "science" indicating that life begins at the moment of fertilization/conception is accurate. What is not accurate, however, is to insinuate that this fact means that science agrees that this life becomes a human with inalienable rights at that moment. While a "life" forms at conception, a human being with rights and privileges does not necessarily come into existence at that point. The creature formed at conception is little more than a bundle of cells, akin to red algae when it comes to complexity. Time is required for this creature to attain rights and privileges granted humans. Don't bend scientific fact to suit a purpose other than that for which it was intended. This kind of factual distortion does science and inquisitive persons a great disservice. (And yes, I am a real scientist.)
This is a great story and I want to thank you for sharing it. I'm just sorry about all the misogynistic wankers commenting on it.
As for the fellow who said that ALL men want children when they grow up, evidently you haven't met my husband, or the husbands of my three best female friends, all of whom are happy husbands and non-fathers with equally childfree wives. I guess they're either UNREAL men, or not "grown up" yet. (And besides, if a man wants children, he needs to MAN UP and marry the woman first -- the mother of your children should be your WIFE, not your girlfriend. If a man can't handle the commitment of marriage, he's not mature enough to be a father. Would you make your kids go through life with the stigma of illegitimacy just because you couldn't commit? I never heard of anything so selfish!) That said, re: men dealing with women who have had abortions, I have rarely run into a man who can comprehend that sometimes it isn't a heartsearing, miserable experience -- it's more akin to having a small but threatening growth removed before it can get worse. I had an abortion at 7 weeks when I was 19, and the guy who fathered it was actually more upset than I was. I ended up having to comfort HIM over the loss of "his son" when I was the one who'd just had surgery for heaven's sake. But then this was the same fellow who thought there was something wrong with me when I didn't "melt" on command at the sight of X random infant or toddler, so it's for the best that I don't have a child with him. Guess I was too much of an "unreal" woman for that guy -- but luckily not for my equally childfree husband of eleven years.
Thanks for the excellent article. I had an abortion in my early twenties. It wasn't a hard choice, and I've never regretted it. Being pregnant felt like having a growing tumour, so clearly I wasn't ready to be a mum. Like the writer, I felt only relief afterwards. Physically, it wasn't so bad either: I chose an abortion with hormonal pills, so it was like having a heavy period for two days.
I feel lucky to live in a country where a woman's right to choose is widely accepted and not a subject of public discussion. I feel really sad for women in the US, who have to get to the clinics through a sea of protesters. People who know how other people should live their lives make me sick.
Thanks for the article. When I had an abortion I didn't tell anyone for a long time. I finally confided in one of my best friends, a gay man I'd known for years. His Catholicism overwhelmed his humanity and he basically called me a hell-bound baby-murderer. I have learned not to talk to men about it.
I really enjoyed reading that. Thank you.
You're not a murderer. You were taking precautions, and it failed, so you employed the backup plan.
Your life.
Your choice.
*HUGS*
Thank you for bravely expressing the truth that the anti abortion brigade don't want out there. Some women don't want children ever; some women don't want a child right now; some women therefore have abortions and don't ever feel badly about it.
Excellent, interesting and well written piece, thank-you.
Those who comment to reveal their own narrow-mindedness will be on to ranting about the next thing that offends their own illogical religion based morality a moment after commenting here.
Those who see their own experience and feelings reflected in your writing will feel the support of your words for far longer.
x
JD - I just read your response to me. I don't have time to respond now but I will later. Keep watch on this site.
mc
MC & JM: thank you for your thoughtful posts. I first read and replied to the article back on 2/19 and I came back tonight to read the replies that have been left since that time. What has stuck with me since my first visit is the casual sense of cheerleading that seems to run through many of the comments. As a deeply feminist, pro-choice male my first instinct is to avoid criticizing the author and her supporters but I have to ask: is the best that liberal feminist culture can offer on the subject in this day and age? I comprehend and respect that having abortion need not be an act that destroys a woman's life but I am appalled by the notion that the procedure is almost akin to having a bad tattoo removed. In addition, I was upset by the reply that stated that men respond with compassion to a woman who has an abortion because Cosmo taught them to do so. I have had a sense of empathy for other living creatures my entire life, be they man, woman or animal and the last time that I checked it had nothing to do with my being exposed to woman oriented lifestyle magazines. Is is impossible for the author and some of her fans to entertain the idea that men have complex feelings and thoughts that have developed over their lifetime in a manner similar to their female peers?
The author is so typical of the abortion on demand culture. Of course your abortion was no big deal to you. Because you are a stupid unfeeling slut. Ask a serial rapist if they thought it was any big deal to rape a woman or even talk about it with others. It's nothing more than a day at the office for a rapist to rape. The only reason a rapist doesn't tell everyone they meet about their rapes is because they don't want to be arrested. Other wise they would probably be bragging about it. Just because you have no sense of shame doesn't mean that you have not done something shameful. You are in a serious state of denial that will take decades for you to come to terms with. Fortunately your still alive and have the ability to do that unlike your dead baby. You should seriously consider yourself mentally ill at this point. I am not kidding.
I could so relate to this essay.
I had an abortion when I was 19 and have never felt a moment of regret. Now I bring it up as a litmus test really, its an uncomfortable topic because some people have whacked out ideas about when life begins and what life means that they would like to impose on everyone. I really feel that abortion is not that big a deal and I appreciate reading that point of view.
Pregnancy is not a miracle, modern medicine is.
Respect to the author of original work. I am want to say thanks for funny post, and thanks to google and yahoo for perfect blog search.
I make my comp students read this. I haven't been fired yet.
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