"Okay, then. You can put your clothes back on now."

Julie stayed offscreen. Did she leave? Did she have a pressing appointment?

Zane continued dancing joyfully.

"Julie, can you come back on for a second."

I looked around the Starbucks. I had about forty-five seconds before someone would call Dateline.

"Julie? Please."

Nothing.

"Okay, then, daddy has to go now."

Nigel keeps snapping away. I adjust my face. I adjust my butt. I never get comfortable. I try to zone out and think of sandy white beaches. I fail.

"Okay," he says, after half an hour. "We're finished."

Finally.

I grab my clothes, ready for my walk of shame. As I'm leaving, I catch sight of the crew setting up for Mary-Louise. The table fills up with champagne bottles and plates of couscous and grilled chicken. My catering had consisted of a six-pack of Diet Coke and a bottle of wine. An eloquent statement of my place on the celebrity chain. If I thought my dignity was at a low ebb during the photo shoot, the buffet just took the last of it.

Coda

The photos came out a month later. The results were actually much better than they could have been.

Never again will I question the miracle of good lighting.

I swear I almost look buff. Never again will I question the miracle of good lighting. Or of black-and-white film, which makes everything about fifty percent less sleazy. You take a photo of a Delta Nu sorority girl lifting her baby-t at Mardi Gras, and if it's in black-and-white, it'll somehow look poignant and profound.

Still, the reaction wasn't good for my ego. We got a half-dozen nasty letters. Most complained that my photo, which came right after Mary-Louise Parker's beautiful black-and-white layout, ruined the portfolio. Like enjoying a fantastic tasting menu at a Michelin three-star restaurant, then getting botulism immediately after. "Well, at least there were no subscription cancellations," my boss told me.

I do respect Mary-Louise for putting me through photographic hell. Fame is about exposure, whether it's exposure of your medical records or your past peccadilloes or your onset tantrums. And she decided to give me a lesson in literal exposure.

And I give her this: She succeeded in her goal. I can never look at a nude picture the same way. I can still admire a nude photo, but I can no longer separate it from the context in which it was created. I can't forget, as Mary-Louise put it, the loss of control and possible objectification.

Before my book went to press, I got in touch with Mary-Louise Parker to ask if she's made any other editors expose themselves. She hasn't. I told her that just a month ago, I finally got my first piece of positive feedback on the nude photo. A San Diego man e-mailed me asking for a JPEG of it. Mary-Louise seemed pleased. "I was actually hoping you'd get a lot of fans in prison to boost your ego. That was my real goal."  n°

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
		A.J. Jacobs is the author of two New York Times bestsellers: The Know-It-All and The Year of Living Biblically. He is the editor at large Esquire magazine. He has written for The New York Times, The Washington Post, and Entertainment Weekly, and is an occasional correspondent for NPR. He lives in New York City with his wife, Julie, and their children. You can visit his website at ajjacobs.com.